i’m a fucking idiot. but not for the reasons i last wrote about. maybe
it’s being back on my home turf, maybe it’s the real food talking, or a
nice hot shower after 26 hours of traveling.
it’s
probably from talking to great friends and getting some feedback other
than my own voices in my head bickering back and forth. SCREW THEM. I’M
TAKING ALL THE CREDIT.
AND THE BLAME.
i’m a fucking twatwaffle.
jesus holy hell did i fuck the last post up.
let’s all just take a minute to enjoy this moment of clarity that comes after removing my head from my own ass, shall we?
let’s play a little game called: “BACK THE FUCK UP BITCH.”
remember
that first day when new york called me? those few, brief moments
between what he actually called me for and the fucking circus that i
turned it into?
LET’S EXPLORE THAT. SHALL WE?
i’m a fucking idiot. _ME_ of all people should have caught on a little sooner. fuck.
let’s
go back to the very first conversation: "hey, how is everything going? things are going shitty for me. just need somebody to talk to."
marriage: over, father
passed away, 7 month deployment, needed a friend to talk to.
oh jesus did i fuck this up.
how did i take all that and twist it into this fucking all about me story?
an old friend reached out in the middle of a horrible, HORRIBLE shit storm and i just added more shit to it.
fuck. me. running.
i’ve
been there. did the marriage going to shit. done the father passing
away. never had to deal with the whole being at war for 7 months thing-
can’t even begin to imagine.
and
i somehow twisted all that into a poor me, i spent money on lingerie
that went unused pity party? holy fuck. how did i fuck that one up?
i
have a friend going through the worst shit life can
throw at a person and i want to be pissy about not going to a cafe for
tea and mother fucking crumpets?
i can’t even begin to tell you how sick to my stomach i feel right now. i fucked this up royally.
add in that he's in a crazy amount of pain that even prescription medications won't take an edge off? or that the one time he did get his back to pop and it made him pass out and fall sleep for the next 10 hours...
funny thing? i just wrote a fucking magazine article about being there for soldiers that come home from war.
awesome.
i’m a fucking idiot.
worst
part? hindsight is a fucking bitch. he’s been trying to tell me- talked
about trying to find friends. talked about how
he spent seven months sending planes off to do bomb runs- feeling that
in a way he’s responsible for the deaths of hundreds, thousands of
people. talking about how strange things were going to texas for his
fathers services and having to deal with his step mom.
and i got mad over what?
he wanted a friend. i’ve been his friend for eight years.
THAT IS ALL THIS TRIP SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABOUT.
_I_
alone added all the other crap to it. _I_ alone fucked it all up by
trying to make it something he’s not ready to deal with in any way,
shape or form. _I_ fucked up royal.
SO.
i’m
going to bed. i’m going to sleep. i’m going to try to figure out how to
repair this fuck up and be the friend that he’s been asking for from
the very beginning.
the
rest may or may not come in time. THAT DOESN’T MATTER RIGHT NOW. what
matters right now is that i have a friend in need. he came to me for
support and i need to give that to him without all my baggage and crap
attached.
honestly-
switch shoes for a minute: if he had come to see me after my dad passed
away and dropped on me what i just did to him- how would that have
gone? and that was *JUST* a death. not the death after a deployment in
the middle of a marriage issue.
perspective
is a powerful thing- the picture can take on a whole different meaning
when you take the time to look at it just a little different.
SO.
i’ll say it again. dont get used to it- last time it will ever happen: I
FUCKED UP. i made this my own twisted fairlytale bullshit. and i’m
going to try like fuck to fix it.
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Again, I don't know the entire situation, but I would at least think there would have been 2 sides to the sex/relationship part of things. I don't think that you could have just misread stuff like that. Nevertheless, I think that there is responsibility to be taken on both of your parts, and if he really is a true friend, you've still got one and nothing is ruined. I hope you the best.
ReplyDeleteYou obviously have a lot of class to be able to be upset about something and then step back and look at the entire picture. I do still think that he should have stepped up to the plate. Like having food in the refrigerator, doing SOMETHING. ANYTHING. Sitting around in your house feeling sorry for yourself and immersing yourself in video games can't be helpful. Granted, I understand he was injured, he SHOULD have went to the doctor.
Again, responsibility on both parts, NOT just YOURS. He is the one who "let" you come there just as much as you wanted to.
You also didn't just drop in on someone. He doesn't live next door or in the next state. It was planned and he accepted. I'm sure that after your father passed away and someone made the offer to come over from like 5,000 billion miles away, you would have probably declined.
*this too shall pass*
thank you for the comment. i've been going back and forth the last few days between anger and understanding- at this point i'm just trying to distract myself from thinking about it any more. you can probably guess how well that's working.
ReplyDeletethere is a LOT on both sides. six one way, half dozen the other- end of the day it was NOT a good trip. hard part is that i haven't heard from him since i landed and sent him a text to let him know i was home. little bit of salt in the wound. so. just trying to find the lesson in it. end of the day: i traveled internationally by myself, i went after what i wanted, i took the opportunity to speak my mind/emotions, i saw how awesome the universe can be when it wants to (to get me there), i saw how even though something works out splendidly, it may not still be the best thing, AND, since i've been home and posted these, i've found out people (even complete strangers) are supportive and it's not all in my head which is a really nice feeling. trying like fuck to make some lemonade here...although it would be MUCH BETTER with a little sweet tea vodka in it to ease the pain.
thanks again for finding my little corner, reading it, and taking the time to comment. i truly appreciate the feedback!