it’s been a minute since i’ve been this hot.
ok. well, i got pretty toasty last october towards the property management at my last place over no heat. but it’s been a few months at least.
state farm has decidedly ruined that streak.
look, i don’t like to be mean to people. there’s a mean, MEAN, severely toxic, very mean little beastie at my core. if she comes out, it’s not good. i try to keep her nice and mellow and tucked in her cave with a blanket and snackies and plenty of cannabis. a nice smoke haze helps keep some of the assholery hidden and takes the edges off the assholery that does break through the thiiiiiiiiiick tch cloud.
state farm broke through my nice hazy cloud and i’m LIT.
background: i’ve had state farm FOREVER. there was a small blip when i was married and they couldn’t insure the ex where i had to switch to progressive (THE WORST) but since at least 2004 i’ve been bff with jake.
home, life, auto. bundle discount. good driver discount. cool.
had a door to door salesman injury when i owned my home around 2012. called state farm once and they handled the whole thing.
had a parked car get totaled by a hit and run on a residential street around 2016. called state farm once and they sent me a check.
never, NEVER had an issue with my life insurance. just. had it.
like a good neighbor, state farm was there and we didn’t talk to each other.
the BEST type of insurance. like politics used to be: just there working in the background, i never had to think about it.
oh, how i miss those days.
a few weeks ago i got a message from my agent: my former agent had retired, was my life insurance doing everything it needed to do, why don’t i pop by the office, meet the new agent, make sure my policies were doing what they need to do.
sure. fine. whatever. i have no idea what life insurance is “supposed to do” besides pay out when you kick off, but sure.
scheduled as late in the afternoon as i could, left work early, headed to the appointment.
same office. haven’t been there in person since 2010ish. new agent. apparently she took over for her father, the former agent, who retired. cool. i had no issue with him. i dig it. family business. cool.
NOPE.
first thing when she introduced herself:
“...so, you work at the bookstore? i’ve noticed recently they have…a lot…they have a lot of gay books.”
SAID IN A WAY THAT CLEARLY INDICATES SHE IS LESS THAN EXCITED WITH OUR LARGE SELECTION OF GAY BOOKS.
you know the white bitch karen tone.
MY GAY ASS, clocking it immediately: YUP. we sure do. my buyers work really hard to make sure we have a wide, diverse selection of books for all our customers. but yes, we are very proud of our LGBTQIA+ selection, especially in a time when a lot of those books are being banned or challenged. we like to have them available for people coming to town from places where they might not be able to get them. we like to have them available for people in our community that need to be seen; representation matters. we’re very proud of our selection and we’ve had so many customers from all over the world tell us how much they love it and they wish they had an inclusive bookstore near them. (ALL TRUE THINGS).
lumpy sack of warm mayonnaise: “oh, well i guess that’s ok.”
YOU. GUESS. THAT’S. OKAY????
who in the ever loving fuck asked you??
not a great start, but we all know people like this exist, especially in this town. one small section of town turned purple in the last election (guess where i live and work), the rest is VERY red, we know this. just shake it off.
we sit down in her office. she’s incompetent at best trying to navigate her computer programs. girl, this is literally your job. how are you so bad at this? sure. computers are difficult at times, but this was just pure incompetence. no glitches, no freezes, no restarts, just pure incompetence and inability to navigate screens.
*eye twitch*
then the questions start:
shapeless, colorless sack of seven seasons ago ann taylor sadness: oh, 30 is young for life insurance. why did you get life insurance so young?
me: i don’t know. probably for the home/life/auto bundle discount.
brassy, choppy, unevenly cut, bad blonde bob: well that seems really young. most people aren’t thinking about insurance that young.
me: i honestly don’t remember. that was 15 years ago. i’ve just kinda always had it i guess.
round-as-she-is-tall leaves the room to get something off the printer, i start doing math and trying to figure out why DID i get insurance at 30?
OH. THAT’S WHEN EVERYONE DIED.
double digit deaths between 2009 and 2010. that’s right. everyone was dying and insurance seemed like a good idea.
homophobic hippo tromps back in the room and i tell her i figured it out: all the death.
lady who probably puts raisins in potato salad: oh, that’s too bad. what happened?
me: tries to quickly explains: child birth, TBI, suicide, house fire, cancer, drug overdose, a lot of things. it was a pretty rough year. but the insurance pay out from my brother and dad helped with things and it seemed like a good idea, so i got my own life insurance (and policies for my kids).
sad sack susan: *follows up with so. many. unnecessary. questions.*
eventually she convinces me to re-up my life insurance policy 5 years early. seems logical: get it done before 50 and it should be smooth sailing for another 20 years. same cost, new policy, sure. whatever.
some of you may remember this story from the melt down it caused when i realized i have to figure out what to do for the next 20 years. i didn’t plan on making it to 45 and now i have to think about 65??
but i answer all the questions, policy goes in for review, finish up the appointment, get ready to leave and she drops:
“well, it was so nice meeting you today. i hope you’re able to get some counseling soon and deal with some of the unresolved trauma from all the deaths.”
