have patience...

ok kids. this is going to be a moment of truth: i’m in the process of learning about myself. it’s going to be confusing, it’s going to be awkward, and, as per usual, you get to come along for the ride. funny thing is that i don’t even know where to start on this one. there’s an old saying: if you hear something once, you can dismiss it. if you hear it twice you should consider it. if you hear it a third time, it must be true. well, i’m one step away from an ugly truth.

i’m not sure what i’m being told is the truth, but i know that the core issue behind it is a truth. let’s start at the beginning shall we?

the new boy and i had a fight a few weeks ago. yes, already. it got ugly. hell, it got fucking nasty. we were both angry and mean. at times i was flat out vicious. he accused me of not understanding that he had responsibilities and i was angry at him for accusing me of not understanding responsibility. how could someone say that _I_ don’t understand responsibility? are you fucking kidding me? that’s all my life has been for the last 13 year. it’s why i went to college. it’s why i stayed at the same job for 10 years. it’s why i rarely go out and never get drunk with friends or date just any random guy. i have a responsibility to provide a safe, stable home for my kids. DON’T FUCKING TELL ME I DON’T UNDERSTAND RESPONSIBILITY. yes, NOW, the last MONTH, ONE MONTH, i have less responsibility: i don’t have a 9-5. i don’t have to answer to anyone right now. but i’m still responsible. i still get up and take the spawns to school every morning (and go back and get them when i realize it’s a weekend). i still pick them up every evening and make sure they have everything the need (and more than a few things that are just wants). i’m still doing what’s best for them. i’m still making sure they’re provided for and taken care of. i’m taking great care to plan things out, make sure i’m making the best decisions for us. I AM STILL RESPONSIBLE..

then, again today, a second person told me i don’t get responsibilities. that i have to remember that when you have responsibilities it affects your schedule. to be fair, this wasn’t a separate incident. i was discussing the argument above to a friend and basically he was agreeing with the new guy. so. that’s two. TWO people telling me i don’t get responsibility.

obviously my knee jerk reaction is anger...you may have picked up on a bit of that. i want to scream out “IT’S NOT TRUE” and i want to prove everyone wrong.

BUT.

it is true.

well, it is and it isn’t. i get responsibility. i am a responsible person and parent. THAT part is wrong. the core issue behind it isn’t though. when you trace these statements back and figure out where they started they have a common theme: patience.

i am not a patient person. i’ve known this my whole life. it has never been one of my virtues. ask anyone that knows me if i’m a patient person and they’ll just laugh. now i’m not TERRIBLE. i’m not one to storm the receptionist desk if the doctor is running behind. i’m not one to leave people at home or when we’re out or anywhere because they’re not ready when i am. i’m not the person drumming my fingers during a card game because the other turns are taking too long. i’m not a toe tapper of a huffer or a pacer. i can entertain myself to pass time. i can wait patiently in traffic (most days) without yelling at the other drivers. i understand that things happen, schedules change, and 95% of the time i’m able to roll with the punches and not be concerned at all.

BUT. when it comes to things like buying furniture, I WANT IT TODAY. i don’t want to have to wait for it to be ordered and shipped from white plains, wisconsin. i want to put it in my car and take it home. NOW. when it comes to ordering things online i want it TOMORROW. i’m the person checking the fed ex “track your package” three times a day like it will make things move along faster. if i see a problem or know of someone having trouble i want to fix it NOW. part of this comes from my dad. he was the type to just solve things. whatever it took, it needed to be better NOW. throw money at it, do something, make it happen. NOW. solve it. make it go away. i suppose you could describe me as impulsive or impetuous. i always take time to think things through but when the decision is made IT’S GO TIME. once i’ve set my mind to something the response needs to be immediate.

SOME TIMES this is a good thing. i’m willing to jump right in and get my hands dirty. i’m willing to come up with a solution. i’m want to DO SOMETHING instead of just sitting around with my thumb up my ass.

sometimes, this is NOT a good thing. take for example the problem at hand: understanding responsibility or not. it actually tracks back to my problem with patience. in this situation, the boy and i were arguing about how long it had been since we were able to see each other. between work, kiddo, family, life, it’s hard for him to fit in time to get together. he is a dedicated father which is a GREAT THING. when he has his son, nothing gets in the way of that. it is something i greatly admire about him. however, it limits his time to be able to go out. i get it. i’ve done 13 years of this. i know that when it was me, i tried really hard to make time for things that were important to me. BUT there have been PLENTY of times over the years though that plans got cancelled or changed. it happens. here’s another one of my flaws: when it’s me i expect everyone to just go along with it. when it’s someone else, i tend to be...well...impatient and less forgiving. i want to think they should just *poof* make time. they should just make it happen. not be tired, not have obligations. i forget how hard it can be and how sometimes you just can’t. it’s the nature of it all.

if you’ve ever watched the movie “always” with richard dryfus and john goodman there’s one of my favorite quotes to describe relationships:

pete: “love. ain’t what it used to be.”

al: “theres only ever been two kinds. there’s flash fires that are all flame and burn out quickly leaving nothing. then there’s the long burn. that’s nature’s burn. even when you think it’s out the forest floor is still warm to the touch.”

i’ve always been a flash burn girl. hot, intense, burns out quickly and there really is nothing left. no friendships, no continued contact, NOTHING. it goes fast- talking constantly, texting, “hooking up” (yes, i just used that phrase), and then just as quick: BAM. done.

that lack of patience thing right there...

i want to see the new guy any time i can. i want to hear from him. i want to be around him. i want it NOW. i don’t want to wait a week to see him again. and i get frustrated when i don’t get my way. and it comes out in me picking a fight. pushing for more time. “not understanding responsibility.” no, i understand it, it just doesn’t fit into my little time table and it needs to be MY way. yes, i realize what a selfish, immature bitch i sound like in this moment.

well, it seems that the whole flash burn thing isn’t exactly the best way to have a lasting relationship. who knew? and here i am suddenly, with a long burn guy. he’s taking time, not in a hurry, willing to put up with me and my lack of patience and my temper tantrums (so far) and take some time with this thing. how do you go from being a flash burn girl to a long burn girl? i honestly don’t know. i try to think about it and get an instant migraine. i panic. i freak the fuck out. a few days go by and i think he’s lost interest and moved on. he cancels a evening and i think it’s because he’s found someone else. i’m REALLY terrible at this. flash burns i can handle. i know how to do short term. i know how to break things and push people away so that i know what went wrong and why it ended when the timer dings so i’m not left with a bag of questions. yes, i just admitted that. sabotage is MUCH preferred over the mysterious unknown.

so. here i am. faced with the reality of what i need to become if i want a successful relationship but no idea how to get there.

I AM NOT PATIENT. i know that. what i don’t know is how to change it. i do know that, like all things, change takes time. well, how do you think that sits with someone who wants things better NOW? vicious circle. ugh. i have a migraine and i don’t know where i’m going with this.

where do i go with this? how do i start to fix it? how do you switch from a flash burn to a long burn? any suggestions? does anyone know if there’s going to be a blue light special on patience any time soon? turns out i could use a little stocking up on that...