bad mommy moment:

i will start by saying this: EVERYTHING to follow is completely, 100% narcissistic and missing the big picture. i get it. i know it's not ALL about me. i do. really.

that said:

i feel like the biggest mommy failure but i'm very proud at the same same, but very ashamed, and very embarrassed, and a whole other mix of things. ~sigh~ basically it's a typical friday.

so. i had a call from youngest spawns school this week. his reading recovery teacher called to let me know that he's been selected for a special "reading behind the glass" demonstration (don't even get me started on what that sounds like...a 1st grade reading program is NOT on the list anywhere). out of all her reading recovery student, she selected my son to do a special reading demonstration to all the other reading recovery teachers, a few different principals, and whomever else would like to attend.

SUPER COOL! he was selected out of all the kids in his school in the reading recovery program because he's making the most progress, doing the best, working the hardest! HOORAY! and you can really tell...he reads out loud at home now at night for part of his homework and he's REALLY TRYING. and he's doing so much better. it's very exciting. it really is.

so. what's the bad mommy moment? i'm mad that my son is in reading recovery. and i'm sure that makes NO SENSE AT ALL. but see, here's the thing: i have a bachelors degree in literature. LITERATURE. READING. BOOKS. i've been reading since before i can remember. i wrote my first "book" when i was around 5 years old (illustrated and everything...and stapled backwards because i'm left handed and it totally made more sense that way). so...if i'm such a book freak, WHY IS MY SON IN READING RECOVERY? why has someone else had to teach him? the ony way i can even try to explain it is like this: imagine john nash trying to teach 1st graders math. and granted, i'm not the john nash of literature, but when i'm trying to teach something or explain it i feel like i am. i get SO FRUSTRATED that he doesn't just get it. that he doesn't just pick up a book and read. it TOTALLY doesn't help that the old spawn did that. never had a problem. just picked up a book and BAM. done. so. along comes spawn number two, and not only does he have trouble reading, he still has a very hard time with different parts of speech (think wiff instead of with) which makes listening to him read out loud SO HARD for me.  i want to focus on getting the word RIGHT instead of focusing on the fact that HE GOT THE WORD. and usually it ends up with one or both of us in tears due to sheer frustration. and i feel like such a failure. how can i not pass on the thing i love the most to my own kids?

and i know that's why there ARE reading recovery teachers. they have that gift of patience and ability to work through the frustration and help where i can't. i KNOW that. i'm GLAD those people are there. i'm SO EXCITED that my son IS DOING GREAT now because of one of those people. i just...grrrr...i feel like such a failure because i'm not that person.