when it was good, it was very very good

the last two days have been the kind you wait for and wish for more and, if you're smart, learn to appreciate for every. single. moment.

the weather has been absolutely perfect. the sun is shining during the day without scorching the earth, the warmth is holding well into the evenings. the teenager's attitude is coming back around, my attitude is coming back around, in this moment, in this breath, everything is good. and i love that i've learned to recognize and appreciate these moments.

yesterday the teenager and i sat down together and planned out the week. today we followed through on those plans- we did the grocery shopping, made dinner, sat down and ate together while we talked about school then afterwards he helped pick up without being asked, and *gasp* took out the trash without being asked.

i know we've gone back and forth, and we'll keep going back and forth. there's a learning curve to being 14. good lord- when i look back at my freshman year...how did any of us survive?

but he's a good kid. he has a good heart and he's starting to figure things out. we were able to talk about the football protests last night. he wanted to know what the big deal was so i explained from as many sides as i could- how some military feel, how some players feel, how some politicians feel, why it matters to so many people, why it matters to fans, players.

it's a lot to think about and there is no one right answer. it's important to not only have your opinion but be able to hear and understand other opinions. more than the issues at hand, that's what i want him to learn. the ability to see and understand both sides is an invaluable asset. ambidexterity of thought. to know what you believe and stand for, you have to know what else is out there. snap judgements are east. informed decisions are where the work comes in.

but, circling back around, it's been a good few days.

and the best part? i don't feel like i'm waiting for a shoe to drop. i feel like i'm starting a trend for us. and that's a BIG difference.

when you're counting the winning streak instead of waiting for the loss, it's a nice shift in perspective.

things are good. in this moment, in this breath, things are good.

a change will do you good?

you know those people that do something, every. single. day. for their whole adult life?

the guy that orders a pepperoni pizza every day at 5 (and then the pizza place employee saves the customers life after he notices the order didn't come in. true story).

the old man that has coffee at the same cafe every morning for 30 years.

the person that takes a picture every day for a full year.

the parents that plan ahead and have teachers write letters for their kids starting at kindergarten all the way through high school.

the people that have routine and structure and foresight.


FUCK THOSE PEOPLE.

no. seriously. how do you remember to call your sister every. single. day. at 8 pm? how do you have the money to stop at the same cafe every morning for years? how do you have the endurance to eat the same exact pizza every single day?

outside of the basics of hygeine, there is NOTHING that i can claim to do every day. and let's be really honest, there's some weekends even showering is optional. DON'T JUDGE. but things like exercise? ha ha ha ha ha. meditation. nope. reading the news? when i remember. visiting the same coffee shop? my budget is too...ahem...temperamental for that.

i do like routine, i do like familiar places, but i think i'm still pretty far from what would be deemed predictable or regular.

as inconsistent as i am though, i expect the rest of the world to pause and wait for me to pick up where i left off. AND THAT'S TOTALLY NOT UNREASONABLE. SHUT UP.

one of my favorite bar tenders packed up and moved out of town. BUT HE DIDN'T ASK ME FIRST. sure, i only manage to go out for a drink *maybe* once a month, BUT HE NEEDS TO ALWAYS BE THERE. how dare he have a life and goals and things outside being there for my comfort and familiarity? and now what do _I_ do (insert appropriate whining cry baby noises here). now i have to get used to a new bar tender, or, *gasp* find a new bar?? OH THE HUMANITY!

i don't deal well with things like this. i'm a creature of habit, as infrequent and scattered as those habits are. i'm the asshole that laments a store closed YEARS ago because i liked it and went to it a few times and always meant to go back. WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY ONE STOP THREE YEARS AGO WASN'T ENOUGH TO SUSTAIN THE BUSINESS??

one of the things i admire most in other people is their willingness to change and their ability to step out into new things. good friends packing up and selling their house in idaho to move to seattle with nothing more than an idea that there has to be something better. a bartender packing up his whole family to start a new business in a new town. people moving across states or countries for relationships. WHAT?? how is that even a thing? do you KNOW the risks involved?

i keep going back and forth about whether or not it's time for me to make some changes. maybe pack up everything and head to a new town? it's way too easy to talk myself out of it and into staying where i'm at in the comfortable and familiar, even if it is feeling like a favorite shirt i outgrew a few sizes ago (aka: my entire wardrobe). change jobs? but i have my order of things down here and i'm good at it and it's fluid and familiar.

