you're not alone

well, it's barely before the deadline (ok, technically after as of now), but here it is, for your birthday:

i grew up in a small town. the type of town where when you look back through your grade school class photos you recognize the same morphing faces year after year because there was a good chance you shared the same teacher with the same kids SEVERAL times.

it probably looked like a pretty average household on the surface. 3 bedroom house in town. no blatantly dark clouds or horror stories connected to our family. church on sunday and wednesday. parents both worked and weren't known as the town drunk, or anything like that. our family didn't have any superstars- i did manage to make the usual appearances in the school news paper when it came time for honor roll. we watched TGIF on fridays and made a once a month trip to the "big city" for necessities before walmart came to town.

i was never a popular kid by ANY stretch of the imagination. didn't attend one party through all of high school. i didn't have a lot of friends. or any, really, for that matter. i had people- drama club people, cheer team people, youth group people. but not really friends. no one that i hung out with outside those activities. no one that i spent hours on the phone with or anyone whose house i would have considered a second home.

beneath the surface- it wasn't great. i was lonely ALL the time. it's pretty sad when some of the only memories i have as a kid are of making a special place in my closet to read my favorite books (yes, i was literally IN THE CLOSET as a kid). school was rough- being on the lower end of middle class with a mom who didn't pay any attention to...well...anything made for some awkward moments. i had ZERO fashion sense and a body that took full advantage of every possible quirk you could- high water pants, frizzy hair, thick rimmed glasses. i was an embarrassment to my brother, had a mom that basically didn't know i existed until my brother graduated high school (she literally told me once she had no idea i had a sense of humor until after he moved out).

I PROMISE, this isn't a total emo post, i'm getting to a point.

POINT: (see, i told you it was coming). GROWING UP SUCKED. from the social stuff to the pretty horrible stuff that was happening at home behind the scene and below the surface. high school was particularly heinous from getting suspended from school my freshman year (after having someone threaten to kill me in front of a teacher who walked away) to being pregnant my senior year.

i was sad. i was angry. i was hurt. i was alone.

and for the longest time i really truly thought i was the only one.

not the only one that had it rough. i mean- i know it's shitty all over to various degrees and all that bullshit.

I GET IT.

but i really thought my set of problems was unique. no one could really ever understand what i went through.

and i graduated.

and i grew up.

and through the wonder of social media i reconnected with a fellow survivor of my little high school.

this gal and i had ONE bond that i knew of. and it wasn't so much a bond as a shared timeline.

we were both "the pregnant girl" in our senior class. AT THE SAME TIME.

almost quite literally the same time. she managed to pop out her little critter a few weeks before graduation, mine came a few weeks after.

so.

there was that.

meh.
 
we had spend high school as what i could consider fringe friends- you know...on the outside of related people's circles. in a venn diagram she would be the yellow circle, i would be the blue circle, and we had a few people that shared the green zone.

in case that was too complex, here's a visual.

but then we started talking.

we both knew what it was like to be the pregnant one in a small high school.

we both managed to graduate high school.

we both went on graduate college with Bachelors Degrees.

we both married and divorced (and remarried- her) and added an extra kid (me) or two (her) along the way.

we even shared the same tragic ear piercing story.

and it kept on going- 

all the horrible behind the scenes stuff that went on growing up? she survived way too many of the same experiences. hell, even our first time sex stories are eerily similar.

we both spent a lot of time feeling alone and hurt and scared.

and here we are. both moms. both older. both wiser.

and we're facing the same battles again.

we're both battling through difficult teenagers that are breaking our hearts. we're both faced with making a choice neither of us wants to make but we know we have to.

and in the middle of this REALLY, REALLY shitty time, i'm reminded of the basic simple fact: i'm not alone.

and i'm not turning cartwheels watching another mom struggle, trust, i'm really NOT turning cartwheels. that would be dangerous and horrible for all involved.

but i AM being reminded that i'm not the only one.

and when you're feeling particularly singled out by the universe.

and when you're EXHAUSTED.

and when you're broken.

and when you're not sure how the fuck you're going to wake up and make it through another day of sludge and battle and when you can't see the other side of the swamp of sadness and your horse has already disappeared...

you can't give up! you have to try! ARTAX! PLEASE!

it's nice to not be alone. even if it's in a shitty spot. ESPECIALLY if it's in a shitty spot.

it's nice to know there's someone that ACTUALLY understands and isn't just trying to say the polite or nice thing. it's nice to know there's someone that gets that you can't just smile and make it better. it's nice to know you're not being picked on and singled out. and it's nice to have someone to cheer on and that's cheering you on right back.

and as you watch each other slowly take one step at a time it's nice to see that steps can still be taken.

and it's nice to see that as much as we have in common, we've both done things very differently and ended up in the same spot, so IT'S NOT ME. i didn't do any ONE THING that caused this change to happen. it's not something she or i did- forgetting a fruit snack one day, not letting them have that certain pair of shorts at the store, taking or not taking them to church, public school vs home school. some kids are just hard. i can't beat myself up for things i did or didn't do.

AND THIS IS MY MESSAGE TO HER: YOU CAN'T EITHER.

we've both battled. we've both done the best we know how. we've both given our kids the best parenting we could. we've both had structure and rules. we've both tried our damndest to raise GOOD kids. and they are. we have both raised two brilliant boys that are amazing kids (when they choose to be). WE HAVEN'T FAILED. we've just hit one helluva mother fucking road block. and we're both going to find a way around it. and it will suck. 98% sure of that.

BUT: you're not alone. and i'm not alone. ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT.

so. on your birthday. please know that you are AMAZING. and you've come so fucking far. look at all the statistics of things we shouldn't have done.

according to all those statistics:
we weren't supposed to graduate high school once we got pregnant.
we weren't supposed to graduate college as a teen mom.
we weren't supposed to be able to leave an abusive marriage.
we weren't supposed to have successful careers.

and we sure as fuck weren't supposed to do ALL of those things.

and here we are. you and me. long lost twins.

i'm not giving up.

on you.

on me.

on our kids.

YOU ARE AMAZING. you are strong. you are a fighter.

this year will be hard. i wish like hell i had a magical candle for your birthday cake that you could just blow out and make it all better.

but instead i give you this: YOU'RE NOT ALONE.

happy birthday. i wish you strength and gentleness, courage and peace, belief in yourself and love for yourself. i wish for you tireless endurance and knowledge it will turn out alright, even when it seems nothing is right. i wish you unity as a family, even when some of your pieces aren't within arms reach.



oh yeah. and i wish you a costco cart of kleenex and chocolate too. that probably should have been at the start of the list of wishes, just in case the genie spaced out part way through.