New York: the fairy tale isn't over

if you don't know about New York then this won't make any sense at all. maybe it still will. nothing makes much sense right now.

all i know is i'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face trying like FUCK to make any sense of this world.

and for once it's not in a bad way. it's in this crazy, completely unbelievable amazing way. half of me is terrified to write it because it just sounds too ridiculous, too good to be true. half of me wants to remember this forever no matter what else happens. half of me still can't believe there's more to add to the memory.

new york. my almost fairy tale.

turns out, the story isn't quite over.

out of the blue yesterday i had a facebook message pop up on my phone. the fact that it even came through is a slight miracle in itself- i was up in BFE farmland with a friend from out of town, in the rain, traipsing through a corn maze and buying pumpkin donuts.

"Hey sherry, how is every thing going? Things are going shitty for me what is your phone number? Mine is (if you think i'm letting y'all poach him youre crazy) I just need somebody to talk to."

i messaged back as soon as i could-dirty details aside: LIFE SUCKS SOMETIMES. shit hitting fan, been there, not a good place to be.

not only was it a friend in need, it was new york. my new york. the one i think about all the time. my almost ever after. he needed a friend to talk to and reached out to me. after all these years, after not seeing him in way too long to know, that connection is still there on his side too.

so he calls me, from England. and we talk. and it's like there hasn't been any time away. it's like i just talked to him yesterday. and we're talking and holy fuck it hits me like a freight train- all these emotions. how much i really have missed him and my heartache for him right now. i would give ANYTHING to be able to hug him in person.

and he wants to know why i'm not snagged up yet. i didn't even think about it. no edit button, no thought, it just blurted out:

"because i'm waiting for you. i've got the house, the kids, the dog. i'm just waiting for you. it's always been you."

if you know me, you know i'm not a particularly emotional person when it comes to guys. i've broken up with them for saying much less to me. and here i am blurting this out. laying it all on the line. to someone i haven't even talked to since january. and almost a full year before that. holy shit, where did that come from.

new york: "i should have married you years ago."

HOLY.

SHIT.

he said it to me back then. we actually fought about it back then. he told me he loved me, i told him to shut up. he said he wanted to marry me, he just had a few things to do first.

well. here we are, 8 years later, and we've both gotten our things to do out of the way.

and here we are, those emotions, still there.

we joked about me going to visit him in England. there's no way i can just GO to England. but how fitting would it be? i picked him up at the airport years ago. now it would be his turn to pick me up. any way he could get me a military flight? he could if i was his spouse. huh- i'm not opposed to that. neither is he.

and then the bastard drops this on me:

"you know, if you come visit me i could take you to Shakespeare's house."

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? does this boy know exactly how to seduce me or what?

and we talk about back then and we talk about now. and it's just there. that same connection.

he's the one that got away. he's always been in the back of my mind. just this week i drove out near the base twice. a section of town i NEVER go to. and it made me think of him. i drove past the dominos where we got pizza 8 years ago. my oldest son still remembers him coming up to visit us. he couldn't have been more than 6 at the time. and then my new york calls me.

we skyped, weve been texting. it's like going back in time 8 years in the best way possible.

i called in back up last night to talk to someone about this and i was in tears, shaking, SO MUCH EMOTION.

and last night talking with that friend i brought up going to England. was i crazy to even remotely think about it?

she posed one question to me: in 30 years, would i regret not going?

YES. period. end of sentence. YES i would regret not going. yes, i would regret not knowing if i could have my happy ever after. yes, i would regret not finding if it the one that got away could come back. yes, i would regret not taking the chance. yes, i would regret it and always wonder what if. 

YES. I WANT TO GO TO LONDON.



and so the planning begins. he can take time off. i can figure out a way to get there. we can find out what's there. or not there. or whatever. i'm applying for a passport ASAP (mine expired a few years ago). i'm looking up plane tickets. i'm scheduling things with friends.

if karma holds out just a little longer, i'll be in london november 21.

holy fuck.

am i really planning this?

it's taken about 12 hours to write this. every time i re-read it i cry. so many damn emotions. after eight damn years. how can i not be planning this? i'm going to fucking london. i'm going after my almost ever after. it's fucking crazy. i don't even know. but i'm doing it.