just when i have myself convinced there's a whole wide world out there, a few things come together at home and i realize i like my little corner of the world and can't imagine leaving it behind. spring time is an especially persuasive sneaky bitch about this. why would you want to leave?? look how pretty and green the yard is! look how lovely the fruit trees are when they're in bloom! look how the house lights up when you open the curtains! why would you ever want to leave?? change jobs? but look how well those three things all worked out and how smoothly all that paperwork went through. and the stupid was at a moderate to low level this week. i can tolerate moderate to low.

one of the worst areas for me when it comes to change is people. i tend to have a nasty habit of dealing with change by disconnecting. one of my worst traits is not reaching out to people. i have forever wanted to be a better person about calling or sending cards or visiting. i buy stacks of cards that collect dust in bins. i intend to call but what do you SAY? i was not a chat-on-the-phone-for-hours teenager. traveling/visiting takes planning and budgeting and vacation time and i'm so worn out from all the excuse making that the actual traveling is just too much.

the last few weeks have been a lot of small changes happening and the idea of a few big ones lingering in the background. it's been stressful. one look at my face will tell you just how stressful. the teenager has been growing up and learning how to stand up for himself. he's been venturing a little further from the house at longer intervals. baseball at the school is now a standard instead of an occasional. "home by dark" shifts by a few minutes each day. he's not letting bullies push him around anymore, he talking back (and occasionally even fighting back). it's been cool to watch. i'm excited to see him grow and become. i don't remember the older one necessarily going through this...at least this pronounced. he started taking the city bus to school and started wanting to spend time "out" with friends but never quite showed the...growing up part of that. maybe i just missed it in the middle of all the fighting and anger and chaos that was happening.

today i had a job interview. i think it went well. but HOLY FUCK that would be a HUGE change. and i don't know if i'm ready for that. i mean...i like my job. i like my work. i'm good at what i do. i like my boss. i like the owner. not a fan of a chunk of my coworkers. but is that chunk enough to leave the comfortable, familiar that i'm GOOD at? it's hard! the ability to make the change is without question. talking to them today i know i could step in blindfolded and do the work they need done. but is that what i want?
how do you make that choice? how do you know when it's right to shake up the status quo and do something new or when you're just running away from problems?

change is good. a chance for a different perspective, growth, all that bullshit. but FUCK is it hard. i don't know what point i'm trying to make besides just plain old fashioned bitching and whining.  i don't have the answers. i don't have any answers. do smurfs have toes? I DON'T KNOW. is the communist party congress in north korea going to start world war 3? it's possible?? what's for dinner? STOP INTERROGATING ME.

i think the only good change is the kind i keep in my car for parking meters. and even that sucks when you forget to lock your doors and random people decide they need it more than you do. or when all the silver bits are gone and you're left with nothing but stupid pennies that don't work in parking meters.

nope. change of all kinds sucks. it is decided.

careful what you wish for

**EDITORS NOTE: found this post from a year ago that was never published. still relevant (if a little outdated), so hitting the publish now.**

I’m not sure how i ended up at 35, where all the years went or how they went so fast. It almost feels like I’m stuck in tv sitcom time- you know how EVERYTHING happens in a season and you realize it supposedly covered only a year of time.

Like Grey’s Anatomy (I know, a million years late, but catching up now on Netflix) you’re three seasons in and you realize it’s been ONE YEAR in their lives.

Well, like that but in reverse. Or something.

TIME GOES FAST YA’LL.

A while ago I learned a different way to phrase the "Where do you see yourself in 5 years" question; ask instead “what do you want more of in the future and how do you get there.”

Well. Funny thing is, be careful what you wish for. And be careful how you word things.

I wanted my house to be more calm and peaceful. Well, it is, but at a HUGE cost with one of my kids moving across the state.

I wanted to experience a healthy relationship. I have my version of a health relationship- someone that I care deeply about that cares about me. he just also happens to be very in love with his wife. (go ahead and judge, it can’t be any worse than the things I’ve already said to myself).

