TMIT: the first and the last

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TMI Thursday
 

ok kids. this is my first and my last TMIT: LiLu, this is all for you darling. i am blushing at the thought of posting this story, but it only seems right that if i'm going to jump on the bandwagon, the LAST bandwagon, i have to do it with guns a-blazing, in the most humiliating way possible. this story has been known to make it's way to light in the company of good friends and after MANY drinks...so i think this is the perfect home for it. that said: let me tell you about kevin:

i met kevin online back in the yahoo chat room days. WHAT? you know you did it too. shush. so. we chatted for a long time (months) but had never met since he lived across the state. and, as a newly divorced young mom with two kids i didn't do much traveling. kevin seemed mostly normal...as normal as someone can seem in chat anyway. he was able to keep up with conversation, crack jokes, catch my jokes...it was fun to have a pretend friend to chat with after the kids were in bed. fast forward a few months, i actually ended up going on a road trip (with my mum) to a town only about 30 minutes from where kevin lived. so he decided to drive up and meet me. my mum and i had adjoining rooms at the motel we were staying at...and...well...let's just say that didn't bother kevin at all. i will warn you: this is horrifying: we ended up gettin dirty on the floor in the bathroom. that's right. a motel bathroom floor. with my mum in the adjoining room (thus the bathroom...it put at least one more door between us). i don't even want to think about it. motel. bathroom. floor. *shudder* oh.my.god.

~sigh~

but that isn't it kids. that wasn't the TMIT post. that was just the back story. yes, it gets worse from there. so. kevin it turns out was fairly normal (thus the actual gettin it on, not just a friendly hi, thanks for driving up). we continued to chat after our little romp and he decided to drive all the way up north to the middle of BFE to visit me a few weeks later. this time in my own house. with my own bed. much better. and he did! and i was flattered. aww...a boy drove across state to see me.

so. you know that moment when a little alarm bell goes off i your head and you start to think: hmm...maybe this is something i'm not ok with?

three words: RED. VELVET. THONG.

and not me kids. NOT. ME. that's right. "somewhat normal" kevin was wearing a red. velvet. thong. not just a boy in a thong (ew). not just a boy in a red thong (ew, ew). a boy in a RED. VELVET. THONG. (vomit). here's another fun fact about kevin: he was a little alternative. now granted, this was back before i had any ink or anything different about me, so you know, pretty much EVERYTHING was shocking. not anymore. sure kevin had ink, which was "so edgy" to me then. kevin also had piercings. well. one anyway. just one. one.oh.god. piercing. i've never seen anything like it again and i REALLY, REALLY hope i never do. you see, kevin had (probably still has...who knows) a "down there" piercing. yes. red. velvet. thong. boy had a down there piercing. and not just a little bar, or a stud, or anything dainty. oh hell no. he went ALL OUT. imagine a circle with the diameter of a silver dollar. now add the gauge of approximately a pencil. now. place that THROUGH THE TIP. yes. through the tip. i don't even know how to describe it more than that: let's just say: if you ever saw the pam anderson/tommy lee video...know the part where he hangs the towel over it? kevin would have had a nice little ring to tuck it through...like a little mustache at the end of a pinocchio nose...OH.MY.OUCH.

and we're still not done yet kids. i warned you i was coming out with guns a-blazing.

so. we have red velvet thong boy. with the optional towel ring. and...alternative tastes. you see. after we bow-chicka-wow-wowed, he was interested in a little more. now...here's me: young, innocent (i honestly was back then...truth) flattered as hell that a guy drove across state for me...i'm pretty much gonna do whatever he asks. and boy did he he ask. you see...he wanted to...umm...visit other continents. like austrailia. like...ones i'd never been to before. EVER. like...ones i wasn't sure i EVER wanted to go to. you know...ummm...THERE. and i'm reasoning it out: well...he DID drive across state for me...so...

(if i had ever watched sex and the city at this point, i SO would have understood charlotte SO much better).

now. here's the thing. when you've never been to austrailia, you don't know what you're supposed to do. you don't know the customs or the rituals. you don't know how to...umm...prepare for your trip. if you're smart you read a tour guide before you go...i had never even planned on going and had never read a tour guide. i trusted that my traveling buddy had been there before and knew what he was doing. looking back...i'm thinking not so much.

so. we have red. velvet. thong. boy. with LARGE *ahem* "ear"ring. with his passport to austrailia and he's ready to go. damn. there's really no delicate way to end this story...so...we will just list the mistakes that i QUICKLY learned:

#1: girl should NEVER EVER EVER be on top. EVER.

#2: there should ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be plenty of lube and preparation.

#3: there should NEVER. EVER. EVER. EVER. EVER. EVER. be piercings of any type involved.

so. my first "exploration to the other side of the world" lasted all of about 30 second. MUCH pain. MUCH. ~sigh~ MUCH PAIN.

there you have it. the first, the last, the mortifying TMIT. all for you LiLu.