ok kids. this is an URGENT s.o.s. for help and a preemptive date blog all in one:

there’s another fish. heaven bless the full moon and all the crap it’s bringing out…my blog is LOVING it.

so- fish:

WAIT: back up…there’s one other fish in there- cue “biggest contradictory asshole in the pond”

and we’ll back up and tell the story now:

email from fish: “hello. you have really sexy eyes. and a nice top. i would like to see more.”

um. nice. haven’t we been through this before? i selected the most docile, plain, NON-SEXY pictures of myself i could find. one in sunglasses, one at work, and one at a friend’s birthday party. NOTHING DIRTY. no centerfold material, no questionable strapless tops (ok…the dress is strapless, but it’s a ¾ body picture…from far away…).

*sigh*

so i look at the fish’s profile out of sheer curiosity- “i’m the most respectful, nice guy. i would never do anything evil or degrading or mean to people”

so. being me. i email the fish back: “well, aren’t you the biggest contradictory fish in the pond. (played back his own words for him). piss off.”

fish: “you’re a bitck. that’s Russian for…well, you can guess.” (**editor's note: this is the first time i've been cursed out in russian...YAY me...i think...)

me: that's russian for YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE? i couldn't agree more. don't you hate it when someone calls you on your bullshit? perhaps you should remove your head from you ass before you email people.

so. there’s another fish out of the pond. cracks me up. so much for the nicest guy…ha ha ha ha ha…all the bullshit they put on their profiles because women are obviously stupid and we’ll never see through that…ever…at all. fucking idiot.

SO.

back to the s.o.s.:

fish: 40ish, landscaper, virgo, not my type, but not terrible.

initial emails were decent, good sense of humor, full sentences…showing promise.

THEN the freak flag comes out- decides that we should “accidentally bump into each other monday night” and if that works well he wants to go out again friday. REALLY? planning TWO already? we’ll give him points for courage.

then i read through his profile- the “first date” section- FREAKING NOVEL. and this is coming from _ME_. seriously…slightly creepy…goes through the whole date IN DETAIL about how it will go, what they would order, where they would go for a walk, the type of car they would both drive…little over the top there…

BUT…points for creativity…so…you know…how bad could a 30 minute date be?

so i email back- “where am i “accidentally bumping into you” and what time?

and here’s where it gets strange (well, more strange):

“Well Sherry, I remember it this way... You stop into PF Chang's (across from the Mall) for a tall iced tea 'cause its soo hot that Monday. I am at the bar/lounge & take notice of the pretty girl that just walked in dressed in a cute little outfit. I walk up to you & accidentally bump into your right arm... The rest will be history!”

630ish? PF Changs Lounge?

Berry

and yes, that’s his real name…sherry and berry…ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

but…the email…creep anyone else out? does it make you wonder at all if he has THE REST of the story already planned out?

“then i gently smother you with an ether soaked rag and assist you into my waiting vehicle. you awaken as dirt is being shoveled over you in the back woods of one of my “landscaping” jobs…”

i mean SERIOUSLY…is this freaking anyone else out at all?

*cough*

i think i’m getting sick…

*cough*

dang summer colds can sneak up on you real quick…

back to the point- do i go? to get what you KNOW will be a good story for ya'll? or do i NOT go to avoid BECOMING my own "breaking news at 11" story?