i never...

i never thought i'd be the parent that called the police on my own child.

i never thought i'd have bruises from my own child.

i never thought a lot of things.

i DID think a lot of things though too.

i thought raising a teenager would be hard. i didn't know it would tear me apart piece by piece.

i thought i knew how to handle grief and loss. now i realize i have no clue.

i thought i would always know what to do for my kids and how to help them.

now i realize how foolish that was.

i don't know. i don't know how to fix either of them. and at this point they both need so much.

there is so much damage to be undone.

there is so much hurt and anger for all of us to work through.

i'm having such a hard time with everything right now.

on days like saturday when a police officer is in the front yard talking to my son and another is in the house talking to me i just want the move to be over and done so we don't have to keep waking up to this toxicity. i'm tired of being on edge waiting for the next explosion.

then days like yesterday when everyone is getting along and things seem fine i question the whole decision.

then days like today when both boys can do nothing but argue over every. trivial. insignificant. inconsequential thing i just want to scream and leave them both and move to the middle of no where all on my own.

i feel so much guilt and anxiety right now.

i'm not being a good friend to anyone right now because i'm hiding and avoiding everyone. i know i'll be distracted until all the dust settles.

i also know i have ZERO patience right now for anyone else. the slightest things leave me itching for a brutal knock down drag out fight. i know i'm just transferring my anger and frustration onto (not completely) innocent bystanders. so i've been biting my tongue and hiding to avoid causalities of war.

i'm not being a good mom because i'm on edge and completely worn out (fast food ALL WEEK. disgusting.) the house is a mess. the sink is full of dishes. the laundry is stacking up. all i can do is sit and stare at nothing. i don't want to help with homework or tell jokes. i don't want to pack lunches. it's all i can do to get out of bed and make sure there's still a paycheck at the end of the week.

i'm not being anything besides this shell of what used to be me.

i knew it would be hard.

but i never knew it would be this hard.

the weekend is a day away and i'm terrified to have a repeat of the last one. weeks are fine between school and work and limited hours together. weekends are a different story.

and i have no idea what to do about monday- there's no school and i can't leave the boys home alone at all anymore. and i can't keep letting this distract me from work or there won't be a work to be distracted from.

amd i'm trying not to think about things i can't control.

i can't control what it will be like for my son on the other side of the state. he's going to live with a parent who doesn't know how to be a parent. i know they will make it work, but i'm worried about how hard it will be for them while it's falling in line.

i can't control that other people still maintain contact with my mother and her husband. i won't have any say over my son being exposed to (or protected from) a pedophile.

i can't control how they will get along or the challenges they'll face.

i can't control how my son will feel when he leaves and whether or not he'll ever want to talk to me after he leaves.

i can't control how much anger he's feeling and how much hate he has towards me.

i can't control losing my sidekick, the kid who has been through EVERYTHING with me. he graduated high school and college with me. he's moved every time i have. he's been through marriage and divorce with me. we've visited countless doctors and principals offices together.

i never thought my life would feel this hopeless but hopeful at the same time.