MASH UP

as with every year, i want to WRITE MORE.

this year, i'm taking a different tact. this will be the first (of hopefully many) post that will simply be a mash up of all the notes i make to myself, random sentences, vague half baked ideas, misc thoughts that never get full attention, all of it. just getting it out.

some of these may develop into full ideas/posts later, but for now at least it's something besides a scribbled note on my phone or stuffed in the bottom of my purse or lost on a random envelope back in a stack of misc crap that gets sorted a hundred times but never goes anywhere beyond that.

and so. here it is. the first mash up of 2014:

: from the darkest corners come the softest souls. those who have stood at the gates of hell and soldiered their way back among the living recognize each other from the marks left by the journey. we recognize the quiet look of need, the strengthened spine of endurance and the careful walk if unsure footing. we recognize the smile shifting between true and brave, the touch of shared sorrow and hear the earnest offer to share struggle.

our legion is numberless, or pains familiar but different. we possess the wisdom no one searches for, the stories no one wants to write.


 : I feel like the majority of my adult/parenting life has been about unfucking/trying to sort out all the shit that was my childhood. i spend an inordinate amount of time and effort NOT being my mother. I never want my kids to feel like their birth was an accident and a burden and the cause of a horrible life event. I never want them to feel like i HAD to do something (like getting married) because I was unable to care for them. I don't want them to feel unwanted to like an anchor or a grudging duty. but now I'm worried that I'm creating a whole new set of things for them that they'll spend their adult lives and parent lives unfucking and trying not to do to their kids. is this the perpetual state of being? does anyone actually like how they were raised and are they managing to create healthy small people that will actually like how they were raised too


: while I fully understand that shows like scandal are written and created for tv, I also understand the the idea and possibility behind the show is very real and probable. I also am coming to understand that I should not watch such show's because it makes me think and start to ask too many question. questions I will never be able to ask. questions, that either have no answer, or (I honestly believe) have a truth buried so deep I don't want to begin to pull the thread. 

I chose, very consciously, three years ago to not ask questions. when you know there will be no answer, sometimes it is better instead to focus on simply saying THAT SUCKS and move forward.

: "She inhaled the scent of peppermint tea- the aroma stirring a faint memory from childhood that stayed in shadow, just beyond grasp."

: "...and with a dramatic sigh that sounded much more serious than anything actually happening at this juncture in life."

: AND FINALLY- one of my first poems that was in a box of stuff my mum recently emotionally bombed me with.  98% sure this is stolen from somewhere, but i still love that at 6 i was writing about suicidal peanuts (subtext is everything)

a peanut sat upon the tracks

it's heart was all a flutter

until the train came round the bend...

choo choo...peanut butter.