#londoncalling

well, here it is, my last 12 hours in england.

and here i am, sitting here typing this.

so. that should about sum up how it’s gone.



i’m caught in this huge thunderstorm of emotions- between rationalization and pure emotion. i don’t know which way to let myself go. i don’t know if any of the directions are right.

i’m angry and resentful and hurt and heartbroken and hopeful and logical and tired and disappointed. not many of those are positive, i realize that. i’m trying like fuck to find some silver lining- i really am.

it hasn’t been a bad trip. lets say that up front. nothing terrible happened. flights all went smoothly over here- flight transitions were met, no sick problems, the phone change went smoothly, the flights were tolerable (but LONG). i’m hoping tomorrow headed home goes as well. it should be a little easier to sleep with the schedule and all- flying over i was running on my regular day hours and it was hard to sleep on an overnight flight that was only 5ihs in the afternoon my time. i landed, made it through customs, got the stamp in my passport, everything went smoothly.

when i made it out of the customs area, there he was waiting for me, my new york. leaning against the rails, big smile, big hug. we loaded the bags in the car and headed out of the airport. i don’t know quite what i was expecting- breakfast, a little sight seeing, a few *cough*detours*cough* on the way home- but we drove straight through to rougham- bits of scenery along the way, and we arrived at his house- an adorable townhouse. wish i had paid a bit more attention on the way here- i didn’t realize that would be the only scenery i’d see.

we did talk about sight seeing on the way up. i knew ahead of time that most of the places were a few hours drive both direction. there wasn’t anything i was really wanting to see, the weather wasn’t scheduled to be the best, the only thing i really wanted to do was get a tattoo while over here. we decided against shakespeare’s house- too far away, bad weather, not much to see. same for alice in wonderland and the castles and all that. i was just excited to be in england. be here with him. thought i’d get enough absorption through a local cafe, the pub he always talks about, maybe a dinner out, a bit of his little town.

i’ve been here since 8am (local time) on thursday and haven’t seen a damn thing. no pub, no cafe, no walk about, nothing. that was the first disappointment. i don’t really feel i’ve been anywhere. i’ve been in his house. i’ve seen his couch. it’s like i went over to a friends house down the street. nothing remarkable.

second disappointment: he injured his back a few weeks ago at work and has been in so much pain the whole time that NOTHING was possible. yes, NOTHING. he tried ibuprofen (even my rx ones from the recent ER trip), he tried icy hot, showers, stretching, nothing worked. he had HOPED it would go away by the time i got here but didn’t bother to see a doctor before hand or anything. normally this wouldn’t be so frustrating. people get hurt. it sucks. the bitch of it is i worked really damn hard to get here. i spent 7 fucking hours in an er (without insurance) to make sure i could be here in good(ish) condition. i spent a lot of time and money getting ready- all for nothing. all the lingerie i bought didn’t even come out of the suitcase. brazil? total waste. hair, nails, make up- pointless. YES, i realize how shallow it all sounds, but i was so excited to come. i wanted to look my best after 8 years. i worked really damn hard to be here. for him to be in pain the whole time because he doesn’t like doctors. it just...it hurt.

it’s not even the sex. it’s that he was in so much pain all he wanted to do was sit in his desk chair playing WOW because it was the only position he was comfortable in. there was no sight seeing, no going out. when he wasn’t at the computer, he was sleeping. he hasn’t been sleeping well recently although you’d never know it- 12 hours one night, 9 the next. then all day at the computer while i was on the couch next to him watching whatever was on tv. i bought a plane ticket, flew across an ocean, spent how many hours getting ready just to sit on a couch watching him play WOW for 4 days straight? granted, he’s not a traditional player (i think). he was able to hold kind of conversations while he played, and he would break every few hours to stretch or let the dog out. he would lean over for kisses while he played...

i feel like a fucking idiot. i flew half way across the country to watch him play computer for 4 days.

and there’s more.

