perspective

life is a funny thing when you're in the middle of it.

have you ever watched a long running tv show like grey's anatomy where by season 15 you've forgotten everything that happened in season 1 or 2? i rewatched grey's anatomy last year from the beginning and there were so many HOLY CRAP I FORGOT ABOUT THAT CHARACTER moments. so many small story lines, all smashed together to make the big story line, but easy to forget a few years down the road. would someone just starting on season 15 even know who george was?

life can feel that way sometimes. especially right now.

people i'm just now meeting are joining this show already in progress. it can be a LOT to try to catch them up on the cliff notes of why i am the way i am.

people who meet me now will never see me in "mom mode" because that chapter has closed. people who meet me now ask about my family, a perfectly normal question, not knowing how ugly and complex and convoluted the answers can be.

i've been thinking about the cliff notes version of my life because of this...and i have to say...holy fuck man.

when you pull the lens way back, when you telescope out, my life can look like a fucking horror story.

there's a few different versions of cliff notes you can look at:

cliff notes, version 1:
pregnant at 17
married, second baby, divorce before 23
two babies by two daddies.
oldest son dropped out of high school, spent a night in jail, has abused drugs, alcohol, girlfriends
youngest son has already been in juvenile courts, sold drugs, abused drugs and alcohol
both sons out of the house before they were 16.

oof. that's...oof.


cliff notes, version 2:
baby at 17
sexually assaulted at 18
raped at 19
baby at 22
domestic violence marriage
divorced at 23
so. much. death at 29
first child leaves home at 33
raped at 35
second child leaves home at 37

that's half a season of law and order SVU right there.
 

cliff notes, version 3:
graduated high school at 17
graduated college at 22
successful 11 year corporate job
successful second career
bought a home at 30, cash
sold a home at 36
raised 2 children as a full time single parent
successfully navigated multiple major life changes before 40

better, but still exhausting.

 
those are 3 VERY DIFFERENT cliff notes.

and somewhere, if you shuffle all three of those decks together, you get my life.

it's all about perspective. if i wanted to mope around, there's more than enough reasons to mope.

if i wanted to give up and complain about how hard life is, there's more than enough reasons to throw in the towel.

and the good lord himself knows i've done plenty of both.

but, also, i've lived it. and i'm still alive.

and that's something.


it's intimidating thinking about going forward from here. how much do you tell new people? how closed is a closed chapter? how do you go forward into a new chapter without respecting what's already happened in the books but not dwelling on it?

here's the non cliff notes version of my life:

i've made some decisions. those decisions had results, consequences, rewards, challenges. some decisions were made for me. i didn't choose to have domestic violence in my story. i didn't choose to have rape and sexual assault in my story, but there they are.

i saw a saying the other day that said "...my traumas made me who i am today. MY RESILIENCE DID THAT..."

 that was a HUGE perspective shift for me.

trauma happens to everyone. you will never meet a person who hasn't come through their version of trauma. and trauma will look different to everyone. some people take death as a natural part of life. for others, a death can be a world shattering/stopping event. for some it's world shattering but also natural- something you expect that still sucks.

some people hit a bump in the road and just sit in the ditch miserable staring a the wreck.

some people hit a bump and stop, look at the bump, see if it was a real bump, can it be moved to not cause other people to hit it? why did i hit it? how much damage did it do? what's the plan going forward after this bump?

some people hit a bump and don't even slow down (until 10 miles down the road when there's a sudden breakdown from damaged caused by the bump that was ignored).

i've hit my share of bumps, but trauma didn't make me who i am today. it's pieces of my story. it's cliff notes. it's something that happened.

but i'm resilient. i made it through the trauma. not always with grace and style and a 10 point landing that stuck, but i made it through. 

it's a matter of perspective. it's a matter of perseverance. it's a matter of resilience. i'm working on being more intentional at choosing my perspective. i'm more intentional choosing how i want to present my story, the good, the bad, the really, really ugly. perspective shifts are hard. recognizing some people weren't intentionally out to hurt you, they're just a human being dealing with their own shit too. acknowledging that life isn't out to get you, it picks on everyone. this is just your turn.

perspective matters.

do you want to be mad that life knocked you flat on your back? or do you want to take a minute to appreciate being on solid ground, getting a chance to catch your breath and look up at how far you made it and how much more infinite space there is to go higher the next time?

look at the cliff notes, a little to the left:

pregnant at 17: FACED A DIFFICULT DECISION, EARLY IN LIFE. MADE A CONSCIOUS, THOUGHT-OUT CHOICE.

married, second baby, divorce before 23: RECOGNIZED I WAS IN AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. MADE THE DECISION TO LEAVE.

two babies by two daddies. TOOK CONTROL OF MY BODY, GOT STERILIZED.

