what if it's true?

know how some weeks it just seems like the universe is bound and determined to get your attention about something but you don't know WHY?

that's this week for me.

the what? domestic violence.

the why? fuck if i know.

i am a survivor of domestic violence. i left 12/13/2003 and never went back.

i have been away for a LONG time. and my...i don't know what to call it...scars? doesn't seem right because a scar indicates something that is completely healed and can't be opened back up again. but these wounds have sure as fuck been opened back up again.

i have a child support hearing next week. the case hasn't been touched since it was initially finalized as part of the divorce in 7/2004. there's a change in amounts around age 13, so i figured, why not, see if maybe there's a chance at getting some extra support to cover sports, clothes, school, all the things. especially since the teenager outgrows everything the minute the tag is off.

i'm terrified of the support hearing. i know that there's a VERY slim chance he'll fly up from whatever state he's in for the hearing. but i HATE going to court. it's like going to the principals office- even if I did nothing wrong it's still nerve wracking as fuck. and what if he does fly in? and what if he brings the wife with him? she's a hard core mean girl. i'm sure she's pissed as fuck that i filed. i'm sure she's shared it all over her social network what a money hungry bitch i am- she had ENDLESS things to say after the divorce about me. hell, she even SCREAMED at me once over the phone for talking to him every day and trying to get him back and spending all sorts of time with him. her screaming quieted down a bit i told her i didn't know who he was talking to on the phone or seeing, but i hadn't seen or hear from him in months.

i'm terrified of having to face either of them again. it's been 13 years and i'm still sick when i think about having to face his lies and truth twisting- ESPECIALLY in court where judges really don't care what's true (or at least they didn't in stevens county) and just want to get through all the cases for the day.

earlier this week on twitter there was a hashtag #MaybeHeDoesntHitYou about non-violent domestic violence. reading through all the different responses was HARD. so hard. it brought back way too much baggage and way too much pain that i thought i was over.

maybe he doesn't hit you but he isolates you from all your friends and family.
maybe he doesn't hit you but he destroys your credit
maybe he doesn't hit you but he shames every part of who you are
maybe he doesn't hit you but he tells you every day that he hates you and wants you gone
maybe he doesn't hit you but you wish he would because bruises heal faster than words
maybe he doesn't hit you but he constantly criticizes your clothes and make up
maybe he doesn't hit you but he reduces you to tears every change he gets
maybe he doesn't hit you but even the kids know to be quiet to not set him off
maybe he doesn't hit you when you try to talk about your feelings you end up crying and apologizing for being wrong
maybe he doesn't hit you...

the list goes on and on.

i remember being SCREAMED at for hours because i put green beans in the tater tot casserole.

i asked him to go play cards with friends one thanksgiving and he threatened to have the sheriff arrest me for kidnapping if i made him go.

i remember him calling me every. single. day. at work to make sure i was where i said i was.

i remember him checking the caller ID every night when he got home to see who i'd been talking to.

i remember him intentionally draining the bank account so i couldn't buy groceries.

i remember him opening credit cards in my name without my permission and racking up THOUSANDS of dollars.

i remember forcing myself to write in my journal on the bad days so that on the good days i wouldn't trick myself into thinking i'd made it all up.

i remember sleeping on the couch for 6 months because breastfeeding was disgusting and he didn't want it anywhere near him.

i wasn't allowed to ever have pineapple in the house because it was disgusting.


one little hashtag and i was right back in the house we lived in, back in the emotions, back in the fear.

the same day i was at my kiddos baseball game, minding my own business, and one of the other parents started to talk to me. i'm not social by nature, but she started a conversation and i won't be rude, so i chatted with her while the game drug on.

she told me about her abusive ex. and becoming a domestic violence lawyer. and i talked about my history. and again, i was right back there.

and for the last few days i've been stuck there. because that sound track is hard as fuck to turn off once it starts.

especially.

especially when it's true.

all those things he said to me? he wasn't wrong.

he told me no one else would want me.

13 years later i can't even get a date.

and he's still married to the second mistress.

he told me i was worthless.

13 years later he's making $140K a year without even a high school diploma and i'm having to ask the court (him) for more money to help make ends meet.

he told me no one would want to be around me.

i'm completely and totally alone. all the time.

how do you turn off the sound track? how do you convince yourself he's wrong when he wasn't?

and i don't know why this is all coming up. i don't know why this is the theme of the week. i don't know what i'm missing. i don't know what lesson i haven't learned yet. i don't know why i have to think about all this all over again.

there's something i need to see. there's something i need to figure out. but fuck if it isn't hard not to just wallow and be in pain. again. and i know i'm better than that. and i want to believe he was wrong, but i'm having a hard time convincing myself otherwise.

i'll keep looking. i'll keep sorting. i'll keep working through it. but what if at the end, it's just true?