i just want a hair cut...

i have stupidly thick hair. we've always had a hate-hate relationship.

there is ZERO risk of me going bald outside medical reasons or radioactive spider bites (was spiderman bald, or was it just his outfit? i know deadpool was bald...).

my hair has always been...something. let's take a trip back in time:

back when it was manageable

so long. so blonde. even a bit of curl

second grade. LOVED this haircut. mum HATED it.

5th grade: year of the glasses AND the bad perm

8th grade: the era of hot rollers.

senior pictures.

i can say i tried it at least?

YOU'RE WELCOME.

oh man. so many train wreck pictures. so hard to just choose a few.

but HAIR. i grew up in the era of apple pectin shampoo and conditioner by the gallon from shopko and mom would add water to the conditioner when it ran low to make sure to get all of it. we had ONE curling iron in the house...the kind with teeth that feathers as it curls (or snarls up so you're scared you're going to have to cut it out). i DID have a crimper. super 80's. but growing up my hair was...there. i guess. i tried to do things with it, but if i washed it, it was wet and frizzy ALL DAY. if i didn't wash it, it was greasy and limp. if i hot rolled it, i looked like a brunette version of annie. if i slept on pink sponge rollers...i can't even go back to that dark place.

hair has been hair.

i tried the 90's flip out style which did NOT work well with my OCD and need for perfection (that was a brutal drivers license). i've tried short, long, hilighted, permed, colored, natural...PURPLE even. i've tried layering, thinning, asymetrical cuts, the reverse mullet (long in the front, short in the back). i have blow driers, flat irons, curling irons, curling wands, curlers, hair brushes, bobby pins, banana clips, hair combs. i have studied every "how to" when it comes to beach waves and simple manageable styles, all to no avail. i couldn't rat my hair if you handed me a costco size white rain and the best ratting comb.

currently i'm stuck in this not long, but not short, but not straight, but won't hold a curl, always dry and flaky but still oily and gross with split ends purgatory.

so now i'm venturing into the unknown: pixie.

maybe.

if i can get over hating myself.

the sound track in my head sounds something like this right now:

listen fat ass, your face is approximately the size and shape of a water balloon that's about to burst. not to mention all the acne scaring. and, let's not forget, current acne. you KNOW that if you get a pixie, it will show ALL of that. you can't hide your family jowels behind hair when there is no hair.

you know fat girls look terrible in pixie cuts. ok. maybe not all fat girls, but YOU will.

you think you'll be able to manage it more when it's short? that's what you thought when it was long. it will be super easy to braid or twist or style and go! how did that work captain alligator clip? YEAH. QUEEN OF FRUMPYVILLE. that's right. you think short will be any easier? sure, it may dry faster, but you still don't know how to DO hair. it will still look like a hot train wreck mess. AND your fat face will stick out and look like a DOUBLE train wreck.

you can't pull off a pixie. that's for people with CUTE faces. not people that look like a twin to their older brother.

you can't pull off a pixie. that's for young girls.

you can't pull off a pixie. YOU JUST CAN'T.

and what about when you want to grow it out? WHAT THEN? DO YOU KNOW HOW AWKWARD IT WILL BE?

there's SO. MUCH. HATE in my brain hole right now that it makes tina fey scripts look cuddly and loving.

and the pictures. OH. MY. GOD. THE. PICTURES. i can't imagine anything to draw. i can't imagine pieces of art to create. i can't imagine what remodeling or rearranging my living room would look like, but HOLY SHIT CAN I PICTURE HOW BAD A PIXIE CUT WOULD LOOK.

i'm fully, 100% convinced that i will look like a gremlin and a light socket had a fat adult baby. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT.

the pictures in my head are TERRIFYING. it's like every bad selfie vacationed in Chernobyl then mistook deadpool's oxygen deprivation chamber for a tanning bed.

BUT I'M GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY.

life is too short. so what if i look terrible? it's happened before, it will happen again. and i'll have plenty of pictures to show grandkids in the future when they're living on mars in their space suits and don't have to worry about doing their hair.

i'm sure the self hate will be raging away all weekend and through the actual haircut on tuesday. but, you know what?

there's always hats.