ok kids. i know i’ve already covered the topic of douches, but, like any good writer, i know when there’s a solid opportunity to beat a dead horse well into the ground and drag out a topic just a bit longer. so here we go.
one thing that people always say to writers is: write what you know. well, growing up in the northwest corner of BFE there’s two thing i’ve learned plenty about in my lifetime: #1: hunting. there’s big game hunting, deer hunting, coyote hunting, duck hunting, mullet hunting...you get the idea. the other: #2 douchebags. i’ve had more than my fair share of experiences with them. so. writing what i know...combining the two things together: DOUCHE HUNTING.
additionally, in the scary world of dating there has recently been this development of “players” or “pick up artists”. this is the douche way of hunting women. i say let’s turn the tables and teach douche hunting. so. this shall serve as your guide.
if you read the post the other day about what (is) a douch, you should already be familiar with several douche terms. i would like to now throw in a few additional hunting specific terms before i get to the actual stalking of your prey just to make sure we’re all on the same page:
what is a group of douches called? there’s a herd a deer, a flock of geese, a murder of crows...but what is a group of douchebags called? a fraternity. a fraternity of douche.
douchetard: a douche who doesn’t realize he’s a douche. he’s either in deep denial or truly oblivious to what is an obvious stank of douche to those around him. when hunting it is best to avoid douchetards as it is unethical to pick of the weakest link in the herd...no one likes an easy kill. additionally, it may be difficult to get a clean shot on a douchetard as they may miss social cues or advances and spoil the hunting trip by tipping off the rest of the fraternity.
douchebait: someone who has recently been through some sort of break up or tragic event. while having douchebait with you is optimal, it is not required since there are generally plenty of douches around and baiting one may not be necessary. just in case though, good douchebait is someone who has the air of wounded/broken spirit about them. if you have a friend who has recently been crying, in a dramatic fight, or has just left a serious partner the scent they give off will be an instant attractant to any douche within a 10 mile radius. as this bait is so potent, make sure you do not have several such friends with you with you at any time. you will be surrounded and overcome by douche, and there will be no escape. additionally, if you happen to be going through something painful or tragic, it may be best to stay home until the moment has passed to prevent any unwanted douche attacks.
douche hunting gear: if you plan on going out douche hunting, like any sport it is important to have the right gear and apparel. stiletto heels, short skirts, “party shirts” and several spackeled on layers of make up will produce the best results when combined properly. for skirts: anything that has a flash potential and hugs the RIGHT curves will do. for shirts, you want something that supports and displays your girls without giving away the farm. a good glimpse is optimal so make sure the shirt is snug and low cut, but not tight and threatening to overflow. as to make up, think tammy faye baker. there is NEVER enough eye shadow or rouge, the thicker the better, and if you are completely unrecognizable as yourself after the make up is applied then you are close to a perfect result. to be safe you may want to add one last layer of everything. remember, it will be dark, and you do not want the douche to recognize you at any other time.
now that we have the proper terms and gear, it’s time go hunt some douche.
fraternity’s of douche generally come out at night. optimal hunting is between the hours of 10 pm and 1 am. hours can be extended past 1 am, but the risk of the douche being too inebriated are statistically higher, and to get the best kill the douche needs to be alert and aware of what is going on at the time.
with your douche gear in place, venture out at night and head towards any spot promoting “ladies night”, “djimcoolerthananyone”, or any place with low priced drinks/shots. once inside your hunting spot, pick a place with good visibility of the bar, the dance floor, and the entrance to the ladies room as fraternity’s of douches are known to congregate in these places. when picking out your target make sure you select a douche with a large crowd around him. the larger the potential audience, the greater the kill will be.
with the selected kill in your sights, slowly move in with your douchebait and wait for the fraternity to notice you. if this hasn’t happened in .32 second, you may need to lower your shirt 1/4 of an inch or make your bait dissolve into tears. in extreme hunting situations, any girl on girl action will also instantly grab the attention of a surrounding fraternity. be careful when pulling out the big guns though as this may attract several fraternity’s at the same time creating a douche-off situation which is never good for anyone. you will know when the douche has noticed you as he will begin a series of “guranteed to work” pick up artist lines, lame conversation starters, or awkward “i’m really into you” questions. carefully lure the douche into conversation, allow him to buy you a drink, encourage him to oogle your best assets through subltle body movements. carefully plan your moment for the perfect strike. when the surrounding fraternity of douche are paying attention and when you douche is feeling particularly confident you can make your strike.
there are several ways to go for a take down:
#1 BEFORE he asks for your number, casually ask if he’s single. no matter what the true answer is, you can be assured that the douche will answer to the affirmative. he thinks he’s in. you will see a slight glow build in his eyes. there will be a change in body movement, something akin to a really lame cobra getting ready to strike. as soon as he as answered affirmative, let him know how glad this information makes you because you have a gay friend that would be PERFECT for him. if you have an actual gay friend with you, or someone wiling to assist your hunt by playing a gay friend, the results will be EPIC. motion for them to join you at this point and watch the douche slowly crumple and lose life. you will know your stike has been successful when you hear a large “ooooooo” sound from the surrounding fraternity, or any number of loud, angry, “I’M NOT GAY’’ statements emerging from your target. well done.
