last week i was going to write a blog. not a very nice blog. i was going to write a pretty damn mean blog. to myself. about everything. my body. my life. depression. i was trying like hell not to be hard on myself, but my brain had other ideas. every time i looked in a mirror i would hear these evil little voices in my head. every time i looked at pictures from vegas i couldn't help but compare. i would tell myself: you know, they SAY you got looks in vegas, but it was only people wondering what the hell the three hot chicks were doing with the beached whale. or: sure they guys at clubs said four hot women- but it's only because they're smart enough to know that if they want to hit on ONE they have to compliment all FOUR. guys are at least smart enough to know that. i kept remembering that i used to say in high school: if my belly ever stick out further than my boobs, just shoot me. well, guess what captain ahab: pull out the harpoon...it's getting close.
BUT.
then i looked in the mirror this week and saw something different. and i heard a different voice.
this week when i've looked in the mirror i've seen a beautiful woman. a lady who has been working hard to take care of herself and take pride in herself. a woman who had leaned to dress for her body, apply her makeup tastefully, style her hair with pride but not vanity. i've seen a beautiful creature looking back at me and i heard a voice in my head: that's you little girl, and you're beautiful. and i can't explain it. it's not something i ever remember hearing my dad say to me, but i'm damn sure it's him saying it to me now: THAT'S YOU LITTLE GIRL, AND YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
i've changed over the last few weeks- well, except last week that is. i've morphed in a way. i've started to see someone else in the mirror. i mentioned it a few times to my gals in vegas- i see this beautiful creature looking back at me and it's shocking to realize THAT'S ME. i can't explain it. nothing big has changed- i darkened my hair a bit again which is not new. it's the same make up. it's the same hair style. but when i look i see a whole new person. and it's taking me a while to get used to her. she's confident. she's well put together in age appropriate and body appropriate clothes. she's beautiful. and it's me.
i'm sure i sound like i'm a bit off my rocker right now. and i can't really explain it any better. but something has changed AND I LIKE IT.
i'm sure i'll still have off days. i'm sure this won't last forever. but for now- this is a really fucking good feeling. it's kinda nice to REALLY like me.
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You will have off days, days where you doubt every nice thing ever said to you, days where you just don't see it... but the good news is, once you've experienced actually REALLY liking yourself, you never quite forget how it made you feel and thus never fully return to NOT liking yourself. It gets easier to tell the voices to shut up eventually. The inner voices, not OUR voices telling you guys WERE looking at you because we do not lie, damn it!
ReplyDeleteYou don't sound off your rocker to me but that may be because I've been where you were and where you are now and I know just how strange and wonderful it is. :)