I wanted a good stable career in a job I love. I have that, but I’m also remembering all the things you miss by working all the time- weekends spent catching up from the week, kiddo missing sports/activities because you can’t leave work early all the time to play taxi. Rushing home from work to make it to a meeting and realizing you only get 1 hour of awake time with your kiddo before you’re onto another day.

It’s funny when you read the fine print on some of those things you want. Like the pork-barrel spending attached to legislature.

Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.

Trick is now to learn to better phrase things. Really think through all angles and dial in what it is I really want before going after it.

...and counting

it's been six weeks since my oldest son moved.

it feel like a lifetime. it feels like a few days.

it feels like the world has completely stopped. it feels like everything is on fast forward.

i've had a fuck of a time writing lately. there's so much hurt and anger and sadness and worry and gut wrenching sickness.

but i still get up and go to work.

i still meet up with friends.

i still make sure my youngest son has a good birthday.

i still try like fuck to hold it all together.

that's the real reason i haven't written.

i can't fall apart.

there's too many things to do. i can't write at work because i can't let them see me cry.

i can't write at home because there's dishes and dinner and grocery shopping and all the things i'm supposed to be doing (but can't because i'm just frozen).

i can't think about it. i can't fall apart.

i've lost my son. for probably a long time. i hope not forever.

but i can't think about it because i still have another son that needs me.

i'm so worried. everyone says he'll come back around. he won't hate me forever. he didn't really mean it when he told me he never wants to see me again.

i shouldn't read into him avoiding phone calls, stilted text message conversations. i shouldn't focus on the anger and blame during the few phone conversations that have happened.

i've taken my time thinking over the last few weeks. i can't say it's all been good thinking. i've used (and quite possibly abused) my sounding board friends. i've tried to look at things from all different angles, all different options.

i still haven't found another option that would have been better. i know this is the way it needed to be. it hasn't made it any easier. even weeks out.

i have so many questions and theories and ideas of why it all happened the way it did. i'm still working through them. i know i may not have any answers, ever. i'm working on being ok with that. some of the questions i'm still working up the courage to ask the right people and hope that they're willing to give me an honest response. i've been realizing half truths and passive destructions and undermining that go back years. it makes me think i'll i honestly never get real answers to my questions. it makes me think i've never gotten any honest answers from some people.

people ask how i am. how i've been doing. i answer politely but vaguely. i'm battling. it's true. i don't say it's a bloody, ugly, mean, horrible battle. i just answer politely and move on as quickly as possible. i feel like i've become adept at distractions- ask people questions, keep an arsenal of current events handy to change the topic, know ways to move on as quickly as possible. 

speaking of which.

i had a huge realization last week with the small spawn aging one more year: i'm the same age now as my mum when she got married to her second husband, and the small spawn is the age as my brother (and then me, three years younger).

it's hard to imagine my mom at 27 dating and...being young. hard to imagine her being the age i am now getting married to have someone help her raise her kids (her words). she's always been old to me. i never remember her being young or going out or anything. i remember one time in seattle she showed us she could change lanes without hitting the turtles in the road (the raised lane markers). i remember she had one gal she worked with that we would occasionally go over to their house on the edge of town. i think that was it for the extent of her friends and the extent of activity. she, to this day, has never had a drink of alcohol. she would go to work parties during the holidays but only stay a half hour because she didn't like being around people "like that" (drinkers). we went to church and i'm sure there were people there...but i dont remember her having a social circle. to this day i have NO CLUE what she would do during spring break and our two weeks in the summer my brother and i spent with our dad. we usually came home to rearranged furniture and her with a fresh perm. that's it.

it makes me wonder how my kids see me. i try to take them places and do things- movies, baseball games, hockey games, vacations (well, just one of those). i have a good circle of friends. i take time for myself and go out with said friends, attend theater, tweet-ups. i have friends over for dinner parties and bbq's and movie nights and just hang out nights. i've attempted dating (as well as that's gone...ugh). i've tried to make life LIFE. i've tried to show my kids conflict and resolution. i've tried to show them how to have a good time but still be responsible. i've tried to show them all the things that were hidden from me as a kid because they were grown up issues (never too early to learn budgeting and being money wise to me.)

i don't want my kids to look back on their childhood and only vaguely remember stories associated with pictures but draw a huge blank for the rest of it.

i'm 33. my youngest is 11. my oldest will be able to drive in a few months. life FLIES BY. i want them to remember it and love it.

