loosen your grip

the google machine has failed me. i can see the image in my head but can't find it to share (and me drawing would be just plain terrible).

but you know that moment in a cartoon where the character falls and is CLINGING to the end of the rope and there is perilous danger and a certain plummet to the death if they let go? then it pans down three inches and there's solid ground RIGHT THERE and the character lets go and sheepishly walks off like they really weren't just completely terrified for their life three seconds ago?

or when someone is flailing in the pool certain they're going to drown and then they stand up and it's barely knee deep?

THAT.

THAT is the feeling i have right now.

i feel like i've been in crisis mode for so many years, clinging to the end of my rope, so terrified of the fall that i didn't even bother to look below me and notice the completely stable landing pad RIGHT THERE.

2015 is odd.  a great odd. but odd. my budget has loosened up across the board without any specific conscious effort- like my comfort level electric billing being adjusted lower without me making any specific effort to conserve energy. or like my cellphone bill being cut almost in half after removing one line (even with adding a tablet). the raise at work helped too.

speaking of work, i love where i'm at. even with the occasional stupid comment (one of the guys comparing a lesbian couple being able to have a baby to the woman marrying her biological father because they're both gross. *headdesk*). with the raise, my boss asked me to take on additional responsibilities in regard to the company financials but was also willing to put me through classes to learn how to do it right. AWESOME.

home has been boring lately for the most part which is GOOD. i miss my teenager like crazy. it's been a year since i've seen him and he still barely texts or talks to me, BUT, i don't miss all the drama and chaos and anger we were stuck in. it's NICE not having to constantly referee and defend and be prepared for battle. there are still battles with the the almost teenager. we're slogging through sorting out negative and positive behaviors. it's exhausting as well but not nearly the continuous fight to the death i'd grown accustomed to.

and then there's the random AWESOME that's been happening- getting an article published on a well known web site. being asked to come on as a writer/interviewer for an entertainment magazine. realizing that i have been seriously putting myself down for YEARS and not believing my friends when they encouraged me (sorry everyone).

being published via submission is a big shift- it's people that aren't required/obligated to like my writing accepting it and publishing it and wanting more. it's such a...fuck...words...it's a MOMENT. an epicenter. an axis shifter..it's fucking HUGE that a magazine wants me on staff to represent them to their readership base. that a popular web site trusts that my article would resonate with their readers.

i've also been working on home again- getting things fixed, updated, decorated. tax return season has shifted over the years from TATTOO TIME! to electrical repairs, paint, art OH MY! i've been collecting pieces that make me happy and doing projects that make things feel more completed than falling apart. home is becoming HOME. after stripping it down during the attempts to sell, it's been blank and depressing for a while. now it's becoming HOME again. i like pulling up and seeing a freshly painted front door and new exterior chandelier (orb). i like sitting in my livingroom looking at art pieces that i've been waiting to adopt for a while. i like a dining room full of plants and terrariums (i can't even begin to describe how excited i am to make a trailer park terrarium, flamingos and all) . i'm stupidly excited to have ALL the lights in my bathroom finally working.

the biggest shift is that i'm HAPPY. the last several years have been rough. the end of last year took a few really harsh shots. but i finally took the time to look below the end of the rope and find that there's been a place to land just waiting.

i made it through and i didn't just survive, i'm thriving. i've finally broken the shell on the depression that's been lingering and i feel my creativity and energy and happiness coming back. i know this isn't forever. i'm well aware that it will take work and self care to maintain this spot. i know to watch for being overloaded or negative drains. i need to make sure i'm eating properly, sleeping, exercise...you know all those things a million and twelve people say that...well, work. i'm cautiously optimistic. i find myself looking at all the good happening and being majority excited and minority worried about the other shoe dropping. yes, the worry is still there, i'm still ME. but it's shifting. i've landed and gained footing. so far standing up is much better than hanging on.