this is why tuesdays: fishing

so, i was talked into suckered into joining a free dating site.

~sigh~ i'll wait while you go get the popcorn. it's gonna be a good one.

so, all the dating sites in the world- they're ALL THE SAME. same people, same badly spelled profiles, same HORRIBLE pictures. it's terrible. really, really terrible. but, due to a lack of friends with "let me set you up" schemes, and lack of time to go douche hunting at the local bars, i'm stuck fishing online...cause that's what it is: plentyoffish.com fishing. HORRIBLE.

it's this gem of a site where i dug up "hmmmmm..." guy. oh yeah. que.all.eh.tee.

so. being gifted with an abundance of perserverance stupidity i've stuck with it hoping for the ONE GOOD CATCH. but alas, much like "the one that got away", there are none to be found. instead, i shall regale you with tales of that i have found.

ready?

fish #1:
first email: those are huge!
what? maybe he's...hmm...check my profile...nope...normal pictures...what the hell is he talking about? what are huge?
for clarity, here are the pictures i posted of myself:

as you can see...nothing scandalous, nothing racy, nothing flashing anything...just me. so WHAT are huge? i'm not understanding. i'm sure he's talking about the girls...but really? there's no money shots...nothing to display them...AM I MISSING SOMETHING?
so, giving asshat fish the benefit of the doubt i email back:
me: my sunglasses? i guess they're big, but not too much.
asshat fish: ha ha, you're funny.
me: so i've been told a time or two.
ahf: so, what are you into?
me: reading, movies, usual stuff. you?
ahf: i like to read too.
me: have you read anything good lately?
ahf: you know, let's just cut to it. you gonna show me your tits or what?

~snarf~

wanna guess what my answer was?

moving on. i know. you're shocked i let that catch get away. i'll give you a moment to recover.

*hmmmmm....*

moving on? so. first thing i do when the rare email comes in is to check the profile FIRST, before wasting any time reading drivel. so, email from fish #2 comes in: i check the profile and it is *shock* all spelled correctly and in regular human language. passed the first check point. stats seem mostly normal- likes to do normal things, no drugs, owns a car (yes, these are real profile questions). the about me section say he knows how to treat a lady with respect, is interested in having a good time and getting to know someone for who they really are. ummm...BULLSHIT. but you know...let's check the email just in case:

dipwhip fish: hey. your hot. waz up?

*blink* WHAT? what happened to treating a lady with respect? if THAT is treating a lady with respect...i think i found out why he's still in the pond. and what happened to the smart person that was able to string together enough letters to form an actual sentence in a real paragraph for the profile? and what happened to the person that knew the difference between your and you're??

~sigh~

and the last one for tonight. best for last. just for you my pets. fish #3 goes by the name drdondac1. hello doctor don. hmmm...normal profile...emailed a few weeks ago...normal conversations. would like to get together for coffee...blah blah blah...all seems normal. was able to keep up with quips and jokes. this fish *MAY* have some potential...hmmmm....(yes, i did that on purpose). so, drdondac disappears for about 2 weeks. whatevs. no skin off my ass. moving on.

OH WAIT.

email from the good doctor last night. apparently he's been in tennessee on government work for the last few weeks. so. what we're going to do now is give you the email exchange, and then we'll play: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? (and all the emails are word. for. word. nothing has been changed or paraphrased...it's as real as it gets.)

me: what is tennessee like anyway? i've never been there...anything exciting in the middle of all the work?
drfish: green
me: green? hmm...that happens to be the color i'm adding to my hair this friday. well, emerald.
drfish: wow. love to see that.
me: i'm pretty excited...getting the style changed for the first time in a few years, adding in the emerald instead of the usual purple. good to change it up now and again! something new for summer. what do you like to do away from work?
drfish: keeping natural down below or changes too?
me: wow...cuttin right to it huh?

drfish: sorry Im very straight forward but dont want to offend you sorry
me: i don't offend easily...just think boys are funny. truth? not much to make changes to.
drfish: Why not ? Little girl style?

~vomit~

ok. so. besides the fact that ya'll got a TMI in there with all that...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? now, i understand that most people would have bailed after the first red flag question in which he completely ignored my trying to have a normal conversation and  jumping straight for the basement. BUT...you know...i thought i could steer the conversation away from CREEPY a bit and go back into non-freak range. i dared venture an email or two further...

i should have known better. once they turn into a freak you can never uncross that line. but i tried to...you know...move on...but then LITTLE GIRL STYLE? i'm sorry. my radar must be broken. i completely missed the I'M A CREEPY PEDOPHILE beacon that must have been running on FULL BLAST this whole time. caught it now. "little girl style"??? did anyone else throw up? everything from the last year?  seriously. i think i just lost about 15 pounds. WHO THE FUCK CALLS IT "LITTLE GIRL STYLE"??? you fucking pervert. creeped me the fuck out.

so. needless to say: i'm giving up fishing. apparently the spokane fish pond is a toxic chemical dumping ground. mutated, freakish, dear god what is that thing? fish.

~vomit~ sorry...just can't get that last one out of my head...WHAT THE FUCK?

so. all this is to say: i'm sorry kids. it may be a while before you get another terrible date story from me. i know. it breaks your heart. but what can i do?