on another track- i look at how my mom felt like she HAD to get married to have someone help her raise her kids. while i don't agree with that in any way shape or form, i also realize i've gone almost too far in the opposite direction shunning anyone that offers help (especially those that tried to force their help or tell me how it should be done). i'm so afraid of being like her- not being strong enough to do it on my own. i'm pretty sure i'm able to do it on my own. at least i have been able to for 15 years. pretty sure i don't have anything to prove to anyone at this point, so i need to just cool my jets and stop being so...harsh.

it all comes back to balance. i want someone willing to help, but not someone that thinks i NEED help. i'm not some fucking damsel in distress. i'm a damsel- maybe more of a dame. but i'm not exactly in distress. i've kept the lights on and the cupboards filled just fine. i want a partner, not an asshole knight on a horse that is going to shit all over my lawn (the horse. not the knight. well, maybe both). BUT. to get someone willing to help, i have to be willing to LET them help. i have to quit being so worried people will think i'm weak.

i have to quit being worried about people in general.

yeah. that's the biggest part of the equation. people are always going to have their own opinions. i can't control that. i'm sure no matter what someone out there is going to think i'm baby daddy shopping. someone is going to think i needed rescued. someone is going to think i'm with a guy i don't deserve. someone is going to think i could do better. someone is going to think i'm a fucking beached whale. someone is going to think i have soft movie cuddling enhanced plushness.

i have to quit worrying about others and worry about me. i have to look for what i need. what is important to me. what is best for my little core that's left.

IN OTHER NEWS:

i've said it before and i'll say it again: tattoos are my form of healing/working through things. i PLANNED on finishing up my second half sleeve before venturing out into any other tattoos, but gene had other ideas.

i've already introduced gene:

 well, gene needed a friend.

so.  meet anita:

she helps take care of gene. she's there to ice his injuries, mend his broken little heart. sweet little pigeon-toed anita.

together they're kind of AMAZING.

i know for sure i have gene in me. i've taken my hits. i've had my heart broken. i've been knocked around pretty good over the last few years but i'm still going.

but i also have anita in me (i know it's not a proper sentence. shut it.) i'm a fixer. i'm a helper. i want to make things better and take away what pain i can. i want to help put things back together, be there when someone needs me...especially my own damn self. back to that balance thing. admit my hurt, but also my own power to heal. like gene and anita. they go together. i'm going to keep taking hits over the years. and i'm going to keep fixing over the years.


so. 

six weeks. six weeks and counting.

i have plenty to say. i've been taking notes. i just haven't been able to get it out.

i'm trying to come back around. i'll get there.

six weeks is a lifetime and a blink. i'm getting there.

catch me if you can...

so. I had a few minutes to look at my computer today and realized i haven't posted since MAY. holy slacker. I know I promised to write more- and I have- just not here. I'm officially on staff at a new magazine (shameless plug: museandthemode.com) and have been writing articles and neglecting this.

I'm ready for my flogging.

also, in addition to the magazine I have 4 other jobs keeping me occupied- I know. in January I was camped on my couch and couldn't find anything. kinda miss those days...my checkbook doesn't though. last month for the first time in far too long there was a little bit of scratch left after the bills were paid. been a long time since actual paychecks have done that.

the funny thing is that my brain has been exploding lately- the more I take on the more I find I want to do. writing for the magazine kicked my crafty stuff back into gear and I ended up making jewelry of all things. that bit of creativity sparked a million other ideas, stories, blog posts but i honestly haven't had time to sit down and do it. right now m-f goes something like 8-4 work, baseball from 5-8, work for one of the other 3 jobs, kids, and sometimes sleep. slightly crazy. behind the scenes: I'm actually tapping this out on my phone at a baseball game. thank heavens for smart phones.

long story not so short- I am writing, check the magazine for my bits and pieces. things should taper off with baseball soon a ill have evenings back and can hopefully sit down and empty some of this brain stuffs out.

until then...

a mind fuck:

so. i tweeted about this the other day and i wasn’t trying to be vague- i’ve just really trying to wrap my head around it and it is a SERIOUS mind fuck. i’m going to try my best to explain the last few days, but really…there’s this huge shift that’s happened and i’m not sure i can capture it in words, but since that’s what i was born to do, here we go:

have you ever been in a conversation with someone and in the middle of it your brain bitch slapped you and said “hey you ignorant fuck…pay attention: you will never be the same after this”?

