if you were in an accident...

as i was driving to work this morning i kept imagining what would happen if i were in a serious car accident- partially because of some SERIOUSLY idiotic driver, and partially because my poor little car is not so slowly falling apart and an accident would be an easy way to total her out and get a new one…that’s what insurance is for, right? it would just have to be a SPECIFIC accident…you know…when the kids aren’t in the car, hit the passenger’s side hard enough to total the car but not enough to total me…no bursting into flames, no permanent damage or limb loss for anyone involved…not that i’ve put much thought into this or anything.

anytwaddle- i was thinking about what would happen during the emergency portion of said accident, and it occurred to me that i would be THAT person. you know, the one being hauled away on a gurney saying completely inappropriate things like:

-good thing my momma always taught me to wear clean underwear in case of an accident…cause THAT would be embarrassing

-sir, would you mind using a mint before you proceed with CPR? (yes, i realize i wouldn’t be able to SAY this if CPR were required, but you KNOW i would be thinking it).

-say, when you dig my phone out of the wreckage, would you mind adding your contact information? you’re pretty cute…

-are there news crews on scene? would you mind arranging my hair a little better? would like to look my best for the public…

-did my coffee spill? would you mind grabbing that for me? would hate to waste a good latte…

*sigh* perhaps this is why i haven’t been in any accidents…the universe knows the rescue crews just aren’t ready for me.

so. i had an interesting weekend. i’m still trying to decide what parts of it are blog appropriate…how brave are you my blog readers? cause honestly…some of the potential content makes _ME_ blush. so…you know…it’s not for the faint of heart. if you thought some of my other stories were racy or slightly inappropriate…this would NOT be for you. holy hannah montana flashing a camel toe…imagine going out on a limb. take a left and head out on a smaller branch- got it? now, follow that branch out to a little twig…keep going…see that little tiny budding leaf? park an elephant on it. that’s how far out there it is…i mean...DAMN. and now i’m sure you’re curious as to what could be so bad…but trust: it’s RACY. but i’ll leave it up to ya’ll…

my kids have discovered tang. they think it’s the greatest thing ever. it makes me think of oompah loompah blood.

today is a bit random if you haven’t guessed.

have you ever wondered why life is the way it is? i mean…i get it. i’m a bitch. so i’m probably just collecting my karmic justice. but it really pisses me off when the world’s most annoying co-worker EVER that makes me want to punch babies all day long wins 5k at a casino and i find out i have to cut my budget by 400 for the second time in a year (so that’s 800 in budget cuts in 12 months…nice). i just don’t get it, you know? my snark doesn’t hurt anyone. it’s mostly side comments that have no bearing on anything besides me feeling smug for popping off a snarky comment. but…you know…WHAT THE HELL UNIVERSE? how do the assholes keep getting away with lying and cheating and i keep getting my ass kicked for trying to do the right thing? i just don’t understand how the scales work. is life really more like the monty python witch trial than we care to admit? are some of us tagged from a past life that we can’t remember? why do some people have such an obvious midas touch while others of us have the charmin touch? (get it? everything we touch is shitty…charmin…the cha cha cha bears…ha ha ha ha ha ha…i crack me up. *sigh*).

i think maybe the blue is getting to my brain. that, and sheer boredom.

oh yeah…how would you read this: “do not take if you are pregnant or nursing, under 12 years of age.”

does that mean if you’re a pregnant 12 year old you shouldn’t take it? but if you’re knocked up and 13 you’re fine? does that mean if you’re nursing a 12 year old you shouldn’t take it? who would be nursing a 12 year old? isn’t jr high uncomfortable enough without having to take milk breaks?

hmm. think that was uncomfortable? multiply by eleventy billion and you’re getting CLOSE to the potential blog…something to think about…