end of the rope

i HATE nights like tonight. all the big spawn wants to do is argue. i ask him 20 times (not exaggerating) to stop arguing and go to his room and all he does is keep yelling at me. the whole issue tonight was him being mean to his brother.

the little spawn is prone to pretty severe headaches that often make him sick to his stomach. tonight at dinner he wasn't feeling well because of a headache. big spawn called him a sissy and told him to shut up and eat his dinner.

i almost exploded.

the big spawn has been progressively meaner and more vicious as of late. the comments are quieter so i cant hear them. the hitting is when i'm not looking or when i'm not home. it's BAD.

tonight the little spawn went to bed early and didn't even eat his dinner. at a loss of what else to do, i asked the big spawn to spend the night researching autism/aspergers and suicide rates. studies show that kiddos with aspergers are extremely more prone to depression and suicide. bullying at school, bullying at home- the little spawn is getting it from all sides.

instead of actually researching and learning anything, the big spawn took this as an opportunity to try to tell me what an idiot i am. he read 10 google articles, took an online test, pulled up some "facts" from a netflix documentary he watched and informed me that the small spawn doesn't even have aspergers.

well. glad to know that he's better at diagnosis than the speech, behavior and clinical therapists the small spawn has worked with. glad he's better at figuring these things out than doctors or teachers or even me.

i'm glad he's spent years breaking patterns, getting therapy, going to doctors appointments, sitting through blood tests, working endlessly to make sure it doesn't seem like the small spawn has anything at all different.

and he sits here and argues and argues and argues with me about how wrong i am and how it doesn't even matter anyway. who cares if he insults his brother? who cares if he makes fun of him? it doesn't matter..

UMM...I DO. I CARE. and his little brother cares. he hears every word from the big brother he looks up to. he hears and remembers every. single. insult.

and it just. doesn't. stop.

i ask him to stop talking. and he keeps yelling at me. i ask him to go to his room. and he keeps yelling at me. he finally stomps up the stairs while still yelling at me and i ask him to come back down and walk up the stairs the right way and the whole time he is STILL yelling at me. and i ask him over and over to PLEASE. STOP. TALKING.

and he just. doesn't. stop.

he finally goes to his room for a few minutes then comes back down and starts all over again. why am i so mad at him? it's stupid. i'm stupid. he's just trying to have an intelligent conversation and bring another view to the table.

NO. you're being insulting and mean and i don't need to listen to it. it is NOT an intelligent conversation. as soon as you say "maybe he's just a retard like 90% of america" it has STOPPED being ANY kind of conversation i will allow in my house.

and i ask him again to PLEASE. STOP. TALKING. and he just keep on and keeps on and starts cursing at me.

and i ask him again to go to his room and instead he stomps out the back door.

now i know: pick your battles. going outside to get some air may not seem like the worst thing, but he may not blatantly disrespect and disobey me like that. especially in the middle of something where he's already disrespecting me and talking over and insulting me.

and it just escalates and escalates.

and soon he's flinging his arms at me "not hitting" me. and so i restrain him in a half nelson, still asking him to stop talking. then he elbows me in the face with his free arm. and it just gets worse. and i'm trying like FUCK to control my temper. i had to pin him down to the kitchen floor while he's kicking the appliances and trying to elbow me still. he's 14. my height. and he's trying like hell to fight me. and i hold him in a half cradle and tell him as soon as he's quiet he can get up. and he STILL. KEEPS. YELLING. AT. ME.

i don't know what to do.

i'm at the end of my rope.

what do you do with a kid who doesn't care at all about other people? he makes fun of kids at school that have lost siblings to suicide. he tears apart his little brother for simple things- spelling a word wrong or having a hard time reading. he is brutal to anyone he thinks is stupid (90% of people). he has zero empathy. my own son gay bashes in my house. he makes fun of everything from AIDS to depression.

and I KNOW. therapy. TRUST ME, I'VE TRIED. but all he hears from the other side of the fence is "we don't need therapy. we take care of our problems ourselves."

I CAN'T DO IT. i'm not equipped or trained or educated on how to deal with this. and i sure as fuck can't keep going the way it is. i refuse to be disrespected in my own home. i refuse to be called an idiot. it tears me to shreds every time i get into any kind of physical interaction with my own child. i feel sick to my stomach and it takes days to pull myself back together again. i can't keep living like this. i don't know what else to do with him. it's like a terrible cycle of abuse- he's fine for a few days then BAM it all starts again. FROM A TEENAGER. it is NOT ok. he CAN NOT treat people like this.

and i'm sure it's hurt and anger and everything else from what he's been through that's just bottled up inside and he doesn't know how to deal with it either. but it's poison. and it's killing us all. and i don't know where to go or what to do. and i'm terrified.

**additional thoughts a few hours later**

I get it. life as a teenager is hard. he's trying to do the girlfriend thing, he's trying to be the cool guy at school. it's all ego and appearance right now. he has to be the big dog on top.

and I get that he's probably sorting through a lot of strange stuff today that he doesn't know how to verbalized. hell, he just spent the weekend with his dads deceased wife's family up in the middle of no where basically by himself. his dad couldn't make it over the pass and the spawn only kinda knows these people- that had to have been a fuck hard and strange weekend. not to mention they are not at ALL like we are- they're very quiet, reserved people. a whole weekend of that on his own. I mean- I get why he was picking a fight today. but that doesn't make it right. he needs to learn to talk to me instead of being arrogant and putting on this show. he can't keep hiding behind this asshole attitude. if he's having a shitty day JUST SAY SO. hell, that's something I'm still learning though, so I guess I can't expect him to master it at 14. but holy hell. we have to work something out.