it's on- universe willing

so. there’s still a few details to work out (health insurance first and foremost), but the decision has been made: i’m taking a year off work.

so.

big changes. i talked to my boss about taking a leave of absence (not possible) or switching to part time (not practical for the department) so, that just leaves taking the leap. i’m scared as fuck, but i’m also 100% confident that this is the right thing for me to do right now. it’s my turn to figure out what i want to be when i grow up.

i’ve been running through this in my head since last week and i spent quite a bit of time thinking about it this weekend. even with all the risk involved- bad economy, bad job market, going crazy with boredom, medical insurance, EVERYTHING, even with all that, i know this is the right thing. the positives and the opportunities WAY outweigh all the other things.

one thing that it did make me question though is this: do you think people can change their opinion after they die? and i know that sounds strange: no. they’re dead. they no longer have an opinion. BUT, follow me here: if they could come back for a day and talk to you- do you think it would be the same now as then? what the fuck am i talking about? this: i hear two voices in my head: i hear my dad BEFORE the fire, and my dad AFTER the fire. i hear the before saying: why would you even consider leaving a stable job where you have 10 years seniority, insurance, retirement, comfort? you have kids! you have responsibility! invest now for your retirement and make plans then!

then i hear my dad AFTER the fire: i worked my whole life planning for retirement and a fuck load of good that did me. (ok, i never EVER heard my dad drop the f-bomb, but you get the idea). enjoy life NOW. make the change while you can. do what you need to do for you and the boys. be happy. i always wanted to provide for you and make you happy, this is my backwards way of doing that. go explore, take a chance, go back to school (he always wanted me to go back), try something new.

does any of that make sense? i don’t know if it’s possible, or if it’s me trying to make sense of things in my head and trying to give myself permission, but really do think his perspective on it NOW would be very different than before. and granted, i would have never thought of this before. i would have never had the financial cushion to be able to do this. i would have never had the reason to do something like this. but now, fuck, EVERYTHING is different. so why wouldn’t his opinion be as well?

i just keep coming back to one basic thought: tomorrow is never a for sure. procrastination is arrogance. procrastinating is laughing in the face of the universe saying you know better and you know that there WILL be a tomorrow to do things. i’ve learned that NOTHING is a for sure. tomorrow is not promised to us. assuming so is truly the best was to make an ASS of U.

and in the face of all the questions and concerns about getting a job when i decide to go back to the real world- this is going to sound unbelievably corny, especially coming from me, but if and when it’s meant to happen, IT WILL. when the right thing comes along, i will be ready for it and things will work out the way they’re supposed to. i HAVE to believe that. fuck- i have that tattooed on my skin. what’s the point of having the tattoo if i don’t really believe it? it made me laugh at myself thinking about it. do i really believe in my own tattoo? or did i just get it for looks? it’s easy to SAY i believe it, am i willing to put my future where my ideals are? here’s to finding out!

so. the trigger hasn’t officially been pulled yet. but it’s going to happen. i’ll give enough notice to find someone and do some training. AND i promised to do the taxes for the year- i won’t dump that off on a new person the way it was dumped on me. but it’s happening. the new year will start off a WHOLE NEW YEAR for me, karma willing. i know…speaking of arrogance…looking forward 7 weeks already after i just said that tomorrow is never for sure. but in fairness, i can’t just jump ship. so. here’s my request to the universe: please don’t change things too much in the next seven weeks. please allow me this opportunity because i would love to take it and make the most of it.