so many questions from that including: would let my son just move across the state without me? what's keeping me here? there's a million more questions (and no answers) that have been swirling around in my head since then, but the biggest thing: WHAT IF I SOLD THE HOUSE AND MOVED? has been sticking with me.
the more i think about it, the more split i am on the decision. here's the problem: i LOVE my house, but i HATE owning it.
i LOVE my house. i love the tourett, i love the front porch. i love having a big lawn for bbqs with a hammock and a fire pit. i love the roses and the flowers and the fruit trees. i love that all my furniture fit perfectly when i bought it. i love that i picked the colors and painted every wall. i love the possibilities and ideas i have for it. i love it for what it could be. i love that i was able to try and say i did it. i owned a house free and clear.
aside from that: i hate owning a house.
the all american dream- a piece of land to call your own. living rent free. something you can fix up and do whatever you want it it.
i have that. and i HATE it.
i HATE property taxes. i have yet to learn to save up to pay them. technically i should be paying myself a little "rent" every month and setting it aside for these. yeah. that's happened. generally i get to april and october and let out a really loud FUCK. how the hell am i going to pay this bill? ok. so all one year. but still. it's almost april. and guess what i didn't do. again. shitballs.
maybe it's because i took on too many projects with too many assholes "helping" me when i moved in. the french doors that "friends" helped me install? still not finished and look like shit.
the hardwood floors that i paid a "friend" of the family to refinish? he used possibly the shittiest finish EVER on them, they're already scratched to hell, he never finished any of the thresholds and didn't reinstalled the molding and 3/4 round (and he's supposedly a professional hardwood floor guy).
the back deck that "friends" helped me redo? the whole thing was done wrong and needs to be taken completely apart and redone.
the kitchen is missing kick boards under the cabinets, the exterior needs repainted, the bathroom needs finished, the basement window needs replaced, the lawn is in desperate need of massive help, the office walls need cornered and textured, the garage door doesn't lock...the list is fucking endless. not to mention the fun little non-toxic whatever that showed up on the walls this year requiring a borax bath every few weeks.
there's just this endless list of shit that needs done...not to mention the stuff from the inspection report when i BOUGHT the damn thing that never got fixed to begin with.
i think possibly the most fucking frustrating part of the whole damn things is yes, i own my home, but i'm still living paycheck to paycheck, can't afford to fix any of the shit, and can't afford to take out a mortgage TO fix any of the shit. my credit took a dive, my bank account went from comfortable five year cushion to cobwebs and i don't feel like i have much to show for it. i never wanted to own a home, it was never on my bucket list. i simply thought i should do something wise with the money that showed up.
and now i have this fucking albatross around my neck that isn't drowning me quite yet, but it also isn't getting me anywhere.
even if it was all fixed. if i had a magic wand to make it all exactly like it is in my head- the whole fix-it list done, all the built in bookshelves installed, all the walls refinished with sheet rock instead of lathe and plaster, all the outlets updated, the knocking out and moving walls redone, the basement finished, the garage rebuilt into a studio, the lawn re-landscaped with a sprinkler system installed...even if all of it was magically done and it was the perfect vision in my head- i'm still STUCK.
i feel trapped now, stuck. that's the worst of it. i don't remember even feeling this stuck when i was locked into a corporate job. granted, when i was corporate i changed locations every few years with it- going to college, back home, to corporate, then out. and in that same time span i moved houses several (13) different times.
i don't like staying put. i don't like feeling locked in. i don't like any of it. i have too much gypsy in me- whether or not i actually do go anywhere, i can't stand having the option missing. maybe i haven't found my roots yet or maybe i'm more of a potted plant.
and i'll gladly admit: i loved having a manager or landlord to call when shit broke. i liked not worrying about property taxes and home owners insurance and water heater repairs. i liked being able to find a new place at the end of a lease if i wanted. i liked change and new and different. sure the actual moving was never fun. but setting up a new house, making it MINE was always fun. i liked the challenge of making things fit in different apartments, making the blank white walls feel like home.
i don't necessarily miss sharing walls with strangers, but is it really much different than sharing a fence line with strangers? i HATE my neighbors now more than i have at pretty much any other place i've lived.
so. i guess what i've decided is that whether i move across the state or across the city, i'm done being a home owner. i want to go back to someone else dealing with the headaches. i want to go back to affordable heating bills and included water/sewer/garbage. i want something new and different again.
i don't know how i'll say goodbye to this house. it's my almost wonderland. it's everything i ever wanted in a house. it's the house that my dad was finally able to buy me like he always wanted. and i wish i could just put down roots and be comfortable in one spot forever, but it's just not me.
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| Almost Wonderland |
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