stuck

i've been wandering around in this land of nothing for the last few weeks- only working one day a week, working on the house as i'm able (or help is available), just...drifting. there's been plenty of wasted time thanks to netflix and...honestly, i'm not sure what else.

i have worked on thinning out the crap that's stacked up around the house- furniture, clothes, STUFF, endless piles of STUFF that's accumulated over the last two years despite best efforts to routinely clean out and donate to arc or value village or give it away to people that might have a need. good god...SO MUCH STUFF. stupid consumer mindset.

anyway. i'm a fan of the drifting. it's nice to not HAVE to do things, but at the same time...i have no idea what i want to do. i have no idea what i want from a LOT of things.

but drifting only gets you so far. and it gets old QUICK.

i've never been a 10 year plan kinda gal. i've never been a corporate climber or one of those people with nine billion business ideas but no time to do them. hell, all i have lately is time and no ideas.

i still don't really know what i want to be when i grow up- i know what i'm good at, i know what i enjoy doing, but none of those things are what i could see myself doing day after day until the time social security (if it still exists then) kicks in.

i love writing- but do i want to do it every day under deadline and with other people editing/critiquing constantly? i honestly don't know.

i love making jewelry. doesn't exactly pay the bills.

i'm a damn good secretary but i tend to get bored sitting at the same desk pushing the same papers day after day.

so today i'm sitting here thinking about what i want.

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ok. so i started this blog a few weeks ago and circled back to it again today. i did not change ONE. SINGLE. THING. all the feelings are the same, everything is the same.

WHICH ISN'T GOOD.

i means i haven't pulled myself out of my funk yet.

it means i'm wallowing.

pigs wallow.

in mud.

and poop.

ew.

so. if nothing else, the funk has gotten worse over the last few weeks which makes me want to haul my ass out even more.

the last week has been especially hard- everything around me is changing.

friends are starting school or finishing school or off to start new careers. new babies are arriving. relationships are changing. friends are reaching their AMAZING career goals (side note: sitting with a great friend when they get the job offer of a life time is an amazing moment).

it sounds strange, but my #wednesdaynightshenannigans coming to an end this week hit particularly hard. see, if you haven't been properly stalking me for the last 2.5 years then what you don't know is that every wednesday i have MY bar, MY band, MY night out. it's been the same place and time and band every wednesday (as much as possible anyway) for TWO AND A HALF years. that ended this week. the band is going through some changes and it this week was the last performance in this bar on wednesdays.

YES, the bar will still be there. YES, they'll still have music. YES, my band is still playing (in different locations with a new guitar player). so the world isn't ENDING, but pretty damn close.

it was just...this moment. the end of an era. one more in a series of changes while i'm stuck sitting still.

and i feel STUCK.

i'm waiting...

waiting to hear back from resumes sent out. waiting for the house to sell. waiting for the teenage spawn to decide where he wants to live. waiting...waiting...waiting.

and i'm TRYING to do things. i've got the house as finished as possible to sell. i'm sending out applications and kicking buckets. i'm talking to the spawn and helping him reason through things.

but NOTHING is happening.

and i'm just.

STUCK.

and everything around me is changing and growing and taking shape.

and here i am.

and it sucks.

and i think the hardest thing is that i still DON'T KNOW what exactly i'm looking for. i don't know where i want to be. i don't know.

i don't know if i want to stay in spokane.

i don't know if i still want to be a secretary.

i don't know if it's better for the teenager to be with me or his dad at this point.

i just...don't know.

and it's hard to get traction to do anything when you do know what the thing is you want to do.

and i feel like i'm SO CLOSE to something. i feel like there's this huge moment just around the corner, but i can't quite round it yet.

i'm just.

frustrated.

and i know that when i'm frustrated is when i need to write the most. and i haven't even been doing that. and i say i will. and i have a million ideas of things to write about. but by the time i sit down to do it i'd rather browse hours of nothingness on netflix instead.

yes, i realize how lame that is.

i need some kind of a kick in the ass. i need something to connect. and i know when it does it will be excellent. hell, my fortune cookie told me so, see:

i just need to unstuckify myself.

so. if you need me, i'll be over here with the proverbial crow bar.

in the mean time...any writing suggestions? questions about anything that i can answer in long vomitous rambling form?