*under construction*

well, they say a change will do you good and HOLY FUCK DID IT.

it's been a few months since the move- i'm officially all unpacked and settled (with the exception of maybe 4 boxes).

art is up, furniture is broken in, things are GOOD.

i knew things had been rough for a while. i thought i was mostly ok with occasional bouts of depression. now i'm realizing things were really bad. i was mostly depressed with occasional bouts of BAD depression.

now, in this apartment, things are GOOD.

i am the happiest and healthiest i've been in...i honestly don't even know how long. 5 years? 7 years? 13 years?

i still struggle. i'm still incredibly lonely a lot of the time. like the 4th of july...no plans, no particular place to go or anything to do. it was rough. didn't help when someone compared me to a girl that had to...how did they put it..."...basically forced [people] into hanging out with her today. it's her birthday and she has no friends. similar story to yours."

ACES. so. those thoughts in my head all the time about being a burden on people? not wanting to force them to spend time with me? my hesitation to reach out to people because it will inconvenience them or they won't feel comfortable enough to say no. OH. THOSE ARE ALL REAL AND TRUE. PEOPLE FEEL THAT WAY.

*sigh* well fuck a duck.

BUT. enough with that bullshit. I CAN ENTERTAIN MYSELF JUST FINE.

things have been changing since the move. there's been a shift and i'm still trying to sort it all out.

I'M DIFFERENT.

i'm like...happy.

know what happens when you're happy?

you care about yourself.

you take care of yourself.

i'm eating healthier. working out regularly (30 days and 15 lbs!). meditating. doing things i've always talked myself out of. some of it has to do with money. whomever said money can't buy you happiness was full of shit. IT REALLY CAN. well...it can smooth the way anyway. easier to be happy when you're not struggling and stressing every minute. good shit takes money. better quality clothes that fit and make me like how i look? make me feel more confident on a daily basis? NOT FREE. good quality skin care? NOT FREE. healthier food? better quality cooking ingredients? NOT FREE. things that i love and want in my home? NOT FREE (especially good art!).

there's things that have been put off WAY too long that just...they make a difference. shallow or not, they make a difference. braces for the kiddo that he's waited YEARS for? they take money. braces for me? that i've waited thirty years for? they take money.

and i know, i'm sure i'm missing the grand point that true happiness can be found without all those things...it's who you are inside. it's a million other cliches.

but for me, it's those things. it's being able to not be worried about the car breaking down. not being worried about hot lunch money. not being worried about if either of us gets sick. what happens if i miss work? what happens if he wants to go to summer camp? safety net: secure.

so, that has been GREAT.

the bigger change though has been the little things.

shortly after we moved in, i plugged the tv into some good old fashioned rabbit ears and watched ACTUAL TV for the first time in years. do you know how fucking amazing jeopardy and wheel of fortune are? do you know how much watching a 3 hour block of america ninja warrior and spartan races makes me want to DO something? there's a basic connection of shared experiences...watching the same crappy commercials at the same time as other people. cheering on people from my home town while they're racing (ok, not WHILE...i get the whole production delay. shut up.)

it's one of the most basic things, but i look forward to getting home at night, plugging in the lights on my patio, and watching some good old fashioned TV. not netflix, not amazon prime. regular old TV.

since the move, it feels like i've been plugged back into real people, real life. it feels like i was in a bubble for a long time. i wasn't connected to anything. i would get home from work and lay on my couch waiting to go back to work the next morning.

now i get home from work and we run errand, have dinner, work out, DO THINGS. i've been to movies, concerts, theater, even a 20's themed birthday party where i *gasp* wore red lipstick and a dress.

WHAT???

maybe it's the move, maybe it's summer, maybe it's me, maybe it's all of it.

but I LIKE IT. and i'm committing myself to the next year of keeping it going. i'll have braces for one year, so i'm considering myself under construction for that year. i'm being refreshed and updated. i'm committing to working out. going out. meditation. self care.

and then, if i can do one year, why not make it two? the last 3 months have been SO. GREAT. imagine a whole year? 2 years? i'm gunning for it.

i kinda like this happy/healthy thing.

it's weird.