BITCH.
WHAT.
DID.
YOU.
JUST.
SAY.
TO.
ME??
YOU demanded detailed answers to questions i tried to politely vaguely answer because it was none of your fucking business. YOU kept asking, demanding to know. i tried to gloss over it as much as possible BUT YOU KEPT ASKING. and sure, i teared up for a few second because it was out of the blue and i wasn’t prepared to go IN DEPTH about things from 16 years ago, but sure, my issues with unresolved trauma.
FUCK YOU.
YOU LUMPY, CRUSTY, LEFT OUT IN THE SUN, NO PERSONALITY, BASIC WHITE CUNT BOB, TACKILY CLOTHED SACK OF WARM MAYONNAYSE.
what a fucking inappropriate parting shot. YOU dug, then you want to get “concerned” after YOU went poking around somewhere you never should have been?
you absolute fucking diseased mad cow.
fuck you all the way to BFE and back with a rusty fork.
that should have been it.
i should have started shopping for a new insurance agent then.
but whatever. i figured it would be another 15 years before i had to go into the office again for anything. i could go back to forgetting insurance existed.
or so i thought.
this week i got an email notice that the new life insurance policy had been approved, but there’s amendments to the policy i signed in office. then i got a call: she wanted to discuss the changes and have me stop by to sign and approve the increased cost.
the changes are an additional $20 PER MONTH because of:
1. height/weight
2. drug use (i openly talk about cannabis use because it’s a legal state)
i’m. fucking. livid.
december of 2021 my state farm bill was $78.82. same 3 policies. same car. old apartment.
as of this month, my bill is $167.13.
same 2014 car. no claims. no accidents. no tickets. driving less miles monthly/annually.
better apartment: newer construction, fewer units, cinder block materials, less crime, better EMS response time. again, no claims. no accidents. no issues.
my height and weight are BETTER than when i signed the original policy. well, height is the same. weight is better.
and drug use? REALLY? do you *REALLY* want to go there?
a government tested, highly regulated, completely LEGAL product sold over the counter in stores with no prescription needed? that “drug” is the one you have a problem with?
REALLY??
how about we talk about all the doctor prescribed, insurance approval required, limited access, controlled substance medications i had shoved down my throat after all the deaths that made me want to add my own death to the list? the countless anti-depressants and birth controls doctors put me on that sky rocketed my suicidal ideations? how about we talk about that, LIFE INSURANCE. those drugs are ok? the drugs that almost made you pay out a $100k policy countless times? THOSE DRUGS ARE OK?
but the legal, natural, safe plant that i consume, the product that safely helps me treat my AUTISM (not depression), that one you have issue with? the one that has made me excited to be alive again? THAT ONE is a problem?
so, cunty mccunterson called me yesterday: “i’ll try to talk to them and see what i can do.”
BITCH SAYS THIS LIKE SHE’S DOING ME A FAVOR.
you magnificent waste of humanity, YOU ARE THE ONE THAT CONVINCED ME TO CHANGE MY POLICY EARLY.
YOU ARE THE ONE THAT FUCKED THIS UP. i could have kept my other policy in place *JUST FINE* for another 5 years. but you convinced me this was a good idea, save a few dollars, lock it in til 65.
FUCK YOU.
FUCKITY FUCKING FUCK YOU.
i already have an email out to the local gay chamber of commerce and i will be finding a new rainbow family friendly agent ASAP.
fuck i’m mad.
AND WHO WANTS TO SPEND THIS MUCH ENERGY BEING MAD ABOUT FUCKING INSURANCE??
fucking insurance.
i hope all her overly stressed thigh seams all give out on her in the middle of a crowded grocery store. i hope all her shoes cause blisters forever. i hope her office is always cold and she never has a sweater. i hope her printer jams every third page and her toner smears on every document. i hope her computer crashes every time she asks an inappropriate invasive question. i hope she gets flat tires when there’s no roadside assistance. i hope every gas station is 5 miles too far and she runs out on the side of the road at the most inconvenient time possible.
fucking insurance.
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