welcome to the last few days.

you meet people in life. you meet them in the oddest and most unexpected ways. one time you’re in line at a store, another you’re sitting next to each other at event. one day you go visit a friend and meet the neighbors. i believe, to my core, that there is a time and a reason for everything in life- hell, i have that very thing tattooed on my body...fewer words, same idea. each person, each event is meant to teach you something you needed to know in that moment or at that point in your life. some things you have to wait years for because you’re not ready for them yet, others help you lead up to that point. have i lost you yet? i feel like i’m babbling…

TO THE POINT:

saturday i was visiting friends and we decided to go down and visit the pool at their apartment complex. i’m not sure the exact details, suffice to say they’ve lived there for several years and haven’t met many of the neighbors. i’m the same way. i’ve lived places for YEARS before learning the name of any of the neighbors. currently, i have NO CLUE who else lives in my building and there’s only three units. i don’t like people as a general rule and i’ve learned the hard way that ignoring your neighbors is MUCH better than dealing with drama and bullshit. i don’t need to borrow a cup of sugar from anyone…it’s not worth the inevitable train wreck.

back to saturday, we went to their complex pool and met some of the neighbors.

jesus- i’m making a mess of this already.

so. we met two of the neighbors- two gentlemen who have been living there for a few months. we all chatted a bit, one of them and i ended up hitting it off quite well, we (my friends and i) were invited to the gentlemen’s apartment to chat and play dominos. it all went very well. best outcome of meeting the neighbors possible. then monday night i was invited back to their home to chat and hang out.

back story: these gentlemen moved here a few months ago from one of the many war torn countries on our havoc cursed earth. i’ll let that sink in a bit...it took me a while to really understand the impact of that simple sentence- they moved here from a war torn county. they didn’t return from deployment, they didn’t vacation there, they didn’t spend some time there, they LIVED there. GREW UP in the middle of war. their whole life experience has been turmoil and tragedy. all the things i’ve grown up seeing on the news from as far back as i can remember- THEY LIVED IT. they’re still living it.

the guy that i hit it off with…life is so endlessly fascinating…we’re 4 months apart in age. we both have bachelor’s degrees in English/Literature. we’re both music and movie fanatics. he’s wicked smart with all the different languages, physics, literature info in his brain. we have commonality that astounds me. even with a language barrier we crack jokes and laugh and (for the most part) understand each other shockingly well. it’s almost like finding out you’ve been leading a parallel life with someone halfway across the globe.

but that’s where the similarities ended. parallel lives in completely separate universes.

see, he grew up with chaos and destruction and loss. i grew with comfort and security and lower-middle class america. he grew up with it being normal to see civil unrest in the streets. grenades, bombs, guns, daily fighting were typical. loss was almost expected or at least less of a shock. i grew up never actually seeing any type of fight in person except the one bad date i went on my junior year in high school and that was just one punch. i’ve never been around live fire, or bombs, or riots or ANYTHING more than a long line of cranky walmart shoppers at christmas time.

i remember watching things or hearing about things on tv. we bought our first tv in 1990 so my mum’s husband could watch the initial wave of desert shield. this guy grew up watching out his front door. we worried about my mum’s husband being recalled to the marines for active duty. this gentleman watched his friends and family and town called to active duty willing or not. i read about sadaam in newsweek during high school. he lived all the events first hand. i watched friends and family go off for tours during OEF. he was in the middle of it. literally.

i tend to forget that all the things going on right now are history. we are living history that will be written about and analyzed and talked about forever. and he’s been literally LIVING in the middle of that history. does this make sense? i cant explain…i hear about soldiers deployed for 9 months, 18 months, years even. they’re trained, they’re taught to expect the problem, they’re prepared and given tools and support and you know…they volunteer to serve their country and go over to these places. i can imagine growing up in that. not having a choice. being forced to learn your own ways to deal with it. learning to expect the chaos and feeling lost when it’s calm. as kids they don’t have the training, they don’t have the support, they don’t get to leave in a few months and come back to their real homes where walking to the grocery store doesn’t take 5 hours because of a sudden gun battle.

