a mind fuck:

so. i tweeted about this the other day and i wasn’t trying to be vague- i’ve just really trying to wrap my head around it and it is a SERIOUS mind fuck. i’m going to try my best to explain the last few days, but really…there’s this huge shift that’s happened and i’m not sure i can capture it in words, but since that’s what i was born to do, here we go:

have you ever been in a conversation with someone and in the middle of it your brain bitch slapped you and said “hey you ignorant fuck…pay attention: you will never be the same after this”?

welcome to the last few days.

you meet people in life. you meet them in the oddest and most unexpected ways. one time you’re in line at a store, another you’re sitting next to each other at event. one day you go visit a friend and meet the neighbors. i believe, to my core, that there is a time and a reason for everything in life- hell, i have that very thing tattooed on my body...fewer words, same idea. each person, each event is meant to teach you something you needed to know in that moment or at that point in your life. some things you have to wait years for because you’re not ready for them yet, others help you lead up to that point. have i lost you yet? i feel like i’m babbling…

TO THE POINT:

saturday i was visiting friends and we decided to go down and visit the pool at their apartment complex. i’m not sure the exact details, suffice to say they’ve lived there for several years and haven’t met many of the neighbors. i’m the same way. i’ve lived places for YEARS before learning the name of any of the neighbors. currently, i have NO CLUE who else lives in my building and there’s only three units. i don’t like people as a general rule and i’ve learned the hard way that ignoring your neighbors is MUCH better than dealing with drama and bullshit. i don’t need to borrow a cup of sugar from anyone…it’s not worth the inevitable train wreck.

back to saturday, we went to their complex pool and met some of the neighbors.

jesus- i’m making a mess of this already.

so. we met two of the neighbors- two gentlemen who have been living there for a few months. we all chatted a bit, one of them and i ended up hitting it off quite well, we (my friends and i) were invited to the gentlemen’s apartment to chat and play dominos. it all went very well. best outcome of meeting the neighbors possible. then monday night i was invited back to their home to chat and hang out.

back story: these gentlemen moved here a few months ago from one of the many war torn countries on our havoc cursed earth. i’ll let that sink in a bit...it took me a while to really understand the impact of that simple sentence- they moved here from a war torn county. they didn’t return from deployment, they didn’t vacation there, they didn’t spend some time there, they LIVED there. GREW UP in the middle of war. their whole life experience has been turmoil and tragedy. all the things i’ve grown up seeing on the news from as far back as i can remember- THEY LIVED IT. they’re still living it.

the guy that i hit it off with…life is so endlessly fascinating…we’re 4 months apart in age. we both have bachelor’s degrees in English/Literature. we’re both music and movie fanatics. he’s wicked smart with all the different languages, physics, literature info in his brain. we have commonality that astounds me. even with a language barrier we crack jokes and laugh and (for the most part) understand each other shockingly well. it’s almost like finding out you’ve been leading a parallel life with someone halfway across the globe.

but that’s where the similarities ended. parallel lives in completely separate universes.

see, he grew up with chaos and destruction and loss. i grew with comfort and security and lower-middle class america. he grew up with it being normal to see civil unrest in the streets. grenades, bombs, guns, daily fighting were typical. loss was almost expected or at least less of a shock. i grew up never actually seeing any type of fight in person except the one bad date i went on my junior year in high school and that was just one punch. i’ve never been around live fire, or bombs, or riots or ANYTHING more than a long line of cranky walmart shoppers at christmas time.

i remember watching things or hearing about things on tv. we bought our first tv in 1990 so my mum’s husband could watch the initial wave of desert shield. this guy grew up watching out his front door. we worried about my mum’s husband being recalled to the marines for active duty. this gentleman watched his friends and family and town called to active duty willing or not. i read about sadaam in newsweek during high school. he lived all the events first hand. i watched friends and family go off for tours during OEF. he was in the middle of it. literally.

i tend to forget that all the things going on right now are history. we are living history that will be written about and analyzed and talked about forever. and he’s been literally LIVING in the middle of that history. does this make sense? i cant explain…i hear about soldiers deployed for 9 months, 18 months, years even. they’re trained, they’re taught to expect the problem, they’re prepared and given tools and support and you know…they volunteer to serve their country and go over to these places. i can imagine growing up in that. not having a choice. being forced to learn your own ways to deal with it. learning to expect the chaos and feeling lost when it’s calm. as kids they don’t have the training, they don’t have the support, they don’t get to leave in a few months and come back to their real homes where walking to the grocery store doesn’t take 5 hours because of a sudden gun battle.

and i look at my darling steve- how much it affected him being over there for his short deployment time. i saw how much it hurt him and how much it changed him and how he carried that with him…and then i try to think about having to live that every. single. day.

and this gentleman- his spirit- he has this amazing spirit. he exudes calm and an assurance and a security. from such chaos comes such peace. don’t get me wrong- i’m sure there’s an inner battle i’m not privy to. and i know there’s only so much you can see in 6 hours of conversation broken by language differences. but there’s also SO MUCH you can see in that time. there’s laughter and jokes and humility and honesty.

i can’t…there aren’t the right words for how in awe i am. this person with so many parallels but on such a different plane. the same age, the same interest, but such amazingly different lives. i was in awe of the things he was willing to share with me and the experiences he’s lived and the life he is planning. the way he talks about people he’s known and lost. the true, deep respect he has for his family. the drive he has to go on and make a better life come hell or high water.

but…there’s still…what am i trying to say…FUCK…it was so…sobering i guess is the closest word-

to realize and make that connection between the news and life- and i mean it’s happened before. there’s big events- there’s steve deploying and coming home, there’s friends currently serving, there’s local news that hits home, there’s current events and chaos everywhere. but this is HARD CORE real life- does any of this make sense? this is real life history not reading an article with unknown spin in a magazine. this isn’t a journalists view of the events. this is LIFE. right in front of me.

and through the week i’ve had the chance to spend even more time- i’ve been invited into homes for dinner. i’ve had several long conversations that were almost half arguments about differences in culture and ideas and goals. i’ve looked differently at my experiences and how i’ve viewed life until now. i’m trying to remind myself that even though it’s not the same, i’ve also worked damn hard to get to where i’m at today. granted, my circumstances are a fucking cake walk comparatively, but still...

i don’t know- guess this is all a long way of saying it’s been a thought provoking week. it’s been a week of learning and listening and trying to imagine what life is like outside my protected little bubble. and, if you have time, you know...try it.