the horse that wouldn’t die: douche-free dining

i know, I KNOW. i’ve done the douche thing. but this one wasn’t my fault. well, it was, but it wasn’t. THIS WAS A REQUEST. wait...i’d better start from the beginning.

so. friday i made an appointment to take the blue OUT of my hair. i know: SISSY. it only lasted one week. the truth is: i felt bad for making people do something they didn’t want to do. see…99% of people would react with a shocked “oh wow” or something along those lines, then they were forced to try to think of something polite to say to cover their moronic asses, and i just…you know, i felt bad for them. so this way they won’t have to try to think of anything to say. also: i got real tired real quick about correcting people: i did NOT turn into a smurf you fucking morons. smurfs had blue SKIN, not blue HAIR. even smurfette- she was blonde. so…you know…all those stupid smurf comments…you’re just making yourself look like a jackass. and i feel bad about that. so. you know. now they can find other ways to let their natural moronic colors shine through.

apparently moron is the word of the day.

SO. friday- went in to have my hair changed. i knew enough not to try to do it at home…turns out i was right: brunette + blue = forest green. didn’t really suit my skin tone. forest green + reddish brunette = normal. yes…it took TWO colorings to get it back to a natural, found in nature color…and not nature as in the forest, nature as in on a human.

anytwaddle. getting there, i promise: so: went in to have my hair fixed. and my salon gal was so excited to see me. turns out she had a problem that she just KNEW i would have the solution for. and- hold on…yoga stretch…don’t want to pull a muscle patting my own back…turns out: I DID HAVE THE SOLUTION.

problem: my darling hair goddess and her adorable husband have a favorite restaurant near their house. it seems the proprietor has been having a problem keeping the area douche-free. for those of you that live…well…anywhere, you know the abundant douche problem affecting this nation. so the problem the proprietor is having is very understandable. my hair goddess said they’ve all been talking about something they could post- a sign, SOMETHING to help combat the douche problem, and immediately i came to mind…she knew i would have just the thing to help. i did not disappoint. now…i wrote this list for her on the fly and didn’t keep a copy of it, so here, to the best of my memory ability (read: i have the mental capacities of dory the blue fish when it comes to memory) is the list for her (now with comments/additional details!):

we reserve the right to refuse service to anyone. (standard restaurant sign)

we reserve the right to refuse service AND MOCK the following: (my type of restaurant sign)

anyone wearing a hat that is tilted or “adjusted” in any way. 12:00 is the ONLY acceptable position for a hat. 12:05- NO. 2:30- NO. 6:00- HELL NO and you should be slapped. when did it even become acceptable to wear a hat at the dinner table? really…MANNERS PEOPLE.

anyone who refers to any member of the staff at any point in time as bro, dude, or dawg. i don’t care if they ARE your brother- which, if they are, you should know AND USE their real name.

anyone whose skin is not a natural shade found in nature outside the fruit food group.

anyone that has a swagger not directly the result of a documented medical condition or missing limb.

anyone showing any part of their undergarments. congratulations, i’m proud of you for remembering to put them on this morning, but i really do NOT need to see your spongebob boxer shorts or your jewel accented g-string. COVER THAT ISH UP.

anyone (male specific) that orders FOR or BEFORE their date.

anyone that makes three or more substitutions/changes to a regular menu item. no, you cannot substitute the cucumber on your salad for chicken and have alfredo instead of ranch, and replace the lettuce with fettuccine. YOU’RE MAKING A WHOLE NEW DISH YOU FUCKING MORON. if you don’t like the options available, please feel free to go somewhere else…or…really out there: COOK FOR YOUR OWN DAMN SELF.

**anyone (female specific) wearing leggings as pants.

**anyone over the age of 12 that things a velcro wallet is acceptable

**anyone who feels the need to take up the space of 4 normal people by “relaxing” at their table. congratulations on your flexibility, i’m just so happy to know that you can effectively do the splits while slouching in your chair that is pushed back 483 feet from the table but sit up straight, keep the path ways clear, and keep your damn knees together. actually- please feel free to apply that last suggestion OUTSIDE the restaurant also. society really doesn’t need more douchlings running around.

**anyone who argues EVER. SINGLE. CHARGE. on the bill and then doesn’t leave a tip.

**anyone who treats their waiter/waitress as their own personal servant. they are PEOPLE. and they deserve respect. please and thank you are still recognized words in the english language (although they are becoming rare).

so…there you have it. if you know a restaurant overrun with douche, please feel free to pass this along.

**added today- not part of the original list (that i can remember…they may have been…i really don’t know).