sort it out

it's the second night in a row i haven't been able to sleep. i even let the damn dog back upstairs after spending the weekend cleaning carpets because i wondered if maybe i just missed listening to him snore at the foot of my bed.

no luck.

i know what the problem is. i know there's healthier and better ways to deal with it. i have it all downstairs in a notebook from the 6 week course i just finished.

FOR NOW: i'm handling it the old way that causes insomnia and indigestion stress.

old habits die hard.

i've had my comfort food, i've dyed my hair, i've spend the last few days stressing and trying to come up with ideas and plans and at the end of the day, i'm sitting in bed, crying over an uncertain future, fear, hurt, anger, all of it.

the big spawn thinks he wants to go to live with his dad for high school. it's come up a few times. and i'm sure it will go back and forth for a while more. one day all he can talk about is high school here and his friends and all that. the next day he needs to move over and live with his dad and go to school there and give his dad a chance to be a parent.

i get it. i really do. there's an age when a young man needs his dad around. the shaving, the girls, the sports, all of it. mom just doesn't cut it. i've known it was coming.

i'm trying really hard not to go to some really bad places with this. just when you think you've learned to deal with rejection and all the baggage that can bring...it just pops right up again. and i KNOW my son isn't rejecting me, he just wants his dad, he wants what's different and unknown and intriguing. knowing and feeling are two VERY different things though.

i've reminded him it would be a HUGE change- whole new school, no friends, high school, his dad is in school too, it's away from everything he's ever known, it's LIVING with his dad, not just staying with him for 2 weeks. it's SO MUCH at once. it scares me for him. i know my kid. i know he's smart. i've been raising him to be tough and take on change and take on big things. college is only 4 years away. i know i will have to let him go at some point. i just thought i had 4 more years. and i'm just worried this is too much at once. as smart as he is, i know he's also not the greatest at talking out his issues. and with all those changes there would be ISSUES. i also know he gets very angry and picks fights and acts out when he has issues he doesn't know how to deal with. and i don't know if he and his dad would know how to deal with that. i'm sure they would figure it out. i'm a mom. i worry.

and how could i ever tell my son no to wanting his dad?

i don't want him to be like me. i don't want him to have to wait until it's too late to try to build a relationship. and if some day, god forbid, anything ever happened, i don't want my son to be able to pick up and go about his life like nothing happened.

i don't want him to be 32, realizing he has very few memories, and hasn't really been affected the last two years aside from the occasional momentary break down. i don't want him sitting up one night realizing life went on way too easy and way to quickly for something that should have stopped the world in it's tracks. i don't want him to realize that it can come up in a conversation and be discussed as easily as the weather after only two years. i don't want him to have to live with never even getting to know what he lost.

speaking of the occasional momentary break down.

one paragraph that tooks a full hour to write.

and. dialing it back in.

so.

he's been talking the last few days about moving over with his dad. i honestly don't know if i can let him go. i know it's his choice and all, but that's MY KID. i've spent the last 15 years raising him. i've spent the time working through the temper tantrums and school and homework and all of it. i don't want to miss seeing the good parts- driving, dances, girlfriends, high school...

i know college is coming eventually, but, that's...you know...four years away and totally different.

as different as oranges and mandarins.

and so then i go into over-response mode: i'll just sell the house, get a job over there, pack up, jump on over the mountains with him. TOTALLY LOGICAL.

except...yanno...it itsn't.

i mean- yeah, there's not a whole lot going for me here. i have two part time jobs, no family, a good group of friends i would miss terribly, but i would miss my kid a helluva lot more.

on that side of the mountains there's better jobs, better schools for BOTH spawns, my niece and nephew would be closer, and my old spawn would have his dad.

sell the house, have a cushion for a bit to get settled and locked into a job.

EASY, RIGHT?

oh wait...there's approx a BILLION people on that side of the state. all looking for jobs. and the cost of living is 3 times as much. and there's endless schools to try to pick through. and trying to find a school close to a house close to a job. and there's a million little cities all up and down the coast- do i look way up north by his dad? do i settle in the middle near friends? do i go south near the small piece of family that's left?

there would be great schools for the small spawn, but we'd be looking at another new school, new teachers to battle with, new friends for him to try to make, another BIG change for him. But the school here hasn't been exactly stellar, the kids have been rough at best...maybe a change would be best for him too.

what if the house doesn't sell since there's still more work that needs done to it? does someone really want to buy a house with the most fucked up horrible looking french doors known to man? (ok, a little over dramatic, the contractor did the best he could, but they still look pretty terrible).

and what about me? my support group here is small, but it's damn powerful. could i leave that? i have friends over there too, and would have the spawns dad, but would that be enough for me?

and i honestly don't even know where to start to consider any of it. would i list my house here first so at least it's on the market?

so i look for a high school first? then a middle school? then an apartment that's close to both and then try to find a job in that area?

do i try to find a job first? then pick a high school close to that? and hope there's affordable housing within commute/bus distance for the boys and i both?

how the hell would i pack up this whole place and move it across the state? across town is a giant pain in the ass...what the hell would across the state be like?

is the teenager serious about this? would i really change my whole life to accommodate him (answer is yes). 

it's just...a LOT. then you throw in an unexpected break down and guilt about a kid needing a dad. and i've been itching for change (again) for a while, but this seems a little extreme. and there's just SO MUCH to it.

and i'm supposed to somehow sleep with all this rattling around. thank heavens for pandora, laptop computers and the internet.