and i look at my darling steve- how much it affected him being over there for his short deployment time. i saw how much it hurt him and how much it changed him and how he carried that with him…and then i try to think about having to live that every. single. day.

and this gentleman- his spirit- he has this amazing spirit. he exudes calm and an assurance and a security. from such chaos comes such peace. don’t get me wrong- i’m sure there’s an inner battle i’m not privy to. and i know there’s only so much you can see in 6 hours of conversation broken by language differences. but there’s also SO MUCH you can see in that time. there’s laughter and jokes and humility and honesty.

i can’t…there aren’t the right words for how in awe i am. this person with so many parallels but on such a different plane. the same age, the same interest, but such amazingly different lives. i was in awe of the things he was willing to share with me and the experiences he’s lived and the life he is planning. the way he talks about people he’s known and lost. the true, deep respect he has for his family. the drive he has to go on and make a better life come hell or high water.

but…there’s still…what am i trying to say…FUCK…it was so…sobering i guess is the closest word-

to realize and make that connection between the news and life- and i mean it’s happened before. there’s big events- there’s steve deploying and coming home, there’s friends currently serving, there’s local news that hits home, there’s current events and chaos everywhere. but this is HARD CORE real life- does any of this make sense? this is real life history not reading an article with unknown spin in a magazine. this isn’t a journalists view of the events. this is LIFE. right in front of me.

and through the week i’ve had the chance to spend even more time- i’ve been invited into homes for dinner. i’ve had several long conversations that were almost half arguments about differences in culture and ideas and goals. i’ve looked differently at my experiences and how i’ve viewed life until now. i’m trying to remind myself that even though it’s not the same, i’ve also worked damn hard to get to where i’m at today. granted, my circumstances are a fucking cake walk comparatively, but still...

i don’t know- guess this is all a long way of saying it’s been a thought provoking week. it’s been a week of learning and listening and trying to imagine what life is like outside my protected little bubble. and, if you have time, you know...try it.

when life hits the reset button:

the other day a friend posted a video blog about taking care of yourself- following the 4 R’s: Rest, Rejuvenation, Reloading, and Reconnecting. i think those are pretty self explanatory, but if not, go check out his blog here: http://middleway.posterous.com/the-4-rs-of-self-care very wise words. as i was typing a comment on his blog, i realized i had WAY too much to say in one comment (shocker) and so decided to post my own blog.

i know…i bounce between completely crazy off the wall posts to serious life posts…imagine living with me.

but this one…i’ve been thinking about it for a while…what do you do when life hits the reset button?

you know what i mean…when everything takes a sudden left turn when you were planning on going straight or right. when life dumps you on your ass, gives you an atomic wedgie, steals your lunch money, licks your glasses (what? that never happened to you?) or in general just does whatever it can to fuck you over. i’ve had the reset button hit SEVERAL times on me. i know other people that have had it hit on them. and it’s never the same. some days the reset button is just a simple: hey- want to go to a big college? some days it’s : hey- remember everything that was important to you that you held dear and close to your heart? yeah, i’m taking that away.

and what do you do when shit hits the fan? there is no right answer. there is no perfect way to respond. there is no handbook, no right thing to do, no perfect first step. but the important part is TAKING a step. any step. to just keep stepping. like sean said in his post- you have to take time for the 4 R’s- you have to rest, rejuvenate, reload, reconnect (which implies a time of DISCONNECT which is ok). taking that in a different direction , or the scenic route of the same direction- i have to REDUCE. sean mentioned at the beginning having his routines that he does, his hobbies- i call it my core self. WHO AM I? what makes me tick? what is my main fall back that i can always go back to and always find myself in? some people it’s being out doors, some people it’s dancing or art or sports or music. for me, it’s writing. writing has ALWAYS been my fall back. journaling, writing, blogging, anything- it’s my core, it’s what i go back to. so when shit hit, i REDUCE back to my core. i cut out what i need to be it people or activities or tv or whatever. i go back to what i know best, what makes me feel my best, something i know that i can always do. i’ve been writing since i could hold a pencil (my mom still has my first book- stapled backwards since i’m left handed and it just made sense that way).

