BIG ANNOUNCEMENT

i have a REALLY REALLY big announcement today:

are you ready for this?

i don’t think you are…

you’d better sit down…

BIG BIG BIG NEWS ABOUT TO BREAK:

i

am

WHITE.

i know. shocker. right?

it turns out though, i am not just white. i am WHITE. as in W.H.I.T.E. as in only powder can beat me on color, and only a saltine can be me on crackerness.

*sigh* i don’t even know if that’s a word…crackerness. it is now…

so. how did i find out this earth changing information? i had a gentleman hit me up on plenty of fish last night. needless to say, his skin is darker than mine (which only rules out sean patrick flanery (sad panda)).

so. this gentleman chatted with me a bit and asked me a few questions:

#1: do you date brothas?

(the answer to the question is: it doesn’t matter to me what you look like as long as you have good teeth and you can hold a good conversation.)

i laughed. i about peed myself laughing. not because of the question. but because of the way i read the question in my head.

see: i’m a goober.

you know how we all have those little voices in our heads that read along with us...right? so, WHITE WHITE WHITE me read the question: do you date brothas? and then i had to read it again because it didn’t sound right in “my” voice…and i’m not even kidding…i tried it four different times before i could get a voice in my head that didn’t make me giggle. then came the challenge of responding to it…oh lordy…there is NO WAY ON EARTH i could ever even attempt to use the word “brotha” in a sentence without DYING laughing or ruining my new chair peeing myself. can you see _ME_ trying to use the word brotha? i mean…really…honestly…can you even begin to imagine the white gooberness of _ME_ trying to say “brotha”?? having flash backs to office space when michael bolton was listening to the rap music while stuck in traffic. only imagine that times a million and you’re starting to near my nerd level.

i’m not a club girl. i’m not a cool chick. i’m not a fist bumper or walk with a swagger girl or a booty popper (all these images are making me cackle in my head right now). i can’t grind, i’m not fly (laughing AGAIN), i’m not anything even on the fringes of anything non chlorox. i try to dance and it looks like a TRAIN WRECK. seriously…you’re wondering when the paramedics are going to arrive to make the seizure stop. now…imagine THAT hot mess trying to say brotha…

*sigh*

question #2 wasn’t so much of a question as a request…we had switched to yahoo chat by this point and somewhere in the last 2 years of me not using yahoo chat they added the ability to share music.

that’s right.

you can see where this train wreck is heading.

he wanted me to “throw down a mixx”

ummm…does that mean you want me to add a song? how the fuck do you even do that? i have no clue how to work the stupid program let alone add things to it.

so. i try to think of a song. and at this point he’s posted several new and old club songs so i generally have a feel for his taste in music…and all that comes to my mind is the soundtrack from whip it (which i have been religiously listening to the last week). and it’s not typical music, or music anywhere close to what he’s been “throwing down”. so…i try to think of other tracks i have on my computer…blue grass, country, irish drinking songs, top 20’s…FUCK. i’m going to look like a RETARD.

needless to say, he only asked me to do that once. the rest were his picks.

then there’s the whole conversation in general. I LIKE WORDS. i don’t understand slang. i have a degree in LITERATURE. REAL WORDS. REAL SENTENCES. REAL CONVERSATION. i’m always going over the limit on text messages because i HATE the “txt spk”. like i said, i’m not a club girl, i’m not cool. i’m not hip to the jive. i don’t know the cool lingo. my only source for new words are the kids on the disney channel shows. i say things like “what’s shakin bacon?” not “hey yo…wazzup homeskillet”. i say “cool beans” not “bombdiggity”.

so. half the conversation i’m missing or guessing badly at…but oddly, the conversation kept going.

then i notice something:

boo

did i scare you? seriously…what does boo mean? boo- that’s what he kept calling me…is this a phrase i should know? is it slang for white? as in so white i make casper step back and say “bitch PLEASE!” is it just something he decided to call me for whatever reason?

so. to sum up. i’m the whitest white girl you may ever run across. remember how awkward julia stiles was in that dance movie? i make THAT look normal and comfortable. tragic. seriously.

but…somehow…he thinks i’m cool. and wants to chat again…heaven help me…or probably more help HIM…i’m sure i hurt his head more than a little…