three strikes: i'm not out.

in an unprecedented weekend of suck, i reached a new personal best (or worst as it may be):

i was stood up/cancelled on TWICE in ONE DAY for a date.  this brings the total cancel/stand up to THREE in a week and a half.

that's quite astounding when you think about it.

not sure whether to be proud or drowning my sorrows in a bucket of ben and jerry.

now, here's something for debate: would it have been wise to go on a date when i was high as ben franklin's kite?

then again, have you heard about some of my dates?

the question really should be why would i even consider going on any date SOBER?

some real peaches out there. of the dropped off the tree and half eaten by a squirrel variety.

i'm sure it's the universe's way of telling me that i should just stop looking. again.

online dating sites have NEVER proven successful in even the smallest of ways, perhaps it's time to take the profile down again and just wait and see what's coming down the pipe.

here's the difference between this time and all the other cancel/stand up times:

I DON'T CARE.

well, that's not the right way to say it.

I'M NOT DAMAGED.

there you go.  slightly better.

see, before whenever someone would stand me up or not call back or whatever from the list of a million things, i would take it personally.  i would revert back into the very real dark place of: well, that makes sense, my own family doesn't even like me, why would anyone else like me?

yes, that was a very real place that i spent WAY too many years stuck in. well, my own family rejected me, who would want me. well, my baby daddy rejected me, who would want me? well, my husband rejected me, who would want me?

it's a dark, horrible place. i spent way too much time and effort there over there over the last...15 years.

then i learned something: just because that person (or people) didn't want to be a part of my life doesn't mean someone WILL want to be a part of my life. just because those people didn't think i was good enough DOES NOT MEAN that i'm not good enough.

took a while for that one to sink in.

just because a few people don't think i'm good enough DOES NOT MEAN I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH. i can't change their opinion. i can't understand why they feel that way. it's a waste of time and energy, and it's not how i want to live anymore.

I LIKE ME.

that's damn good enough.

i have friends that like me.

that's damn good enough.

eventually, some other life partner will like me.

and i'm willing to wait for that person.

i'm not willing to change who i am or hide parts of me or feel less than or like i should be so grateful someone finally picked me.

that. is. bullshit. someone will be damn lucky to pick me. not the other way around.

it seems simple enough, but when you've spend the majority of your memorable life feeling not good enough, feeling like when i was rejected or stood up it was because i was broken or not good enough or needed to change something- it's a HUGE difference.

in the last few weeks i've been able to set aside the rejection and the hurt. i've been able to see that i will never understand the WHY behind things and i don't need to. chances are, the person doing the rejection doesn't even fully understand the why. so how the fuck did i think _I_ would figure it out?

i would rather spend my time thinking about the possibilities, the good things in the FUTURE rather than focusing on the shit in the past.

i still feel sadness when i look at the people that reject me- especially family. but it's not a personal sadness any more. it's a saddness that they're missing out on something awesome. it's sadness that they let their own fears or ignorance or close mindedness or whatever rule their lives. it's sadness that they're willing to give up instead of be who they're supposed to be. i feel sad to see them stuck in a small shell of who they're meant to be.

i don't feel rejected though. and that's BIG. i don't feel like i'm not good enough. i know i am. i know that people in my life now love me and accept me. i know that i've only gotten better the more i've learned to love and accept myself. i know that i've gotten happier and more confident as i've learned to quit worrying about THEM and start worrying about ME.

before this turns into too much of a "tree hugging democrat" party (my big spawns latest insult. i don't know either).

sheesh. when did i turn into suzy fucking sunshine?

moral of the story: THREE rejections, ONE AND A HALF WEEKS. and i'm not binging on ben and jerry (well i AM, but that's the munchies from the hydro, not the sadness). i'm not getting all emo. i'm not filling up journal after journal trying to find answers i'll never find (and don't need).

i'm looking forward to whatever is out there that's better because obviously these weren't right. i'm staying positive, i'm becoming a real tree hugging democrat.  damn.