socially awkward

so. i'm old. and it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks. well, some tricks. "those" tricks i pick up pretty easily. social situations- not so much. awkward yet? it gets better.

i've never been a social butterfly. i've never been one that seeks out the center of attention. i'm at my best in a one on one or small group setting. i'm NOT a good dancer. i do NOT take good pictures (EVER). i'm not the girl that can walk into any room and have them all eating out of my hand in minutes. i'm just not. never have been, not on my list of things to be when i grow up.

i have a knack for putting my foot in my mouth. fuck it. BOTH of my feet permanently reside in my mouth. i have a nasty habit of cursing WORSE than a sailor on leave. my sense of humor is an acquired taste and even then can cross the line faster than an ethopian in a marathon race. see what i did there.

 i love my wednesday nights out. i love any night out. i love being away. conversations that don't include nerf or zelda or who pushed whom down the stairs. i love the band that plays. they're good friends of mine and incredibly talented. i do NOT love how old it makes me feel. most of the kids are college age- as in barely 21, forget they can use their REAL id now, talking about finals and class schedules college kids. i'm talking about my teenager and trying desperately to remember what it was like in college. TEN YEARS AGO. jesus mother fuck. TEN YEARS. i've been out of college ten years.

i watch these kids guzzle $5 long islands and $2 pbr's while i sip at my jack and coke or glass of wine. i listen to them talk about how trashed they got and how they can't remember full days while i make sure i'm drinking water to prevent the slightest hint of a hangover after my two drinks (maximum).

and, because i'm so damn old, i lost my train of thought. OFF MY LAWN.

there. now, i do know this isn't what i started out to write. i got distracted. it happens to old people.

what i started out to write is about how i often find myself feeling more than slightly awkward. and i have this uncanny ability to make people i interact with feel the same way. or at least it seems like that. awkward pauses, uncomfortable silences, the whole gambit.

*change perspective*

so. i started writing this quite a while back. since then i've discovered that i'm not as socially awkward as i thought. a friend invited me to dinner while he was in town with two complete strangers. dinner was excellent, there was great conversation, and i guess at the end of the night the other couple actually enjoyed my company. i have since talked to other people that enjoy being around me IN PUBLIC as strange as that may seem.

life is about learning and changing and growing and figuring out how to accept yourself as you are. i am not a social butterfly.  i am NOT good in large groups. i KICK ASS in small groups though. give me one or two people to talk to and i can hold my own like a fucking pro. that is my strength. i'm learned enough random facts over the years to bullshit just about any topic, i can read people pretty well and actually use my edit button (yes, i do have one that i can dust off on occasion) when needed. i won't be the one getting drunk to deal with the situation, i won't be the one in the corner giving everyone the evil eye either.  and you know what? the world needs people like that. it needs large group entertainers and small group entertainers. it need big bold people and maybe not quieter but bold in a different way people.

i'm still awkward in most social situations. i'm still the quiet person at the bar. i'll be the one sitting at the bar alone sipping my drink, enjoying the music, and OCCASIONALLY talking to the person sitting next to me. i don't fit in a big parties, but small dinner parties are fracking awesome. i don't like going to huge concerts, but if there's a group in a small venue count me in! i'll brave an arena full of people for a hockey game and maybe chat with the person in line getting a pretzel (but probably not) but would prefer a night at home with a glass of wine and a good friend.

and you know what? THAT'S OK.