not great

this last week has been really hard.

as in i typed that sentence then stared at my screen for almost an hour because i couldn't type any more.

today is the third anniversary of losing my dad.

three years.

this year has been worse than any of the other years.

the last week i have been on the verge of tears CONSTANTLY. i've been wicked snappy and grumpy.

i just- i don't know.

maybe it's the frustration of nothing happening with the house. maybe it's the stress of job hunting. maybe it's realizing that i really do suck at this finding a significant other thing (even when i honestly try).

maybe it's all of it, maybe it's none of it.

maybe it's finally having the time for all the emotions i've been avoiding for three years.

i couldn't have a break down after my dad died. i couldn't sit all day and stare at nothing. i had to go to work, take care of kids, DO THINGS.

now...i work all of 10 hours a week. that translates into a LOT of free time. one spawn is gone for the summer, the other (when not asking annoying questions) is able to take care of himself for the most part. i don't have places to go or people to see. i just have...time.

time to think about how much i've fucked up over the last three years.

time to think about how much i miss my dad. how long it's been since i talked to him. time to think about how disappointed he would be to see where i am now. and i know he would still love me and support me, but i know he would also be disappointed in me. i haven't done anything. i haven't accomplished anything. i bought a house i hate. i quit a stable job to drift. and i'm still drifting, and it's getting scary. i still can't make the relationship thing work. i still haven't figured out where i want to be in the future or how to get there.

and then there's these out of the blue moments that sock you right in the gut- like watching a stupid sitcom and the character's dad dies and you can't breathe watching how they write the storyline of people trying to handling it.

and then there's moments of watching one of your good friend go into labor and have a baby and you realize how damn lucky you are that you had kids young and at least they had a few years of getting to know their grandpa.

and moments of watching a tv show with a fire scene that almost makes you throw up and not be able to sleep for a week.

and moments of trying to explain what happened to someone new and still not understanding it yourself.

and moments of needing a hug. 

and moments of wanting to rip the arm off anyone who tries to touch you.

and moments of friends checking in when you can barely get a word out to pretend you're ok.

and moments when you can't pretend anymore.

it's been a long week.

and i'm sitting here. just. wrecked.

and not sure how to put the pieces back together. wondering why it took three years to catch up to me. and wondering why i couldn't just stuff it down a little while longer.

i'm having a hard time.

it's a bad day after a long week.

and i know tomorrow will be a different day. and i know that eventually things will not be this hard. or i'll learn how to deal with them better or SOMETHING will be different. 

but today i'm not great.