fishing. again.

well, you knew it was coming. along with the submission to the horror that is online dating comes the tales of the stupid and scary and plain WHAT THE FUCK.

this week its a seemingly innocuous thing that is actually a HUGE affront to women.

here’s the run down:

guy with no picture in his profile contacts me. not such a big issue- many people don’t have pictures for a variety of reasons- public jobs (fire fighters, cops, politicians, etc), “screening out shallow people”, not having a picture available (total bs by the way), etc.

this guy wants to take me out for a drink. standard-ish first date idea. i prefer coffee or something where alcohol/behavioral altering substances aren’t in play. i know. total prude.

i tell him that i don’t think the idea of a TOTALLY blind date (no picture, few profile details, etc.) where alcohol is the main goal is a good idea.

so he asks for my phone number to send me a picture.

HOLD UP. you CHOOSE to not post a picture (his reason was that the guys at his work print/post profiles to harass each other and he doesn’t want them to know he has a profile) to protect your privacy/safety but you expect me to TOTALLY give mine up right off the bat?

you want to meet me where there’s alcohol involved- not safe.

you want me to give you my personal cell phone information to send a picture? NOT SAFE.

he tries to play stupid- “what am I going to do with your cell phone number?”

REALLY DUDE? REALLY? because facebook searches or google searches by phone number TOTALLY don't exist. you won’t find all my personal information, address, work, friends, etc from “just a cell phone”, yeah. sure. would you like my social security number too?

now maybe i’m being a bit over reactive. my gut tells me i’m not- especially since this guy WILL NOT LET UP. 

last thursday when the drink invite happened i told him i was busy at baseball practice for my son. he proceeded to message me every 20 minutes to see if i was done and ready for a drink. i told him no in as many ways as i could think of then stopped responding.

he messaged the next day to ask if i wanted to get that drink- i told him i was at work then busy babysitting all weekend. so he messaged to see if i wanted to stop by to say hi to him when i got off work or go out for lunch or something else. again, i just stopped responding.

TODAY he is right back at it again. at this point i’m just going to use the nifty little block button since this guy just. doesn’t. get. it. 

NO MEANS NO. not responding means no. I MEAN NO.

it might not seem like much- not posting a picture may seem reasonable. but using not posting a picture to troll for phone numbers? NO. its dangerous and rude and creepy and just- its an asshole move guys.

asking someone out to a drink- not always unreasonable. refusing to accept an answer? NOT OK

less than a week back in the old dating pool and i've been reminded SEVERAL times of how much chlorination the water needs. it’s disgusting out here. seriously- degrading, disgusting, disheartening.

and i know the response- just GO OUT and meet people. uh huh. sure. you mean like baseball/hockey/arena football games? wine tasting events? concerts? grocery shopping? coffee shops? hell, i’ve even tried “singles mingle” events (someone tranquilize me if i ever mention going to another of those again). i’m out there. i’m not the most social person, but i will start a conversation with someone if i’m interested (which rarely goes well, but that's a whole different problem).

i’m out there. i’m not HUNTING but i’m always open minded.

maybe i just need to get a burner phone or get comfortable with passing out my information like acid stickers at Woodstock.

dating blows.

rant

dear plenty of fish guy:

can i just say how delighted i am to find out that your sleazy “not into casual sex” asshole self found me “sexy hot”?

why OF COURSE i’d love to stop by your office this afternoon and play dirty secretary with you in your obviously bustling successful office that allows their partners/managers to be online in the middle of the day chatting in completely sexually demoralizing ways with complete strangers.

i of course find it endlessly flattering that based on five pictures of me all from the shoulders up, you find me (and my deliciously sexy legs) to be such a complete and total turn on.

how can a girl resist such a temping offer as to be ravaged in a strange unknown warehouse by a complete stranger who has represented himself to be such an upstanding citizen? how did you know that was my secret fantasy for the day?

good luck finding someone else to entertain you during your oh-so-busy work day.

i hope you get locked in the supply closet and rot there.

not your arm candy OR dirty secretary,

(if i had that job, i'd quit)

me

ok kids. this is an URGENT s.o.s. for help and a preemptive date blog all in one:

there’s another fish. heaven bless the full moon and all the crap it’s bringing out…my blog is LOVING it.

so- fish:

WAIT: back up…there’s one other fish in there- cue “biggest contradictory asshole in the pond”

and we’ll back up and tell the story now:

email from fish: “hello. you have really sexy eyes. and a nice top. i would like to see more.”

um. nice. haven’t we been through this before? i selected the most docile, plain, NON-SEXY pictures of myself i could find. one in sunglasses, one at work, and one at a friend’s birthday party. NOTHING DIRTY. no centerfold material, no questionable strapless tops (ok…the dress is strapless, but it’s a ¾ body picture…from far away…).