we went to the grocery store one night since he had NO food in the house and we were both running on night owl hours so all restaurants and whatnot were closed most of our waking hours (most, not all but...yeah.). i couldn’t touch him while we were in the grocery store. small town. his mother in law, brother/sister in law, ex wife, friends, whatnot are all about. no telling who would see. and since no one really knows still that they’re divorcing it could cause problems.

oh yeah- by the way. they still haven’t told people they’re divorcing. did i forget to mention that? the divorce isn’t started. they still haven’t told people. she’s living with her mum , they’re separated, but that isn’t divorced. it isn’t even started being divorced. remember that idiot feeling? multiply it by a million. and my brain starts to go to that horrible dark place and i wonder if we haven’t gone to the pub because his back hurts or because he’s afraid of people seeing me. is that why we couldn’t go to coffee at 10am on sunday, a few of the daylight hours were were awake? because people in town might see? is that why he closed the living room door when the neighbors stopped by? not because the dog was barking but because he didn’t want them to see someone was here since they don’t know he and the wife have split? my mind is an evil, dark, mean place. it doesn’t help that i’ve been that girl before. i know what the signs are. i’ve been the one that wasn’t ok to be seen in public with. ive been the one that they didn’t want anyone to know about. this weekend felt all too familiar. and not in the good ways.

BUT.

i’m a stupid girl, there’s always a but. always a desperate claw at some salvation.

BUT, the whole time he’s said he’s so glad i’m here. he’s so excited to have me next to him. he’s so mad that his back is injured. he’s calling the doctor first thing on monday to get an appointment. he really hopes he gets re-stationed locally. he can’t wait to come see me this spring.

is it just bad timing? am i here too early? should i have waited a few months? should i have waited for things on his end to be “official”?

and i KNOW. i tried so fucking hard not to come over here with any expectations. i really, REALLY did. but i couldn’t help it. he wanted me to come. he asked me to come. he said he should have married me when he had the chance. he couldn’t wait for me to get here. and i knew better than to get my hopes up. i knew better than to expect the fairy tale ending no matter how desperately i wanted it. and i did. i wanted it so badly. i did have expectations coming here. i tried so hard not to, but i did. i wanted it to be this amazing trip. i wanted it to be england. i wanted it to be him. i wanted it so badly.

and here i am, my last few hours writing this while he’s at work. i’m waiting for him to get back and take me to the airport. it’s all done. it’s all gone. there no time left for any of it.

i came to england. i sat on a couch watching tv for four days. and now i’m coming home.

i still want to hope. i still think that maybe when it’s official and finalized on his end he’ll come see me in the spring and everything will be good then. maybe he’ll get stationed near me and it will work out then. maybe he really was just hurting so bad that’s why we didn’t go anywhere- nothing more, nothing less. maybe the base doctors really are that bad that going to them wouldn’t have made this weekend any better.

at least, at the end of the day i can say i did it- right? i can say that i went after the man i love (heaven help me, i do. so much it’s tearing me apart right now). i can say remember that time i flew to england? remember all the amazing things that happened to make the trip possible? even if the trip wasn’t that amazing, it’s still fucking amazing that i did it. i flew half way around the world. i got over being scared to say i wanted someone and came here (well, i haven’t said it to him, but that’s a different set of issues).

i’ve been on an adventure. not all adventures turn out perfectly. but the fact is, i still came here. i haven’t seen anything. i haven’t conquered anything- can’t quite get that tee shirt yet.

i’m still sorting. i have way too many hours flying to sort through things. maybe i’ll grow a pair and talk to him about how this all went for me on the way back to the airport. maybe i’ll lay it all on the line, even if it is too sappy, and tell him how i feel. maybe after some sleep and some real food i’ll have a different perspective. maybe...

this wasn’t the trip that i hoped for, even though i knew hoping was a bad thing and tried to prepare myself.

but, i keep reminding myself, it was a trip. it was going somewhere. taking a chance. so there’s that. i’m sure there will be more on this. i hope next time there’s a bit more positive. but there you have it. that’s how london’s been. forgive me please if i’m not ready to gush about it when i get back on my home turf. hopefully i’ll have a bit of time in the air port to at least snag a few touristy thing to at least show i’ve been here.