are you still one of those letters?

a few years ago i volunteered at a booth for pride.

my brother called for one of his quarterly check ins and the conversation went something like this:

bro: you're at pride? but don't you have to be one of THOSE LETTERS to go to pride?

me: THOSE LETTERS? like LGBTQIA? no. you don't have to be one of THOSE LETTERS to show your support for the community. i mean, i am. there's a b in there. B is one of "those letters," but no, you don't have to be one of those letters.

bro: what do you mean you are one of those letter?

me: i'm bi. you didn't know that? oh. huh. by the by, i'm bi.

bro: *silence*

that's about as close as i've ever come to having a "coming out" conversation with my family. 

my brother still calls to check in. he still asks "...are you still one of those letters?" every time we talk.

he's not an asshole. he's just...my brother. he's not intentionally terrible.

in his own way he's trying.

he used to always end conversations by saying "...and remember to stay away from men. all men are evil. if you think one isn't, he's lying."

at least now he's adapted to say "...and remember, stay away from men AND women..."

change.

it's still horrible. it's probably funny to him. to me it's reinforcing that i don't deserve a happy, healthy partnership, WITH ANYONE. but. i mean. it's my brother. he thinks my tattoos and colored hair are me being rebellious. he still can't understand why i quit my stable corporate job eight years ago. he really just doesn't understand anything about me. at all.

to be fair, (to be fair) it took me a really long time to understand me. honestly, i'm still working on it.

i mean hell, it took me damn on 27 years to know i was bi.

gay didn't exist in the town i grew up in. it REALLY didn't exist in the church i grew up in. 

gay was this horrible thing you heard about on the news that killed people with aids that you got from sitting on a public toilet seat. and something about a quilt on the white house lawn.

that's the extent of what "gay" was for the formative years of my existence.

i was married and divorced and 2 kids in before i realize....you know...i only watch girl on girl porn...hmmmm...maybe there's something to that...

i was well into life before i really understood that i'm equally attracted to people of both sexes.

i'm still not even quite sure bi is the right letter for me. i'm more about people i can get along with and have brilliant stimulating connective conversations with more than who has which parts that go where.

but whatever i am, it's been a process to even be ok talking about it.

for the people that still believe you can choose your sexual orientation: HI. HAVE YOU MET ME?

if being gay were a choice? lord love a duck i would have permanently switched teams years ago. spoiler alert: it wasn't a woman that raped me either time. it wasn't a woman that sexually assaulted me. it wasn't a woman grabbing my breasts at work every time they walked by my desk. i wasn't in an abusive marriage with a woman. i have, to this day, never been called a fat fucking cunt by another woman.

on the flip side, how much easier would my life be if i was totally straight? if my kid had never come home telling me he was being raised in a dangerous household because of my sexuality (yes, his youth group really told him that, just a few years ago).

if i was straight i wouldn't have to worry about all the shame stuff in my head for being interested in women. if i was straight i wouldn't have to worry about dating a woman and being attacked for walking down the street together. if i was straight maybe i would be a little less offended by the blatant gay bashing i listen to on the reg because i'm "passable" (nope. i would still be offended as fuck. knock it off ya'll).

what is passable? passable means if you don't know me, you don't know i'm gay.

i have kids. i talk about going on dates with men. i LOOK straight (whatever that means).

i'm passable as straight.

but, obviously, because i popped out a few crib midgets back in the day, LET THE GAY BASHING COMMENCE.

how about we just don't gay bash ANYONE, whether or not we know if they're straight or not.

i'm too gay to be straight and too straight to be gay.

i don't even really belong anywhere. trust: if sexuality was a choice? i sure as fuck wouldn't choose this grey murky ground of barely existing.

if a lesbian finds out i'm bi, they don't want to date me because men are icky.

if a guy finds out i'm bi he thinks he won the golden ticket to endless threesomes from now til the end of time.

don't forget the whole camp of people who think i'm just confused or denying that i'm strictly one or the other.

the last few years i've allowed myself to "be a little gay" outwardly. i talk more about when i go out with women as well as when i go out with men. i have visible pride apparel (thank you popsocket pride edition!), my house is full of rainbows, i have "gay clothes" i wear (my "switch hitter" shirt makes me giggle when people read it and maybe figure it out). for fucks sake, i have a full body rainbow onesie. kinda hard to miss that when i wear it.


this year? i'm just allowing myself to BE.

whatever that means.

if you can't be associated with me anymore? there's the door.