*sigh*

so i look at the fish’s profile out of sheer curiosity- “i’m the most respectful, nice guy. i would never do anything evil or degrading or mean to people”

so. being me. i email the fish back: “well, aren’t you the biggest contradictory fish in the pond. (played back his own words for him). piss off.”

fish: “you’re a bitck. that’s Russian for…well, you can guess.” (**editor's note: this is the first time i've been cursed out in russian...YAY me...i think...)

me: that's russian for YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE? i couldn't agree more. don't you hate it when someone calls you on your bullshit? perhaps you should remove your head from you ass before you email people.

so. there’s another fish out of the pond. cracks me up. so much for the nicest guy…ha ha ha ha ha…all the bullshit they put on their profiles because women are obviously stupid and we’ll never see through that…ever…at all. fucking idiot.

SO.

back to the s.o.s.:

fish: 40ish, landscaper, virgo, not my type, but not terrible.

initial emails were decent, good sense of humor, full sentences…showing promise.

THEN the freak flag comes out- decides that we should “accidentally bump into each other monday night” and if that works well he wants to go out again friday. REALLY? planning TWO already? we’ll give him points for courage.

then i read through his profile- the “first date” section- FREAKING NOVEL. and this is coming from _ME_. seriously…slightly creepy…goes through the whole date IN DETAIL about how it will go, what they would order, where they would go for a walk, the type of car they would both drive…little over the top there…

BUT…points for creativity…so…you know…how bad could a 30 minute date be?

so i email back- “where am i “accidentally bumping into you” and what time?

and here’s where it gets strange (well, more strange):

“Well Sherry, I remember it this way... You stop into PF Chang's (across from the Mall) for a tall iced tea 'cause its soo hot that Monday. I am at the bar/lounge & take notice of the pretty girl that just walked in dressed in a cute little outfit. I walk up to you & accidentally bump into your right arm... The rest will be history!”

630ish? PF Changs Lounge?

Berry

and yes, that’s his real name…sherry and berry…ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

but…the email…creep anyone else out? does it make you wonder at all if he has THE REST of the story already planned out?

“then i gently smother you with an ether soaked rag and assist you into my waiting vehicle. you awaken as dirt is being shoveled over you in the back woods of one of my “landscaping” jobs…”

i mean SERIOUSLY…is this freaking anyone else out at all?

*cough*

i think i’m getting sick…

*cough*

dang summer colds can sneak up on you real quick…

back to the point- do i go? to get what you KNOW will be a good story for ya'll? or do i NOT go to avoid BECOMING my own "breaking news at 11" story?

yes, i'm that big of a bitch

so...seriously, why didn't i try this fish thing YEARS ago? it's endless blog fodder.

last night some guy sent me an instant message on fish. the conversation went like this:

him: hey

me: hi

him: tell me about you

me: (in my mind...isn't that what the profile is for?) ummm...what do you want to know?

him: what do you do for fun?

me: occasionally i get to go out with friends. like to go dancing...old school 2 step, 10 step, that kind of thing.

him: occasionally?

me: hard to go out often when babysitters charge $5 per hour.

him: how many kids do you have?

me: (in my mind: ummm...that was on the profile too) two boys

him: oh. so what do you like to do for fun?

me: going for the instant replay?

him: yup

me: well, since you obviously don't have the time to read a profile or pay attention to a conversation, thanks but no thanks.

i mean...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? asking questions that are in the profile AND repeating yourself right off the bat? could you scream: "hey, i'm just looking for a quick fuck with as little effort as possible" any louder? 

MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE. well, not fucking this mother, but you get the idea.

~sigh~

stupid boys.