so...are you going to eat that?

here is the tweet: E.P.I.C. just watched a very drunk guy drop his whole sausage on the ground. but it doesnt end there: he picked it up and ate it.

here is the story: thursday night i took a friend to go see clash of the titans for his birthday (yes, thursday, before it opened on friday. i'm amazing like that). so. movie lets out right after midnight and during the walk home he wants to stop at a local club and see what's going on. so we do. the club is PACKED. on a thursday? REALLY? you can tell how often i go out. well, at the clubs there are some smart people. as in smart FOOD people. at the club a few blocks over is a taco truck, at this particular club was the hot dog/sausage guy. TOTALLY makes sense. who hasn't had the drunken midnight munchies?


so: my friend wants to get a hot dog. there are four VERY, EXTREMELY, AMUSINGLY drunk guys already there...two of them have sausages in hand. now. these aren't regular sausages. these come PACKED with all sorts of drunken happy making goodness. from what i saw there is an option for nacho cheese, a few kinds of mustard, ketchup, relish, sauerkraut, onion...you can really stack these suckers up. and drunk people are trying to eat them. AH MUSING. so, of the four drunk guys: two are off to the side being normal (one of those two was doing his best to eat his hot dog w/o making too much of a mess) and two were play fighting...and one of those two had the other hot dog. the two normalish drunks were reminding the other two that they're friends and shouldn't be fighting. which is where i had to step in.

normal drunk guy #1: you guys! you're friends! you really shouldn't be fighting!

me: yeah. and besides, you're holding food. if you drop that it would be a SIN. like a big sin. like a sin against the gods (hey, i had just watched titans...it was allowed).

obnoxious drunk guy #1: whatever. i'll never drop this. i got it. (and starts to wave it around).

me: you're really tempting the fates there. i wouldn't do that if i were you.

obnoxious drunk guy #1: whatever. i told you. i'm good. i got this. (and starts to obnoxiously lick at the hot dog in a "suggestive way" (and by "suggestive way" remember: he's completely smashed. suggestive to him, funny to me))

me: wow. you're really lovin up on that sausage there, aren't you?

him: oh yeah. just doin it like you do it. (i think he was trying to insult me here: like saying i was wrong for liking "sausage" or something. or maybe he was calling me a fat girl. but i really do think he was trying to insinuate that i like big sausages...maybe if i was a guy that would have worked...)

me: *blink* um...and? cause, yeah: i'm a girl. i'm supposed to like "sausage". and i do. is there something wrong with that?

and. E.P.I.C. in slow motion, he's trying to still be funny/insulting about me liking sausage and starts waving the damn thing around again. AND. IT. FELL. like a fat kid at a belly flop contest: you could see it coming. and you knew it would suck. and then it hit. oh the glory...it hit the pavement and splattered EVERYWHERE. all that gooey topping goodness. EVERYWHERE. and i swear to you...his three buddies, the vendor, my friend and i all just stopped and stared. S.T.A.R.E.D. we didn't think it would really happen. but it did. and drunk obnoxious guy is PISSED. he's been called out, made fun of, failed at an insult, AND dropped his hot dog. oh. my. god. did. that. just. happen. AWESOME. that's what he gets for being obnoxious and trying to insult me.


~sigh~ 


his buddies were laughing their asses off, i was basking in the glow of sweet justice, and my friend finished ordering his hot dog (nacho cheese and all). then it happened. just when you thought the story was over. IT WASN'T. drunk obnoxious guy isn't done yet. oh no. he has another round left in him. after stalking around for a few seconds while his buddies laughed: HE PICKED IT BACK UP. and i'm giving him the benefit of the doubt: maybe he's just being polite and picking up his own mess. silly me. i forgot that this is OBNOXIOUS drunk guy. HE. TOOK. A. BITE.


HE. TOOK. A. BITE.


oh how i wish i were kidding. we all stopped and stared. again. he did NOT just do that. oh, but he did. and he ate the whole thing. all foot long that had just been resting upside down on a downtown street corner. HE. ATE. IT.


i almost threw. up. and the vendor guy TRIED to make it better. he reminded us that they power wash the sidewalks every night. so it's not SO bad. but still. even if they had washed them the day before, that's a WHOLE DAY of people and shoes, and dogs, and homeless people, and party people, and who knows what walking all over that sidewalk all day. people spitting, dropping thing, stepping in things, i don't even want to think of what could have been there. AND. HE. ATE. IT.


dear friends: PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE. never let me get that drunk. EVER.