#2 if you have not been able to strike before the douche asks for your phone number, you can go for a secondary strike. (*side note: it is a well know fact that douche enjoy being able to collect phone numbers and compare tally numbers at the end of the evening.) when the douche makes his move and asks for your digits, there are several options- you could wound, maim, or go for a kill.
wound: respond with: A) i would love to give you my number, but my boyfriend (or girlfriend) would get really mad. this leaved the douche slighty wounded, but also believing he has a change to lure you away from your imaginary partner.
maim: respond with: A) “oh, i’m not looking for a relationship right now, but you seem like a really great guy and it would be great to be friends.” mentioning the “FRIEND” word around a douche will stun him and send him into a stupor. all douche know that being the mayor of the friendzone is one foursquare badge they do not want to unlock.
kill: respond with: “i’m sorry, i thought you were gay. i was actually going to ask for your number to pass along to a friend of mine. you would be PERFECT for him.” calling a douche’s sexuality into question is the ultimate kill. they are extremely unsecure in this area of life. it will be the ultimate attack on their weak spot and they will fall hard. the douche may issue a few tourettes like death phrases along the lines of “you bitch”, “youre a cunt”, any number of expletives, or half sentences and mutterings. there will be a general uproar from the rest of the fraternity sounding like half laughs/gasps/defenses of their fallen comrade. the douche may stalk angrily away, or lapse into complete silence.
a common mistake in douche hunting for beginners is thinking that they somehow misread their target and picked out a non-douche. this is a clever decoy tactic by the fraternity. some have evolved over time to make sure one of their pack is less douche-like, but be assured this is just a decoy. do not at any time give out a number (real or fake) as this will only strengthen the fraternity and their mistaken sense of importance in the social world.
when douche hunting, it is best not to try to pull off multiple kills in the same night. it is time consuming, and generally degrading. additionally, try not to pull off too many kills in the same general location as the fraternity’s do have some small evolution skills and may begin to ignore even the strongest of bait. if you start to notice only the douchetard of the group picking up on the scent of the bait, you know that it is time to move on to new hunting ground or call it a night. all hunters develop their special skills or tricks, and i encourage all you to do the same. go with what works for you.
happy douche hunting darlings.
one thing that people always say to writers is: write what you know. well, growing up in the northwest corner of BFE there’s two thing i’ve learned plenty about in my lifetime: #1: hunting. there’s big game hunting, deer hunting, coyote hunting, duck hunting, mullet hunting...you get the idea. the other: #2 douchebags. i’ve had more than my fair share of experiences with them. so. writing what i know...combining the two things together: DOUCHE HUNTING.
additionally, in the scary world of dating there has recently been this development of “players” or “pick up artists”. this is the douche way of hunting women. i say let’s turn the tables and teach douche hunting. so. this shall serve as your guide.
if you read the post the other day about what (is) a douch, you should already be familiar with several douche terms. i would like to now throw in a few additional hunting specific terms before i get to the actual stalking of your prey just to make sure we’re all on the same page:
what is a group of douches called? there’s a herd a deer, a flock of geese, a murder of crows...but what is a group of douchebags called? a fraternity. a fraternity of douche.
douchetard: a douche who doesn’t realize he’s a douche. he’s either in deep denial or truly oblivious to what is an obvious stank of douche to those around him. when hunting it is best to avoid douchetards as it is unethical to pick of the weakest link in the herd...no one likes an easy kill. additionally, it may be difficult to get a clean shot on a douchetard as they may miss social cues or advances and spoil the hunting trip by tipping off the rest of the fraternity.
douchebait: someone who has recently been through some sort of break up or tragic event. while having douchebait with you is optimal, it is not required since there are generally plenty of douches around and baiting one may not be necessary. just in case though, good douchebait is someone who has the air of wounded/broken spirit about them. if you have a friend who has recently been crying, in a dramatic fight, or has just left a serious partner the scent they give off will be an instant attractant to any douche within a 10 mile radius. as this bait is so potent, make sure you do not have several such friends with you with you at any time. you will be surrounded and overcome by douche, and there will be no escape. additionally, if you happen to be going through something painful or tragic, it may be best to stay home until the moment has passed to prevent any unwanted douche attacks.
