what's the point?

one of the most fascinating things to me is the way the universe delivers messages.

who knew that my 28 year old going through a break up and yell-crying at me on the phone about what’s even the point? and being alone forever! would rattle loose the same issues i’ve been fighting with since…well…1980? maybe that’s dramatic. it was probably closer to 1990 before those thoughts hit. 

what even is the point? to all this? is it just to survive one shit storm before the next hits and hope there’s as little overlap as possible? is it just to make it through two weeks of work to pay your bills before the next two weeks and the next set of bills is due? what even IS the point of any of this??? ESPECIALLY when it’s all on fire and terrible anyway?

is alone the forever answer? is it? i’ve known it was my path since the late 90’s. some of us aren’t meant to be part of something more. some of us are solo fliers for this incarnation. some lessons you can only learn alone.

so, i don’t know dude. maybe it’s hereditary. maybe it’s bad examples. it is my journey this time around. i don’t know if it’s yours.

i thought i had dealt with those questions a long time ago. i thought i had made my peace with the uncertainty, the fear, the pain, the desolation of those questions.

maybe not so much.

i blame the moon.

more specifically the eclipse.

can’t and don’t wanna lie- having those questions reintroduced to my brain, especially from an apple that came directly from my tree? it fucked me up. i know those questions VERY well. i have stacks and stacks of journals from trying to deal with those questions.

especially from my 20’s.

especially after my divorce.

picking those questions back up in my 40’s is painful. painful in a new way, painful in the old way.

i remember EXACTLY what it felt like when those thoughts used to crush me. sitting alone with two kids from two different dads. sitting alone with no family, no support system. sitting alone with a very mean brain and a LOT of trauma and emotional abuse. whew. that pain came FLOODING back. that absolute chest cracking emptiness. that deep, dark, vicious blame of brokenness and wongness and too muchness. that need to contort and shift yourself into something, ANYTHING acceptable but you have no idea what that even is or how to even do it. that shame and blame when you see everyone else around you partnered up and settling down and having purpose and drive and success and you’re just…not. the analyzing. the self flagellation. the debilitating criticism and critiques. HATING yourself because someone really mean taught you the common denominator theory and YOU are the only common denominator.

whew. it flatlined me. literally. flat on my floor, face down in the dark, flatlined me. 

i know that loneliness. when you go home after work to an empty apartment. when you go through a breakup and lose the person you thought MAYBE THIS TIME with. when friend groups shift and you lose the friend and the people around the friend. when family just doesn’t include you. when you’re profoundly alone. 

HOWEVER, the messages around this eclipse have been very clear: let go of what’s not working for you. old habits, old people, old situations,

OLD HARMFUL THOUGH PROCESSES THAT AREN’T TRUE OR REAL.

and, as real as all those feelings are, or were, as hard as that hit me, as much as it hurt, as much as i thought i had dealt with them…

I HAD.

and i remembered.

what is the point to all this?

LOVE.

well, isn’t that ironic considering the second half of that question? am i going to be alone forever?

maybe.

probably.

that doesn’t mean i can’t love.

THOSE WHO CAN, DO

THOSE WHO CAN’T, TEACH

i might not have some grand mighty purpose. i might not have the epic love story. i might be alone and drifting with no goal in sight.

BUT I CAN LOVE.

love is the point. love is the purpose. the reason. leave the world better than you found it: THAT is the point. help others not feel this way. that’s the point. if you can’t find it, BE IT.

BE WHAT YOU NEEDED WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER.

i know this.

it just took me a minute to remember.

and maybe a half a box of kleenex and a not insignificant amount of weed.

i know how much i want love. i know what i want love to look like. i know how many times i’ve walked away because that’s NOT what i wanted love to look like.

side track: did you know you can do that?

you’re allowed to say THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT LOVE TO LOOK LIKE and leave.

they say i love you but constantly disrespect you? lie to you? emotionally harm you? nitpick and tear you down? they love you but ignore your needs? they love you but don’t listen to you or hear you?

you’re allowed to say THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT LOVE TO LOOK LIKE.

i personally want love to look kind. funny. supportive. financially responsible. emotionally safe. sexually exciting. i want love to look like I GOT YOU, not figure it out. i want love to look like you fascinate me, not holy fuck you’re too much.

i digress, or, more accurately, can’t walk two idea lines at the same time, even if they are parallel.

yes, i am alone. yes, loneliness is hard. yes, maybe i’ll be alone forever, because i know what i want love to look like and i won’t settle for less.

AND ALSO, circling back, it hurts because even though i know i learned my lessons and maybe just needed a refresher course, my kid is learning those lessons NOW.

he hasn’t learned how to be comfortable being alone. he hasn’t learned how to turn down the voices in your head yet. to be fair, i still can’t turn them off either, but i’ve learned to turn them down and tune them out. those are HARD lessons. they took me into my 40’s and a global pandemic locking my ass in a studio apartment by myself to learn. 

it’s a particular new hurt when i realized the apple didn’t even fall off the tree. that poor kid got a damn carbon copy of my shitty brain. they really just said copy + paste + add cancer emotions. at least i’m a cold heartless virgo. that poor little water sign gets alllllll the emotions. it’s hard watching someone else go through a pain you know inside and out. it’s hard when there’s only so much i can help. i’m still mom. i’m still don’t know anything. small bits are starting to crack through. some of my intelligence is returning. some of my hard earned sage wisdom is appreciated, but at the end of the day, i’m still mom.

and so it hurts. in new ways. in old ways.

AND ALSO: i’m ready to let go of that hurt. one of the messages today: what if the miracle is finally being free? walking up and realizing the thing you cried over, prayed over, almost lost yourself over doesn’t have power over you any more?

i’m glad the universe brought this back up. i’m glad i was able to remember AND see how it’s changed. i’m glad i can let that thought go. i’m glad i can let that hurt be healed. i’m glad i can look back at the pain, love it for reminding me that i do have feelings. i always have. i’m glad it showed me how much i’ve grown. i’m glad it showed me that i can let it go. completely forever. i fought that battle. i have MY answer. 

i’m glad i can recognize that my son’s pain is not my pain AND i can be there for him through it. i don’t have to let it hurt me anymore and i can help him learn how to ease that same hurt. i can help him find HIS answer. 

WHAT’S THE POINT?

love.

if you don’t have it, BE IT. if you can’t find it, CREATE IT. if no one has said it to you, say it to every other person.

i don’t believe in jesus but i do believe in dolly parton and miss mona said: “if i see someone without a smile, i just give em one of mine.”

then she sang i will always love you and rode off into the sunset with ed earl and i cried an ugly cry even though i’ve seen it a hundred times. ANYWAY.

BE THE LOVE.

that’s the point.