fear:

so. i will admit to fear. i'm afraid of some normal things like snakes and extreme heights. i'm also scared of odd things like having my curtains open at night (you never know when you're going to look out and see a serial killer with a hook hand) or having my house burn down at night and the smoke detectors not going off (i used to lay awake at night staring at the smoke detectors making sure the red light flashed every few minutes).

i'm afraid of something happening to my kids. i'm afraid of something happening to my family. i'm afraid of many things.

i've also overcome many fears: i've had to walk through fire at times to be able to support my kids. i've had to pack up and move on ZERO planning. i've been able to make ends meet even when it seemed impossible. i've been through hurt. i've been through betrayal. i've been through abuse. i've been through heartbreak. i've lost friends and family. i've been through things that break some people. i've walked through those fires and come out the other side.

this weekend i admitted to a new fear. one i didn't know i had. actually, i don't know if it's new, or simply one i've been afraid to admit to before now (you know it's bad when your afraid to say what you're afraid of). but one thing i've learned in life is that you can't over come your fears until you call them by name, make them step out of the shadows, and face them head on. i've been afraid of depression: and i've learned to call it what it is, say when it's attacking, and learned how to battle it. so. here i go again: i'm calling out this fear: i'm naming it. hopefully i can find a way to over come it:

i'm afraid of what will happen if i become a better me. now hold on...follow me on this one: i'm afraid of what would happen if i get rid of all my excuses. if i mellow my quirks, lose my chubby bunny weight, learn patience, acceptance. i'm scared of what will happen if i break down the walls i've spent so long putting up. there's a bit of a catch: i'm already a damn good me. i love me. i'm a strong, intelligent, amazing person. i would be a damn good catch for some lucky guy just as i am. but i know there's room for improvement: i know there are things about me i can make better. but there's a fear that goes along with that. you see, right now i KNOW why i'm not "datable": it's me. it's things about me that keep guys away. i haven't let anyone any close enough to let it be someone else. it's always my fault why things don't work out. it's because i'm too quirky/picky. i'm too much of a bitch. i won't let someone get close enough to care about. i'm too chubby for them. i'm not neat enough for them. i have a dark sense of humor. i'm too sarcastic. it's all things about ME. only me.

in one of my last posts i vomited about how i really don't believe there's anyone out there willing to take on a single mom with two high needs kids. and the complete honest truth is that i'm scared to find out FOR SURE. i've had people say it. i've had SEVERAL people say it. but i'm scared to really test their words. right now i can hide behind my bitchiness and my weight. i can blame being single on myself. it's all ME. i'm too chubby to be datable. i'm too honest. i'm a bitch. i'm too quirky. it's all me. i'm scared that if i "fix" myself then it will be something else. something i can't fix. and i can't face that.

it doesn't matter how much weight i lose, or how pollyanna i become: weight loss won't fix aspergers. being the nicest person on earth won't make dealing with one of the smartest kids i know any easier. what happens if i fix me and things still don't work out? what if the simple truth is that no one wants to take on high needs kids? i don't want that to be the reason. i CAN'T LET that be the reason. it's ok when it's me. it's not ok if it's them. i am the way i am because I CHOOSE TO BE. i can change me. they can't. they didn't ask to be the way they are. and they don't deserve to be blamed or an excuse or anything. they're perfect and wonderful kids, and i don't want anyone to see them as anything other than that.

i was told i need to work on my first impression. does that even matter? does it matter how smooth and polished and amazing my first impression is if they won't stick around after that? I WANT TO BE THE REASON. i have to be the reason. that's all there is to it. i don't think i can walk through this fear. i don't see how. but then again...i rarely see how until i'm looking back at the trail that was blazed.