leave it to beaver

what do you do when you have a traditionalist mindset with non-traditionalist circumstances?

for a kid who didn't watch tv much growing up, i have a very firmly implanted idealistic trope of what a "typical family home" is supposed to be.

i never watched leave it to beaver but i'm oh so familiar with the cookie cutter: mom, dad, boys, charming rancher on a quiet street, general shenannigans and tom-foolery ensue.

when i watch those types of shows one thing always stands out: how DONE everything is. the yard is landscaped. the living room furniture is a matching set. the house is all set up and DONE.

WHILE THEY'RE STILL RAISING YOUNG KIDS.

HOW?

i remember my dad telling me, YEARS ago, that setting up a house takes time. no one moves into their first apartment all ready to go. you start out with milk crates and assemble-it-yourself-furniture. over time you slowly replace the milk crates with a kitchen table and chairs. the press board furniture slowly becomes pieces that arrived in once piece- REAL furniture. you slowly hand down the hand me downs and get your own BRAND NEW couch (or several if you have furniture a.d.d. like me). 

THAT part i expected. but for some reason with my house it's different- i expect it to be finished. NOW. and i get endlessly frustrated at waiting to be able to afford different things.

what do you mean i have to PLAN to put in carpet? HOW MUCH is redoing the upstairs bathroom going to be? why can't i just PUT IN sprinklers? how much longer before the front deck actually falls apart before just threatening?

i feel embarrassed to have people over and i'm endlessly apologizing for the half finished state of things.

watch out for the back deck, it needs redone so there's not such big gaps.

sorry about the living room floor- best to keep your shoes on so you don't get a sliver.

oh, when you take a shower downstairs the hot is cold and the cold is hot.

when you lock the garage door you have to close it then push it back a little because it's leaning and not lined up right.

i know people say that when you're done with ALL your house projects it's time to move. and i know that as soon as you get the sink fixed the dishwasher goes on the fritz. OH, and the washing machine is leaking. OH, and the outlet upstairs quit working. OH, and the roof is at the end of life. OH, and the hot water heater needs replaced...

I GET IT.

i was up on the south hill this weekend, the "rich" section of town. there's BEAUTIFUL homes all owned by people my parents age. AND THEY WERE OUTSIDE WORKING ON PROJECTS.

so, what's my issue? why do i put so much pressure on myself to have everything done, barely 5 years after moving in, when people who have been in their home for 20+ years still have projects they're working on?

when am i going to learn to cut myself a little slack?

even growing up- it wasn't constant, but there were always projects being budgeted and waited on. the crappy sidewalk took several years to get around to replacing. at one point my mum ripped out all the flower beds and put in white rock. we built a storage shed in the back yard. re-tiled the bathroom shower. built a coat closet in the living room. added cabinets to the kitchen and cut in a dishwasher. redid some carpet/removed some carpet. switched from a pellet stove to a gas fire place. replaced washers and dryers. my own home growing up was never "finished."

in leave it to beaver or the brady bunch the kids are young and everything is already done. my mom bought her house when i was 9.

hell, even "newer" shows (showing my age now) like tool time or family matters or full house- the kids were all young but the house was already DONE. they already had the grown up furniture. they already had the fully equipped garage. all the pictures on the wall. the big back yard with a swing set and beautiful green grass.

and for some reason i think mine has to be.

i know i'm not a double parent household. i KNOW i'm not a double income household. i know that things take time and planning and budgeting. i now a complete bathroom remodel takes time. i know that installing carpet isn't cheap. i know that landscaping takes YEARS for the plants and the grass to fill in the way you want it to. i know that. I KNOW ALL THAT.

but i still struggle.

i often wonder when i'm going to be the gown up that i grew up with. 

when am i going to be able to take everyone out to a big family dinner? (uh, duh, your kids don't even have spouses yet, calm your tits.) when am i going to be the nice house on the block? when am i going to be the destination house with the big summer bbq's and people stopping by all the time?

and then i take a moment and LOOK at ward and june cleaver. look at mike and carol brady. tim and jill taylor.

they are not 35 with an 18 year old.

i started EARLY. i didn't have my 20's in college figuring things out and getting my shit together. i had my 20's with kids and making it up as i went.

maybe if i had waited until 27 or 30 to start having kid i would already have a house lined out and sorted. i would already have bought the furniture instead of diapers. i could have spent time landscaping instead of driving to practices and friends houses and school events.

don't get me wrong. NEITHER WAY IS WRONG.

i personally think waiting til you're older and more established to have kids is much, much smarter, but then i look at it and i woudn't have the energy now to keep up with them...maybe that's because they sucked out all my 20's energy. ha. six one way, half a dozen the other.

end of the day, second verse, same as the first: i just need to quit judging myself so harshly. give my self room to breathe and BE. i'm not *supposed* to be anything. i'm not supposed to have the perfect house. i'm not supposed to have the perfect decorating. i'm not supposed to have the perfect lawn. i can work towards those things. i can allow myself space and time and not feel like a failure for being perfectly normal. body, house, kids, whatever, i really need to learn to chill the fuck out and let myself just BE.

oh yeah...i went there...

first off, let me say that i understand FULLY that what is to follow may completely, irrevocably offend some people. hell, it may offend most people. but it was a thought, and like most of my thoughts the get brain vomited out. i will quantify this post by saying: this is tongue in cheek. this is not intended to be a serious school of thought. this is pure, complete brain vomit at it's finest (or worst). i also understand that i may be struck by lightening while typing this. if that does happen...hell, i still think it was funny/worth it. so. without further ado. join me in FAR, FAR, left field:

is god gay?

once you get past the initial shock of that statement, lets take a moment to consider some points to ponder:

#1: it says in the bible that man was created in god's image. MAN was created in god's image. he didn't start with women...they came later on. he started with man. secondly: if we're all created in his image, that means our thoughts, urges, desires, sexual preferences or natural partner selections all came from him. that means that gay is no shock to god. he put it in our minds when he created us. he created man with the natural curiosity, the natural experimental desire, the natural homosexual desires, the natural straight desires. if he created us in his image with all our desires, wouldn't it stand to reason that he had/has the same desires? that "in his image" means we are like him, desires, preferences, tendencies and all?

#2 creation: really? have you seen some of the fabulous natural arrangements and color combination on this earth? have you seen the way things effortlessly blend together? the beauty and wonder of nature? sounds like gay interior design at it's best to me.

#3: when have you ever heard about any women in heaven? all the arch angels, the horseMEN of the apocalypse, all the messengers of heaven...ALL MEN. all of em. the big fight with lucifer where he was cast out of heaven...sound a little like a particularly bad lovers spat to anyone else? a "power struggle" that started all the problems? sounds like someone got tired of being the bitch and wanted to pitch for once instead of always catching. and he hasn't been let back in because when he left he took a legion of followers with him...well..duh...who likes to lose half their eye candy supply? and we all know what drama queens gay men can...just as bad as teenage girls. and as a former teenage girl, i know how nasty the cat fights can get and how long the grudges can be held. what's a couple million years? HE TOOK THE EYE CANDY!

#4 when god sent jesus out into the desert to be tempted...WHO tempted him? A MAN. not only a man, if my hunch is correct, a former lover. talk about temptation. it was some shiksa with a rockin body and every sexual position/ability know to man sent out there to tempt him? it was A GUY. i mean...REALLY? how much clearer can it get?

#5 the virgin mary: really? he couldn't even do the deed one time? he had to "create a miracle" to get out of it?

ok...i haven't been struck by lightening yet, so i'll stop before i push the thread too far...just...you know...weigh the evidence for yourself...get back to me on it...