this post does not exist:

i would just to make one thing perfectly clear: the blog you are about to read does not exist. the things it talks about DO NOT HAPPEN. like ever. it's ALL made up. NONE of it is real. this is all in you imagination.


this subject is completely made up because we all know that none of this would EVER happen to a woman, and IF it ever did (it doesn't) we would never admit to it. much less blog about it. in detail.


clear?


ok. so. i have an issue with...umm...dropping off the cosby's at the pool. taking a little time to read a magazine. visiting mr. hanky. POOPING. okay? i have an issue with poop.


~sigh~


yes. i went there. it is too much information thursday after all.


so. because it's me, i can't have normal issues with it. or maybe they are normal but since women never talk about it we don't know it's normal...especially since it doesn't actually happen. like ever. i'm making it all up that i ever would consider doing such a thing. right? we on the same page?


ok. so. here's my issues with pooping...if it were ever to happen. which it doesn't:


1: the noise. you KNOW that when you're home alone you will never make noise. everything will go as planned and there will be no problems. but the minute you're at work, or in a public place, or in the most inconvenient place possible, all hell breaks loose. see, it's when you're in those places that your body suddenly decides to release every single molecule of gas that you've been holding in since the day of your birth (cause women don't do that either). the fuller the bathroom is, the more gas you've been holding in. same goes with tiled bathrooms: the more tile to create an echo, the more noise your body will figure out how to make. it happens every. single. time.  also: what's with the inevitable "splash"????? why does it always have to sound like shamoo doing tricks at sea world? why does it sound like the winner at a belly flop contest EVERY. TIME.??


2: the cosby's HATE me. it never. ever. fails. every time they HAVE TO GO TO THE POOL RIGHT NOW we get to the pool and the decide they're not really up for swimming right now. maybe the water looks cold. maybe they they're afraid of the high dive. i don't know what it is, but they ALWAYS decide they don't want to go swimming as badly as they did two minutes ago when i was in the middle of work. or...one will decide to go swimming and the other can't make up their minds. maybe i do...oh no...wait...i don't. oh yeah i do....wait...nope. BUT NOW I DO. just kidding. now? no. and you try to...you know...push them off the edge, encourage them along...but they won't have any of it. so you're all FINE. no swimming for you! and then 10 minutes later they're all WE WANT TO GO SWIMMING NOW. 


sweet chocolate baby jesus (yes, i did that on purpose).


ok. i'll quit now. that's more than enough for me on this subject. two TMI thursdays in a row...damn. i promise i won't make this a habit. or maybe i will. hell, it's nothing new for me anyway.


and remember: THIS BLOG NEVER HAPPENED. it's impossible to write a blog about something that i would never ever do...right? RIGHT?? ok. good. you were never here....