my first big reset button that i really remember was 10/1997. that’s when life said- hey, guess what: PREGO! talk about a reset button. from a no plans high school senior just wandering through life, suddenly i had someone else to be responsible for, a life to plan, things i had to do, decisions i had to make- HOLY CRAP. and at the time it wasn’t a conscious thought, but i started to journal. and i wrote about it ALL. from how it happened to thinking about adoption to the doctors appointments, fights with the baby daddy, making plans, being scared shitless, going into labor. i wrote it all out and it helped me focus and make it through it all.

second big reset button: hello divorce. wow. i just found all those journals a while back and read through them again. it got really REALLY bad there for a while. but i wrote it out. i remember TELLING myself to write that time around. i had no one to talk to, no where to go, and i KNEW that i could write. i was TERRIFIED to write. he had read a few old journals and was NOT ok with me writing- but i made myself write (and hide the journal under the mattress). it got it all out. it sorted my thoughts, reminded me on the bad days of the good things, and reminded me on the questionable things why i was getting out. it helped me hold it together and remember and make it through. it also helped heal afterwords- getting it all out about a major change- divorce, two kids, a sick baby, part time work, the whole mess. and it was A TON of crap going on. i look back now and know that if i hadn’t had some way to get myself through it- who knows. but i knew to go back to my core. i knew how to pull myself out.

the last few years big and little reset buttons have hit: problems with the kids, close people passing away, fights, loves, friends, happy, sad, pissed off. things change constantly: we’ve moved, we’ve changed schools, daycare, found out about abuse, found out about suicide, found out about betrayal- and it’s all been there on my blogs (sorry about some of those by the way…). it was my out. it was my way to make it through, to get back to a balance. i had to go back to my core, reduce to my true self: writing. and i always recommend that to people. my oldest son is turning into an artist: so when shit hits the fan for him i tell him to draw about it. i learned the hard way once to never take away his art work- holy world ending. but when he lost his step mom and brother last year he was lost. hell…anyone would be lost after a blow like that, but an 11 year old kid? and he didn’t know what to do or how to let it out and i told him to draw it out. draw his lost brother the way he wanted him to be: make him the hero in a comic book, or the main character in a story. draw about his step mom and his dad, draw whatever he felt. i don’t know if he ever did, but it helped him just knowing what to do or where to turn if he needed to. i could see the heavy lift off him when the suggestion sunk in- something he was good at and could freely express him self in. it was like watching a light bulb turn on in his head. and it’s been that way sense. when he gets stressed he draws. now we just have to learn the balance between getting school work done and being stressed at school and drawing…oy. double-edged sword!

but- i promise, i’m getting to a point. i need an editor. sheesh.

BUT. i look at friends, i look at people i know and i wonder if they have the tools. i wonder if they know the 4 R’s of taking care of themselves. i wonder if they know who they are and what their core is that they can fall back on. and i see people struggling and i hurt for them. i hurt for the lost feeling and the pain and not knowing how to come out of it.

i’ve seen so many people struggling and having HUGE reset buttons hit in their lives the last year and i wonder if they know who they are, if they have a core to go back to. do they know how to find themselves and rebuild from the ashes? and it terrifies me the ones that don’t seem to. even more so as a fixer: i want to make it better for them. i want to point them in the right direction and give them a push and hold their hand and make it all work out. but how can i point them in the right direction if they don’t know what their direction is?

i guess that’s the point. it’s not the point i started out to have…but go figure. FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE. take time away, before a crisis hits. think about it. WHO ARE YOU? what is your core? what can you fall back on? what do you need to reduce to? what can you rejuvenate yourself with? what will restore you? it’s one of the most important lessons i’ve learned in life: finding out how to heal myself. i can’t expect others to do it for me. i can’t expect other people to know what to say or what to do. I NEED TO KNOW. and i want my friends to know. i want them to know how to make it better when the really shitty reset buttons are pushed. i want to see (and help) them rebuild. i want to watch them grow and learn and come out of things instead of faltering and becoming lost. so. ugh. getting sappy up in here. please friends: take a minute to learn yourself. make a note of it somewhere you’ll run across it often. leave reminders/objects around your house. let your friends know. find out who you are. and once you know, remember to take time to be the healthiest YOU. the 4 R’s are really important to live by. because i love ALL of you. and i want you to stick around for A LONG TIME. i mean… my blog needs readers. cause in the end, it’s all about me and what i need. remember that.