if you accept me "in spite of" who i am? there's the fucking door.

if you accept me. FULL STOP.

hi. welcome to my life.

my wish for everyone this year: may you know who you are early and be proud of it and confident in it, whomever you are. no wasted years.

if your family doesn't understand? find a new one. trust: there's people out there that will accept you. JUST AS YOU ARE.

if you're confused? if it takes you a while to dial it in? hi. i'm almost 40 and still figuring this shit out.

this year: may you find yourself. may you find acceptance. may you find  confidence and peace and joy in living a real authentic life. whatever that looks like to you.

may you have PRIDE in yourself and who you are.

happy one of those letter months ya'll.

stand-bi

i'm awkward as fuck.

not in the adorable pretty woman, kind hearted hooker that doesn't know which fork to use with the salad kind of way.

i'm awkward in the bring a whole room to an awkward silence with an inappropriate comment or story kind of way.

i've never figured out the difference between polite conversation and when someone is actually hitting on me. probably because the second one has never happened.

i'm a bartenders favorite person. a little extra attention and they get an above average tip and probably a phone number that they'll never even glance at.

because when a bartender carries on a 20 minute conversation, through several interruptions, on the theory that geographic location/place of birth directly affects temperament and health of the population (think: people living closer to the equator are statistically happier due to their naturally higher vitamin d levels from getting more liquid sunshine than northerners) and the etymology/prevalence of genetic disorders or neurological anomalies based on geography...that MUST be flirting or at least some level of interest...right??

for the record: nope.

just a bartender getting a degree in geography.

i'm socially awkward of the ZERO GAME club when it comes to dating. i can wingman like a mutherfucker. if YOU need a date, i can help make that happen. but for ME? nope.

i have never struggled (per say) with my sexuality. growing up i liked boys because i was raised in a small religious town where girls liked boys and boys liked girls and that was that. there were a few outliers- one PE coach that was a lesbian...she lived with the lady that refereed the volleyball games. that was the extent of my "exposure" to anything other than the status quo according to the baptist church. vague half knowledge of two ladies that lived together. oh the scandal.

years after leaving the small town scene, after a divorce, after some growing up and exploring and coming into my own and realizing sex and masturbation are ok and not shameful, one-way-ticket-to-hell things, i started to notice small shifts in myself. porn preferences tended more and more towards girls. i started noticing women more in general. started thinking i would really like to try dating girls as well as guys. there was no real debate, no real struggle, just a slow recognition of a whole other side of myself and a whole different section of the dating pool.

huh. i think i'm bi. MAYBE I SHOULD EXPLORE THAT.

and so i went on a date with a girl. (that ended in a threesome somehow. some men have magical powers that i will NEVER understand).

and i LIKED going on a date with a girl. and i like girls in general. and i still like boys.

BUT. that was my one and only date with a girl. and my track record with boys isn't much better. out of the last 10 scheduled dates, 9 of them have stood me up.

because i just...i'm missing that part. i'm missing that social filter of polite vs. flirting. i'm missing that confidence to not care about rejection. i'm missing that ability to connect.

i can carry on a conversation with a stranger next to me in a bar. i can chat with them and have general bar debate and banter. but that's it. i don't know if the bartender is flirting. i can't tell if the waitress paid extra attention to my table. i don't know if the checker at the grocery store is just trying to make their shift interesting or actually is interested. is that smile from the stranger at the gas pump just a nice person? or someone checking me out?
 

i like boys. i like girls. but i'm on perpetual stand-bi.

how do you get past that? how do you learn to differentiate? it's easier/safer to just assume NO ONE is flirting and walk away at the end of an interaction, but i can't help but feel like maybe i'm being a little too closed off ice bitch when i do that.

people like to talk about the bi community as double dipping...oh, you're just bi so you have twice the chances at last call. YOU MEAN TWICE THE CHANCE AT REJECTION? cause i'm pretty sure that's all it means. also...do bi people not have taste? are we that cartoon wolf howling at EVERYTHING? in the same way homophobic men are afraid of gay men because being gay must mean you like EVERY. PENIS. ON. EARTH. apparently being bi means that i have no opinion or personal preference, i'm just trying to bang anything with a heartbeat.

guess what: NOPE. being bi just means i'm TWICE as awkward. it means i'm TWICE as inept at trying to get a date. it means i'm TWICE as likely to stick my foot in my mouth and embarrass myself in front of someone. i'm too straight for a good portion of lesbians, and dear god, whatever you do, never tell a man you're bi because all you'll hear after that is "do you know anyone for a threesome?" DUDE. I CAN'T EVEN GET ONE DATE AND YOU WANT ME TO ARRANGE A THREESOME?