douche hunting gear: if you plan on going out douche hunting, like any sport it is important to have the right gear and apparel. stiletto heels, short skirts, “party shirts” and several spackeled on layers of make up will produce the best results when combined properly. for skirts: anything that has a flash potential and hugs the RIGHT curves will do. for shirts, you want something that supports and displays your girls without giving away the farm. a good glimpse is optimal so make sure the shirt is snug and low cut, but not tight and threatening to overflow. as to make up, think tammy faye baker. there is NEVER enough eye shadow or rouge, the thicker the better, and if you are completely unrecognizable as yourself after the make up is applied then you are close to a perfect result. to be safe you may want to add one last layer of everything. remember, it will be dark, and you do not want the douche to recognize you at any other time.
now that we have the proper terms and gear, it’s time go hunt some douche.
fraternity’s of douche generally come out at night. optimal hunting is between the hours of 10 pm and 1 am. hours can be extended past 1 am, but the risk of the douche being too inebriated are statistically higher, and to get the best kill the douche needs to be alert and aware of what is going on at the time.
with your douche gear in place, venture out at night and head towards any spot promoting “ladies night”, “djimcoolerthananyone”, or any place with low priced drinks/shots. once inside your hunting spot, pick a place with good visibility of the bar, the dance floor, and the entrance to the ladies room as fraternity’s of douches are known to congregate in these places. when picking out your target make sure you select a douche with a large crowd around him. the larger the potential audience, the greater the kill will be.
with the selected kill in your sights, slowly move in with your douchebait and wait for the fraternity to notice you. if this hasn’t happened in .32 second, you may need to lower your shirt 1/4 of an inch or make your bait dissolve into tears. in extreme hunting situations, any girl on girl action will also instantly grab the attention of a surrounding fraternity. be careful when pulling out the big guns though as this may attract several fraternity’s at the same time creating a douche-off situation which is never good for anyone. you will know when the douche has noticed you as he will begin a series of “guranteed to work” pick up artist lines, lame conversation starters, or awkward “i’m really into you” questions. carefully lure the douche into conversation, allow him to buy you a drink, encourage him to oogle your best assets through subltle body movements. carefully plan your moment for the perfect strike. when the surrounding fraternity of douche are paying attention and when you douche is feeling particularly confident you can make your strike.
there are several ways to go for a take down:
#1 BEFORE he asks for your number, casually ask if he’s single. no matter what the true answer is, you can be assured that the douche will answer to the affirmative. he thinks he’s in. you will see a slight glow build in his eyes. there will be a change in body movement, something akin to a really lame cobra getting ready to strike. as soon as he as answered affirmative, let him know how glad this information makes you because you have a gay friend that would be PERFECT for him. if you have an actual gay friend with you, or someone wiling to assist your hunt by playing a gay friend, the results will be EPIC. motion for them to join you at this point and watch the douche slowly crumple and lose life. you will know your stike has been successful when you hear a large “ooooooo” sound from the surrounding fraternity, or any number of loud, angry, “I’M NOT GAY’’ statements emerging from your target. well done.
#2 if you have not been able to strike before the douche asks for your phone number, you can go for a secondary strike. (*side note: it is a well know fact that douche enjoy being able to collect phone numbers and compare tally numbers at the end of the evening.) when the douche makes his move and asks for your digits, there are several options- you could wound, maim, or go for a kill.
wound: respond with: A) i would love to give you my number, but my boyfriend (or girlfriend) would get really mad. this leaved the douche slighty wounded, but also believing he has a change to lure you away from your imaginary partner.
maim: respond with: A) “oh, i’m not looking for a relationship right now, but you seem like a really great guy and it would be great to be friends.” mentioning the “FRIEND” word around a douche will stun him and send him into a stupor. all douche know that being the mayor of the friendzone is one foursquare badge they do not want to unlock.
kill: respond with: “i’m sorry, i thought you were gay. i was actually going to ask for your number to pass along to a friend of mine. you would be PERFECT for him.” calling a douche’s sexuality into question is the ultimate kill. they are extremely unsecure in this area of life. it will be the ultimate attack on their weak spot and they will fall hard. the douche may issue a few tourettes like death phrases along the lines of “you bitch”, “youre a cunt”, any number of expletives, or half sentences and mutterings. there will be a general uproar from the rest of the fraternity sounding like half laughs/gasps/defenses of their fallen comrade. the douche may stalk angrily away, or lapse into complete silence.
a common mistake in douche hunting for beginners is thinking that they somehow misread their target and picked out a non-douche. this is a clever decoy tactic by the fraternity. some have evolved over time to make sure one of their pack is less douche-like, but be assured this is just a decoy. do not at any time give out a number (real or fake) as this will only strengthen the fraternity and their mistaken sense of importance in the social world.
when douche hunting, it is best not to try to pull off multiple kills in the same night. it is time consuming, and generally degrading. additionally, try not to pull off too many kills in the same general location as the fraternity’s do have some small evolution skills and may begin to ignore even the strongest of bait. if you start to notice only the douchetard of the group picking up on the scent of the bait, you know that it is time to move on to new hunting ground or call it a night. all hunters develop their special skills or tricks, and i encourage all you to do the same. go with what works for you.
happy douche hunting darlings.
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