oldest son dropped out of high school, spent a night in jail, has abused drugs, alcohol, girlfriends: I TAUGHT HIM. I PROVIDED TOOLS FOR HIM. WE ALL CHOOSE OUR OWN PATH, HE'S CHOSEN A DIFFICULT ONE BUT HE'S MY KID AND WE'RE TOUGH PEOPLE.
 
youngest son has already been in juvenile courts, sold drugs, abused drugs and alcohol: HE'S IN A SAFE, HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT NOW WITH A CHANGE TO FINISH HIGH SCHOOL AND LEARN HOW TO MAKE BETTER DECISIONS BEFORE THEY PERMANENTLY AFFECT HIS LIFE.

both sons out of the house before they were 16: I GET TO START A WHOLE NEW CHAPTER IN MY LIFE BEFORE I'M 40. I RAISED MY FAMILY. I DID THE BEST I COULD DO. AND NOW I GET TO TRY SOMETHING NEW.


it's all how you look at it.

of delay tactics, spaghetti and shadows

welcome to the first attempt at delaying the inevitable- oh monday…you are a CRUEL CUREL mistress. how does the saying go? the shitteth hath hitteth the faneth…or it’s about to at any rate. it’s more of a slow motion bag of poo flying towards the ceiling and the fan blades looking ready and willing to spread the shit equally amongst all below…imagine a terrantino movie…you know what’s coming, you’re wincing already, and there’s no way to stop it…

why the monday morning drama? one of the other office gals is out for EIGHT WEEKS and i get to be her while she’s gone. she’s been in this job for 25ish years and knows EVERYTHING. i had 20 minutes with her on friday to get a tip into what’s going on…so…you know…NICE. so. instead of diving on in and just taking the bull by the horns, i’m standing on the sideline, trying my damndest to blend in with the walls, hoping the bull either never comes or wanders on past and doesn’t notice me.

delusions are nice, aren’t they?

BUT. believe it or not, i actually DO have something to say. a real point. so it really isn’t a delay tactic…oh…yes it is. BUT I DO HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.

so. the new boy (still haven’t figured out a name for him yet…) came over to dinner last night. this is pretty epic considering two things: #1 i didn’t expect it to last this long, and #2 he said he would be uncomfortable being around my kids due to the whole attachment/not sticking around long issue. whatever. it’s not like i’m all: “hey kids…meet your new daddy!” or anything…i’m more like “hey, my friend is coming over for dinner, try not to kill each other in front of company.”

like i said…delusions are nice, aren’t they?

so. it’s interesting to get a new person’s perspective on your little family every now and again. it’s like a check up or a mid-term test. see how they perceive you, if you’re doing a decent enough job that strangers aren’t sent screaming by your family…you know…make sure we’re allowed out in public and all.

so. it’s interesting getting a new perspective. it’s even more interesting getting a perspective from a different culture. see…new boy is from a different country. a VERY different country. and they have different ways of looking at things and reading things and dealing with things. you all know about my spawns. now imagine looking at them from an international perspective. it was very interesting.

so. new guy came over for dinner. our family is odd. i let my spawns be their odd little selves and don’t think much of it. we had spaghetti for dinner. THANKFULLY, the spawns were done eating before the new guy got there because really, how the hell do you explain spaghetti tacos? but my kids think they’re the greatest thing ever, so i let them have spaghetti tacos and waited for new guy to have regular spaghetti myself. but they were finishing up when he got there which was AWESOME because it delayed the inevitable curious swarm for at least a few minutes. but then the swarm hit and…fuck…it’s FUCKING ANNOYING. all the “i just need one more drink” or the “but i just wanted to ask you something” interruptions. they’re just being curious and checking things out, but FUCK it’s annoying. nothing like making someone new feel like a fucking animal in the zoo that they want to gawk at. the worst is the little one. the INSTANT someone is in our house he is a fucking super glued shadow. one of my biggest pet peeves. see…he’s not a hugger- he’s a leech. it drives me UP A FUCKING WALL on the best days and even worse in front of other people. he can’t hug me and walk away. he has to HANG on me, pet me, grope, maul, and you CAN’T GET HIM OFF. i’m trying to serve up dishes for the new guy and myself and there’s this BLOB stuck to my back, WRAPPED AROUND ME, hanging on like a bug on a windshield going 90 on the interstate. I FUCKING HATE THAT. i love my kids. i do. but i need my fucking space. BUBBLE PEOPLE. this is why i hate it when he asks me to snuggle on the couch- it’s not a normal snuggle where you curl up and watch a show. it’s MAULING. like being wrestled by a grizzly. and it’s CONSTANT MOVEMENT. he can’t sit still for the god lovin life of him EVER. there’s always some kind of motion…petting, crawling all over, adjusting position, SOMETHING. drives me fucking batty.

so. here i am, trying to get dinner with a leech stuck on me, oldest one is trying to find the most inappropriate movie to watch possible (step brothers- sex scene and offensive language in less than 5 minutes…just great for the international/under 13 crowd). off to a great start. FUCK.

so. we finally get a DECENT movie in and the new guy and i are trying to eat dinner and the kids are, by some small miracle, quiet for a moment.

