memories don't always haunt

yesterday was supposed to be steak and crown royal day but whatever asshole is in charge of the budget around my house cut corners a little too close this paycheck and so instead it was meatloaf day. (oh, that's me. oops).

steak and crown day is a celebration i (try) to do every year to mark my dad's birthday. he used to come to town every year and take me out for my birthday, so now i like to drink and devour to honor his birthday. it will happen this weekend for sure...i'm sure he won't mind a few days difference as long as i double the crown consumption. happy 61st birthday dad. maybe i'll have a cigar too...

life is all about balance after all.

so. meatloaf day means left over meatloaf lunch the next day.

i warmed up said lunch at work today and one of the guys asked how i make it and the biggest key to my meatloaf (which is really nothing fancy) is using my grandmother's meatloaf pan. it was passed on to me after she died and i've never seen another like it and it will stay in my cupboards until someone has to pry it out of my dead hands. well, i probably won't die HOLDING IT. but you know...maybe. (it's really simple- basically two bread pans stacked on each other with holes drilled in one so the grease drips out.)

but actually thinking about the meatloaf pan made me try to remember how long ago she passed away. I don't remember how long ago, and i don't remember how, but i DO KNOW she was around long enough to see my youngest kiddo born. so...less than 13 years ago.

HERE'S HOW I KNOW.

my second birth was not great. i was induced TWICE for 48 hours. the first time they sent me home to wait another week, the second ended in an emergency c-section, a near death experience, and a whole lot of crazy. the WHOLE TIME i was in the hospital, i was being yelled at by my ex-husband for taking to long. i mean, HE TOOK TIME OFF WORK FOR THIS. now the ex part makes even more sense i'm sure.

the other person who stuck it out the most at the hospital with me was my grandma. she stayed in my room with me, helped buffer the mood, and was pretty mellow overall. at one point she noticed i didn't have any nursing bras and so she decided that would be her baby gift.

the conversation went something like this:

gma: "what size nursing bra will you need?"

me: "i'm not sure. it's definitely different than last time, i really don't know."

gma: "well, you look like you're about as big as me, so i'll get you a DD."

at this point i'm pretty sure i blushed and looked anywhere but at my grandma because for the first time in my life i suddenly realized: HOLY SHIT, GRANDMA IS STACKED. which is an awkward realization at best. ESPECIALLY when you consider i was getting ready to run a full production milk farm and she was just that way ALL THE TIME.

memories like that don't haunt you. memories like that, as weird and awkward as they are make me laugh. those are the good ones. remembering my dad calling me on st. patrick's day telling me he hasn't had enough to drink because he's still not peeing green. remembering my brother calling me on my birthday like he was ordering tacos.

remembering the things that make me smile instead of crawl in a corner and cry for the rest of the day.

not all memories haunt you. plenty do, but not all.

the thanksgiving trip (finally)

wow. so. i haven’t posted in FOREVER. there’s a million and one excuses- none of them hold water (or snow in this weather). i could say i’ve been busy finishing up things at work, and i have, but i’ve also been only working half days for the last two weeks due to the holiday (and my chomping at the bit to be out of here). i could say things have been crazy at home, but we all know i’m an insane insomniac and there’s plenty of quiet down time to write if i would just do it. i could say there hasn’t been anything to write about, but there’s a LIST of blog topics, two trips, and my first two major holidays without family to prove otherwise. so. basically it just boils down to me slacking and keeping the voices in my head instead of getting them out and getting a start on what i’m supposed to be spending the whole next year doing.

*sigh*

long story short: there may be a blog flood by the end of the day.

we may as well back track to thanksgiving:

FIRST FAMILY TRIP!

