i'll be there for you

so. i know i haven't written in a long time. i've wanted to write, but haven't know what or how.

i've been caught up with a boyfriend. and not in that- what a bitch, gets a boyfriend and disappears on us kinda way. in an...i don't know what i can legally (or safely) write about him and our issues so i haven't written at all kind of way.

DON'T WORRY, i'm out of it now. but yes, it was one that i honestly didn't feel ok to write about. there's your first clue it wasn't good for me.

BUT.

some very, VERY good things did come out of it in the end.

most important: i have some of the most amazing friends and support any girl could EVER ask for.

things with the boy were...interesting...from the beginning. since day one my friends have listened, supported, and been there while i worked through and gave it a really damn hard try. most (ok, all) of them didn't particularly like the decisions i was making and didn't necessarily like the boy or some of the things that came with him, but the still loved me and stuck by me.

i can't even begin to say how much that meant.

i'm from a family that literally said: "you know, we'll only be here for you so many times before you're on your own."

family isn't blood and blood isn't family. i've been reminded of that one more time.

my people, my dear friends listened, helped me talk things out, pointed out things that i was missing, reminded me that they were worried about me, kept an eye on me but still let me take my journey and were there for me at the end of the day and at the end of this particular path.

i LOVE them for that. and it reminds me of the friend i need to be back for them. no judgement, love, support, acceptance even if it's not what you'd wish for them. listening even when it's the same thing over and again. being there and being able to (nicely) say YOU'RE BEING AN IDIOT but i still support you and will be here for you.

i LOVE my friends. i am so happy that i have each and every one of them. they all have a different perspective, a different way of pointing things out to me, a different way of supporting me, making me laugh, helping me get through some of the rough times. from helping me drink a $5 bottle of wine or a 6 pack of beer or a cup of coffee. friends that can babysit me while i sit at home crying, friends that i can go out with on a wednesday night, friends that i can chill and have a beer on a back deck and a real discussion with (yes, alcohol was mentioned several times. it helped. shut it.). they all together make this beautiful web of support that i am so lucky and blessed to have.

SECOND lesson: i tried. i really tried. lord knows there were plenty of issues and i didn't just cut and run. ok. YES it only lasted two months, so it's not like i did a giant marathon, but TWO MONTHS IS A LONG TIME FOR ME! OK?! honestly, longer than anything in the last 10 years. I mean- there were a few lovers that lasted longer, but no "relationships" where i was actually "with" someone. so.  this was big. i also haven't cared this much about someone in that long too. i was ALL IN on this one. and yes, sill that fast, but there was something about it. i know. i can't care about someone after a ton of time but then BAM, all in after just a few days. i can't explain it but it happened. and i tried. and i talked about things. and i tried to see things from multiple standpoints. and i tried to be patient and wait things out. but at the end of the day, you can't stay where you're not wanted. and it was painfully obvious that i wasn't wanted, so i had to leave. i wanted to stay. i wanted to make it work. i wanted to be in for the long haul. but you can't make decisions for people, and as much as i wanted to, i couldn't make him choose me or make him decide i was important to him.

but i did try. i did learn. i did grow. i did realize that i am capable of opening up and really caring about someone. i did learn that i can fight for things but still know when it's a loosing battle. i learned to stay true to me. i started to let myself slip, my friends could see me starting to change, i could feel me starting to change and so i got out. i didn't let myself get lost.

THIRD lesson: IT WASN'T ME. there isn't some fatal flaw. there isn't something horribly wrong with me. i didn't ruin this, i am not broken.

that's a BIG sentence for me to write. i am still as beautiful and desirable and smart as the first day he asked me out, and other people see that. i couldn't choose for him. and it was HIS choice. it isn't me that's wrong. it isn't him that's wrong. it just not the right time/place/fitting for us. not being right doesn't mean it's wrong.

i'm sad. i'm depressed. i'm heart broken. i'm all the things you are when something that has completely captured you falls apart. BUT i don't dislike me. i'm not blaming. i'm not hating.

i recognize that i am still fucking amazing. that's what drew him to me in the first place. it's what draws others. I AM STILL OK. i have my issues. i'm WELL aware of that. but i'm not "should-ing" myself or comparing myself or tearing myself apart trying to figure out questions that i will never have answers to because they're not my questions. i don't know why i wasn't right for him. i never will. but that's not MY issue to figure out. that's HIS issue to figure out and i won't tear myself apart or waste my time and energy trying to fix it. i don't know why SO MANY THINGS but it's ok. and i'm ok. and i'm choosing not to go down that road of destruction and hurt. there's already enough hurt as it is, i don't need to intentionally add more to myself.

so. i'm getting back to me. i'm SO THANKFUL for my friends. i'm thankful for the people that stood by me and gently reminded me to get my ass back behind the keyboard and be me again. i'm thankful for all the listening ears and compassionate hearts and cold beers.

i'm thankful for the lessons, no matter how much they hurt. i'm thankful for the experience. i'm still sad. i'm still camping out on my couch and laying low. but i'll be ok. and i know i'll have friends there helping me be ok.

so. i'm working on writing more. actual short stories and things as well as the blogs. yes, i still want to write "lessons learned the not so hard way" about all my horrible (and some ok) sexcapades. yes, i still want to write about all the things i've been through that got me to be the person i am now (but with a few names and details slightly changed). i want to WRITE. so i am. this is a start. back to the goal of at least once a week. i promise. and yell at me if i don't.

thanks to anyone that happens to be reading this for being patient with me.