#londoncalling

holy. fuckballs.

it's been a week.

ONE. WEEK.

i'm going to london.

no. really. I'M GOING TO LONDON.

passport is filed, plane ticket is purchased, spawn arrangements are made.

I'M GOING TO LONDON.

i can't even begin to imagine how this has all happened in a week other than (forgive the cheese) it's meant to happen.

the universe is cooperating in this crazy amazing way and yes, there have been bumps. yes, there have been  melt downs (a few). yes, there have been issues. but it's booked. it's on.

I'M GOING TO LONDON.

if you haven't heard, there's this little trip i'm planning...

ok. so technically i'm only flying in to london. from there i'll be headed north to Bury St. Edmunds (google the shit out of it, it's really pretty). I'll be headed to USAF base territory- a bit of a travel. but still. and i'm looking at the map and seeing Canterbury, Oxford, Cambridge- my little nerd brain is freaking out. OHMYGOD- I'VE READ ABOUT THOSE PLACES. and now i'll be near them. i doubt we'll be doing much sigh seeing...i mean...let's just be honest here. BUT i'll be there. near there.

and all this happened in ONE WEEK.

i still don't know how.

here's the run down- leaving plenty of room for good karma and the universe to take full credit.

SCRATCH THAT.

i've been staring at this screen for a good 48 hours now and still haven't finished this blog.

yes. i'm going to london. passport worked out amazingly smooth, plane ticket was nothing short of a miracle- and it is booked and paid for. there's not much else to do but wait and hope to hell the passport comes in on time and my brain doesn't get the best of me.

speaking of my brain...

i think the reason i'm having such a hard time writing this blog is because i don't know what to say.

i WANT to believe it's all working out. i want to believe the universe is on my side on this one. i want to believe that it's finally my turn for something good. i want to believe that i can't screw this one up because it's meant to be. i want to believe in my own fairy tale ending.

i'm terrified as fuck though.

it's been eight years. what if i get there and i'm not the girl he remembers? what if i get there and realize i (yes, i'm using this word) love him so much and he doesn't return the feelings? what happens if...i'm driving myself insane with these questions. people say i deserve this happiness. that i deserve finally finding my match. that i deserve to go there and find out. but FUCK. why is negative so much easier to believe?

it this really possible? am i an idiot for believing in this?

and i'm' trying like hell not to sabotage things. and i'm trying like hell not to let my brain get the best of me. you can see how well that's working.

and it's little things that drive me crazy the fastest- like not hearing from him all weekend. i start to panic- is he pulling back? is he not interested? was it a fleeting moment and i misread it? i'm a few states and an ocean away- how much can you really tell from a few text messages and skype? and i get my self all worked up then i find out that he hurt himself walking the dog over the weekend and spend his two days off on pain meds and sleeping. there's a whole big world of things happening out there outside of me. and he's back at work and switching shifts and still sorting through i'm sure a ton of stuff from all the shit he's been going through.

so i need to just shut the fuck up, turn that shitty negative part of my brain off and just ENJOY this. he DOES want me to come see him. he DOES like me. he DOES contact me when he has a chance. i need to quit trying so hard to pick at the seams because i can destroy it and i really REALLY don't want to.

i don't know what will happen when my plane touches down in london. i don't know what will happen over four days with him in bury st edmunds. i don't know, and i WON'T know until it happens and so i need to quit borrowing trouble from tomorrow and just enjoy today. i need to enjoy that he came looking for me. which i still have a hard time believing even though it happened. i need to enjoy that eight years later he wants me to come see him and is excited about it. i need to enjoy that i have a chance at this. i need to enjoy and believe GOOD things can happen. fuck it's hard. it's so easy to believe the negative, i really need to work on honestly believing the positive. it's right here in front of me.

good things can happen to me.

this week showed me a LOT of good things can happen. and did happen.

i'm going to london because he wants me there.

that's all i need to know.

i'm going to london.