*deep breath* this might turn out ok…

by the way…who puts fucking tobacco on spaghetti?? not that i’m one to talk with spaghetti tacos and bbq sauce on regular tacos and some of our other “in house” creations…but tobacco? on italian food? BLASPHEMY!

so. it’s calm for a moment. kids are normal. new guy is eating (my pasta was a little al dente’ for his taste, but other than that i think a success). then new guy looks at me and says: “the older one? he will be your smart one. the little one? he will be your evil one.”

umm…spot on anyone? in 15 minutes he had a very accurate read on my kids. IN A WAY…hold on, let me explain. i don’t necessarily agree with “evil” but partially: YES. little spawn is very mean and vindictive. he knows how to ruin a day for EVERYONE if he doesn’t get his way, and he has a habit of being extremely vindictive if he feels he’s been slighted or mistreated in any way. part of it is his personality, part of it is the aspergers. and when you add that in, in MANY foreign countries, they view things like depression or aspergers or other mental conditions as “evil”. maybe more so in older times, but it’s still a common thought today. and really, how do you explain aspergers to someone from a middle eastern country? they either don’t have things like that, or don’t have the diagnoses we have. aspergers is still a new diagnosis in the united states and we tend to need a name for everything…other countries just say sick. we say 24 hour flu or stomach virus or food poisoning. so what we call aspergers, they probably call a difficult or “evil” child.

so. intuition, observation, whatever…in just a few minutes he has a read on my spawns. he has met them one other time by the pool at my friend’s house…so this wasn’t completely a cold read…but still…DAMN!

so. we finish up dinner and his after dinner black tea (lipton had to suffice due to lack of actual black tea) and we headed outside for his post dinner smoke (a smoker…i know…ME...tells you what a doll he is). as we’re sitting out there chatting, small spawn comes out literally every three minutes with some kind of question or tattling or SOMETHING. this did not go unnoticed. at all. like i said, it’s frustrating enough when it’s just me…i can’t get anything done around the house. i can’t wash dishes or get ready in the morning or go downstairs to do laundry without a koala pack…add to it trying to talk to someone and have a little time away from a kids movie.

and people wonder why i don’t try to date. the nights i DO get to go out with anyone there’s always a huge crying/guilt fit because i’m leaving, if i stay home and have people over i have a shadow glued to my side interrupting the whole time…it’s so unbelievably frustrating. and if i say anything to the small spawn he instantly dissolves into huge tears…

and people always say…oh, they need your time and attention. yeah, but NO. they have my time. they have ALL of my time. the small spawn does it because he KNOWS it will make people leave. because he’s jealous. he’s one of those kids that you could spend a whole week with doing everything he wants to do, not spending a minute apart, cooking, doing crafts, playing games, watching movies, then the one time you go to the bathroom he FREAKS OUT that you never do anything with him and you never spend time with him. i wish i were exaggerating…but it’s really that way.

and it’s hard to make people understand that i’m not neglecting them. i’m not ignoring them. all a new person sees is the small window of time they’re there. they don’t see that the WHOLE REST OF THE DAY was spent at home with just me and the kids. the WHOLE DAY. so then the one hour when i have someone over and the spawn freaks out…oh…he just needs time with his mom. NO. he’s had 10 hours with me today. he just wants his way and wants other people gone. we spent ALL saturday afternoon, ALL sunday together. just us. no distractions. then sunday evening i have someone over and you’d think i’d locked them in a closet for the last 900 years and never paid attention to them ever.

i just. grr. and it got to the point sunday night where the new guy felt so uncomfortable that he left. he was so aware of being checked in on and watched that he made up and excuse and left. and knowing him, that will be the only time it will happen. he won’t be coming over again when the kids are awake or around. he won’t “take my time away”. he won’t. it’s just the way he is.

so then i have to go back to being a 10pm-5am girl. which is just a nice feeling let me tell you. nothing says trollop like only having people over well after dark and leaving before the spawns get up. but it’s what i’ve been doing for six years. so. you know…also makes your neighbors REALLY like you.

ok. i think i’m done venting and delaying…guess it’s time to actually get to work…none of these stacks made themselves disappear yet…guess i’ll have to do it…

oh yeah: AND HELP ME NAME THE NEW GUY. really. i can't come up with anything on this one...