you can't call me: late for dinner

recently i asked my friends to use three words to describe me. among the amazing responses were the following:

outgoing, open minded, funny, strong, open to new experiences, the person you want in your corner, well educated, hilarious, one in a million, brilliantly sarcastic, excellent mother, strong woman, witty, creator of fantastically caustic remarks, awesome, reliable/dependable, trustworthy, witty, funny, creative, up for anything, and, most awesomely: bacon, lettuce, tomato.

how YOU doin?

first off: totally humbled by the things people posted. i have some amazing friends and i could say the same things about all of them.

second: let me point out a few things that WEREN'T used to describe me:

tattooed, pierced, punk

what makes me bring up those three things specifically?

well, during the recent boyfriend experiment those were exactly the three things that were used to describe me. to an ex. during a conversation to allow a child stay at my house.

i'll let you guess how that ended up.

to say that it bothered me would be putting it lightly. obviously. it made it to the blog-o-sphere.

do i have tattoos? yeah. do i have piercings? ears and my nose. nothing more. am i a punk? fuck no. not in any way.

i think what bothered me most is it made me feel like a freak. like a show and tell piece. like someTHING instead of someONE.

of all the ways to describe me or introduce me to someone or talk about me- it wasn't about ME. it wasn't about WHO i am.

i've never been ashamed of my tattoos before. I LOVE THEM. i love my little piece of purple hair. it's my little way of not being boring. of not giving up and just being another bland carpool mom. it lets me still be ME in the middle of all the things i'm "supposed" to be. as to my piercings- i had my ears pierced when i was FIVE. and my nose- so what? it's nothing. it's a tiny little jewel that most people don't even notice. i dont have my face pierced up, i don't have dermal anchors or corset piercings or dermal implants or body modifications and SO WHAT if i did? if i chose to do all those things and join a traveling side show and have that as my barker name, THEN you could describe me that way. until then, whose business is it?

for the first time i was ashamed. i questioned my decisions. i felt bad about being different or outside the traditional cookie cutter. i was made to feel like it made me a bad person or a bad mom. there was more to it. there always is. but I HATE THAT. i hate that because one person decided to twist a few things about me it made me pause. i actually took time to think about changing my hair or taking out my nose ring so i would "fit in better" (what does that even mean? fit into what?) i wondered how many people judge me by what they see and how offensive i am and all the CRAP that goes with it.

then i stopped. and i realized: people that judge me that way aren't people i particularly want around anyway. so. there's that.

but i will say: i understand that not everyone appreciates ways i've chosen to express myself. i get it. tattoos aren't for everyone. quite a few people don't understand purple hair. I GET IT. i don't shove it in people's faces. if i'm meeting someone new i tame down and wear long sleeves and make sure my hair is covered. i don't want people to be uncomfortable. most of all: i don't want people to judge me. i probably worry about that more than i should. i just want to be here. i just want to meet people and have them get to know me and know the things my friends know. i don't want to be someTHING. i want to be someONE.

and to the people that matter, i am.