and so here i am. twice as single. double the awkward.

remember that horrible tom hanks movie where he was stuck in the airport forever because he didn't have a homeland?

that's me. in the dating world. stand-bi forever because i don't really belong anywhere. and i don't speak the language.

now i just need a catherine zeda-jones stewardess to take pity on me.

lesbian for a night

so. i went out to the bar last thursday to see a band (well the bass player in a band).

i went alone, but ended up meeting some other people that were friends of the band and we all ended up at a table together. one of the gals was well toasted before the music even started and was...well...lets just say there's a stereotype about drunk white girls in the club for a reason.

at some point during the evening she happened to draw the attention of a guy across the dance floor who honed in on her inebriated state and decided it was a prime time to hit on her. i left to go to the bathroom and when i came back the guy was still hitting on her and one of the other people in the group leaned across the table and whispered: "we told him you're her girlfriend."

awesome. lesbian for a night.

now. i have a few problems with this.

#1: JUST SAY NO. if you don't like the guy hitting on you, tell him to fuck off. if he's persistent, find a bouncer or a bartender, or the other people at your table to back you up. just because someone, guy, girl, whomever starts hitting on you doesn't mean you have to put up with it.

#2: guy instantly piped up with the: "prove it" line when i sat down. my reply was the same as it would be gay or straight (or, as i happen to be, bi): I DON'T HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING TO YOU. i'm sorry if you got your tiny little dick hurt by her not being interested, but that doesn't mean i have to put on a show for you to "prove" anything. I said this, not quietly, to the guy and he just stared at me. so i said it again, LOUDER: I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO MAKE OUT WITH A CHICK TO PROVE YOU'RE STRAIGHT, I DON'T HAVE TO PUT ON A FUCKING SHOW TO DEFEND MY SEXUALITY TO YOU." (may have been just a bit more colorful than this, but you get the idea). 

THIS IS AN ISSUE. guys think it's cool to get a free girl on girl show, or worse, that they deserve a girl on girl show to sooth their bruised small dick ego. NO. YOU DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING. she should have been able to say no without having to feel like she needed an excuse. i'm not going to play along with her excuse, but even if i was, making out with some random chick at a bar doesn't PROVE anything.

guy persisted even more, dropping the "well, you would be interested if you knew i killed people for a living." line. WAS THAT A THREAT? or meant to impress me? or just you attempting one more time to save your tiny dick from being totally crushed by my lack of fucks given about whether you approve of me or not?

me: oh, you do? where do you work?

asshole: department of defense.

now. i'm not a rocket surgeon, but i'm pretty sure if you work for department of defense "killing people" you shouldn't be drunkenly talking about it in a bar. MAYBE THAT'S JUST ME.

either way, i showed him my badge and he quickly exited stage left.

drunk girl went back to being drunk, and people across the table laughed at both how blunt i was with him and how quickly he left. after things calmed down a bit, i asked one of them: "so. does it make a difference that i actually AM bi?" they didn't particularly have an answer besides shock, but i wasn't asked to "be a lesbian" again the rest of the evening.

overall, it's just...THIS IS INSULTING TO ME. i'm not an out and open and all over the place bi-sexual. i have never marched for gay rights, i don't attend political rallies of any type. i've been to pride a few years running but more as a volunteer/ally than as a bi-sexual woman. this is actually as open and public as i've been about being bi. (surprise to those of you who may not have known). but, i DO know people that have FOUGHT for their rights. that were on the front lines for marriage equality. people that still have to hide their sexuality, people that still face risk and discrimination.

THE FACT THAT THIS IS STILL A BAR JOKE/TRICK IS INSULTING. you think it's ok to play gay for a few minutes? no, it isn't. it isn't ok to make light of something people still struggle daily with to make someone go away. conversely, it isn't ok to to use pretend gay to draw more attention (the "look, i'm gay, make me straight for a night" challenge). IT ISN'T OK IN ANY WAY.

there's also the whole assuming i would go along with it factor...presumptuous much?

it may not seem like a big issue in the overall scheme of things. it isn't the first time i've been asked to be someones girlfriend to make a guy go away. it also isn't the first time the guy asked me to "prove it" and i know it probably won't be the last.

it's just...it sucks. and it's wrong. and that's all i have to say about that.