that’s right. and yes, it’s sad. it was our first family trip. my spawns are 12 and 7 and this was our first family trip. welcome to poor ass broke, population: us. BUT this year is different and we headed over to silver mountain in kellogg, idaho for a long weekend at their ski hill/indoor water park. the trip over was really short…don’t know why i haven’t realized before how close it is. it was my first time back to kellogg in probably close to 11 years. went over to visit a few times when the oldest spawn was tiny and my brother was a cop over there- so, yeah. a while. the resort was BEAUTIFUL. we had a cute little room with a huge kitchen, dual head shower, soaking tub, fire place, balcony- hell, it even had a washer/dryer in the room which came in handy with all the swim suits and things. that’s right, we went there for thanksgiving, to a ski hill, in the snow, and spent 90% of our time in the water. nothing says thanksgiving like sitting in a hot tub drinking vodka/seven. this may be a new tradition! the first day was a bit rough. my kids and i have been so scattered with work and school and rushing home to hurry and get some dinner so they could hurry off to bed for the next day…we haven’t really had any time together. so this was a big change for us. and it was a GOOD change. a good chance to reconnect and be a family. once we worked through a few hiccups and got used to being around each other things were good. we did make it up the ski hill one day- took the gondola 45 minutes up to the top of the ski hill realize we’re not really snow people. i shouldn’t say that. we don’t mind snow. we don’t mind cold. but when you have snow AND cold AND wind it gets to be a little much. especially when it’s the type of wind that you have to lean into to stand up straight…i’m more of a fireplace and book kind of girl when the weather is like that. but the oldest one got to snowboarding and sledding (inner tubes). the little one didn’t want to try anything, so we quickly called it a good experience and headed back down the hill back to the hot tubs and water slides. in all we ended up having an excellent time and really enjoyed being with each other. there’s not much more you could ask for! there were a few rough patches- the thanksgiving dinner was TERRIBLE but it was balanced out by awesome food at the snack bar at the water park- there’s something about cheap ass pizza and nachos that was HAPPY IN THE PANTS for the whole weekend. the first day at the water park was rough also- the little spawn has a really hard time doing things that are new and different. you basically have to FORCE him to try things. once you do it’s all well and good, but the initial experience is always draining. the first day he REFUSED to get into the water at all: no wading, no slides, no fountains- it was looking to be a LONG weekend. but after a few tears (on both sides) and finally getting him into the water, there was no getting him out on the last day when it was time to go. something we will have to keep working through each time we face something new. hopefully he’ll learn to fight a little less and trust a little more and it will balance out.

overall it was as good as a trip could have been. the roads were good on the way there and back, we had movies and snuggle time every night, fun in the water park all day, and really just an excellent first family vacation. YES, there are pictures. i’ll add a few to this when i get a chance- i *JUST* downloaded them on my laptop a few days ago and haven’t had a chance to go through them at all yet.

now to the icky part of it: it was hard for me. two year ago i had my first ever thanksgiving with my dad and my little brother. last year we had thanksgiving with my dad but my little brother was gone. this year they are both gone. it was really hard. i tried not to think about it the whole weekend, but considering that the whole reason we were able to take the trip…yeah. double edged sword. it was GREAT to be able to go and have a good time and start our own new little family tradition. but is SUCKED that we had to start our own new little family tradition. i made it through the whole trip without too many tears (save the battles with the small spawn) but driving home we drove past the valley mall in spokane. not a big deal. we’ve been out to the mall a few times over the past few months, i’ve driven to idaho and back and down that stretch of road a few times. but for some reason, this time driving back i was reminded of a few years ago when my dad and his wife stayed at a hotel out by the mall for the oldest spawns birthday. i remember sitting in their hotel room with them while the spawn opened his gifts and the kids getting to stay the night there and go swimming with grandpa. maybe it was because we were just coming back from a hotel, maybe it was because it was a family gathering, maybe it was just that i really saw what i was driving past for the first time in a while but holy fuck did it hit like a ton of bricks. out of nowhere i was suddenly bawling and flooded with memories and thinking about the whole weekend we had just finished and all of it all at once. it’s the strange moments like that that hit the hardest. they’re the ones you can’t see coming and can’t prepare for. you can prepare for the big holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, the BIG things. but the little things, the random reminders, the out of the blue memories that hit- those are SO FUCKING HARD. they just hit you and level you and leave you flat on your ass wondering what the fuck just happened. there i was, driving down the interstate, coming off an excellent weekend, and suddenly i’m just BAWLING. not the best when you’re going 70 down the road with 2 kids in the back seat that have no idea what’s going on.

i’m finding more of those lately too. those odd moments that just HIT. i was getting better for a while- feeling more on an even keel, healing, dealing well, but the last week or so has just been wicked. not even so much the christmas thing although that didn’t help (but i’ll get to that in another post). just the small thing- remembering how he always asked about my snow tires, how he always reminded me that i can’t feed the world, remembering how he did whatever he could whenever he could to help someone else out. just remembering him. trying to think of and remember as much as i can. every memory that i want to hold on to. i want to take time to write out all my memories of him and share them with everyone- partially so i don’t forget, and partially so you all can know him too.

so. you know. it was a hard but good weekend. it was a new tradition. it was our chance to be a family. it was also a reminder that the old things can’t happen anymore. and it was a time to feel the loss of the family that is gone. everything in balance, right?