what (is) a douche

and now, by popular demand (hey...one IS popular in my world. suck it): the world of douche according to me:

the other day i had a parenting fail moment: my oldest son heard me use a word and he had to ask me what that word meant. the word my friends was douche. it saddens me to my very core that i have let my oldest spawn reach this level in life (12) without a proper introduction to one of today’s most common words. see, i have a particular detestment (its a word. shut it) of/for douches. i have devised many, MANY ways to describe said “people” (and i say “people” using the term very loosely) and yet, somehow, i have failed to educate my children on this very important matter. so, as part of educating my children, i also pass my knowledge on to you.

we’ll start simple: what IS a douche?

a douche is an asshat. a fuckwit. bastard, prick, scallowag, tosser, jerk. he lacks any form of respect for any person other than himself on this planet because he is (in his own teeny tiny mind) better, faster, stronger, smarter, more charming than every other person in the history of time. he is, of course, the ultimate gift to women, the epitome of man’s man, and all around example of what we all wish we could be. outside of his teeny tiny mind (in other words, to the rest of us) he’s the guy we all put up with but no one really knows why other than to have someone to always provide something to talk about. he regularly makes a complete fool of himself, is scorned by everyone he 6-degrees-of-separation comes in contact with, and is regularly mocked by everyone at every given opportunity. a veritable peter peaCOCK strutting his stuff, trying to impress the ladies and outdo all the other cocks in the henhouse.

how do you recognize a douche? the height and build may vary, but a douche will always look like they’ve been in a horriffic battle with a bottle of LA Looks, a costco size bag of glittery fleur de lys and roman catholic crosses, and a bottle of bleach (hair, jeans, teeth...everything has been hit EXCEPT the skin which is usually a color never found in nature). the traditional douche will not be able to walk- he will have a “strut” comparable to what it would look like if regular person had been kicked in the knee by a horse, run over by a freight train, and had one arm partially severed in a ninja battle. there is an odd medical condition that affects most douches wherein their head is barely connected to their neck and bobs back and forth at random times. one *MIGHT* think that this is a feeble attempt recognition/greeting until they realize that no one in the room actually know the person, or if they did for any reason, would never publicly acknowledge this.

a few other simple things about douches:

their habitat: any dark club, hang out joint, social gathering area or home that is NOT theirs. they would invite you to their place, but their mom doesn’t allow company after 9:30.

their food: anything cooked by a woman. duh. that’s a woman’s only purpose in life. well, besides telling the douche how big their muscles are. if the woman can compliment muscles WHILE they cook: bonus.

transportation: two options:

#1: a friend’s car as theirs is (indefinitely) being “tricked out”

#2: a lowered honda with blacked out windows, a 7-14” spoiler, low profile tires, a bitchin’ stereo system, and ed hardy EVERYTHING (window stickers, seat covers, floor mats, air fresheners, steering wheel cover, and a sweatshirt in the back seat among the red bull cans).

so. now that we know what a douche is and how to recognize one, let’s delve deeper into a vocabulary i have created to deal with these “people”:

douche-a-palooza: an unusually large gathering of douches or a large ratio of douche to regular people. generally happens at “manly” events: UFC fights, monster truck rallies, strongest men competitions, and anything taking place in the state of new jersey.

“you have a little douche on you”: a good friend might say this as a warning. you may have inadvertently come in contact with a douche, said something particularly ridiculous, or picked out an outfit in the dark and left the house before you noticed. this should serve as a yellow warning. it is not a red light, but you should definitely proceed with caution.

douchetastic: something that would only be considered cool, relevant, important by a douche.

dante’s level of douchedom: much like the levels of hell, there are levels of douchedom. some are douches without know it (hard to believe, but it happens). some know they are douches, but choose to ignore the fact and some are douches and proud of it. the lowest level of douchedom is reached when one douche calls out another douche to a third party. when you have a douche calling a douche a douche...DAMN GINA. that’s about as low as it gets kids.

douche-ocity: the speed at which a seemingly normal person can turn into a complete and total douche. often measured in zero to douche parameters. common measurements are: women’s breast sizes, number of drinks, seconds after hearing someone mock them, and number of “manery” (accessories for guys). you may hear such things as: zero to douche in 34.DD, or zero to douche in 2 appletini’s, or zero to douche in 6 pleather wrist wraps.

in-douched: to cause vomiting or other severe reaction by any exposure to a douche. prolonged exposure to a douche can cause severe side effects such as the desire to tan for 18+ hours a day or purchase a bump-it. in extreme cases involuntary fist pumping has been witnessed.

douche-canoe: when a douche is so full of bullshit you need a canoe to escape the situation. past a hip-wader or eyes turning brown scenario. often, this type of douche is referred to as the “one upper” or “the guy who has done everything”. while it can be fun to concoct stories for the douchecanoe to try to out do, it can also lead to severe brain injury and the desire to stab your own ear drums.

finndouchiary: their level of public trust in the fact that this person is indeed a true and complete douche. the more confident the public is that the person is a complete and total douche, the higher their finndouchiary rating.

and finally:

douchectomy: the process of removing a douche from your life. this can be a painful and slow process as the douche will rarely catch on or be aware of the process that is happening. the support of several friends is imperative when attempting a douchectomy. preferred methods are quick and thorough. if any traces or small ties are left back to the douche in question, the process will not take and will have to be repeated at a later date in time. the procedure can be painful and confusing at times. some douches may lash out and ramble incoherently or make outlandish accusations as an attempt to *shock and awe* their prey. some may try to change the conversation or distract from the goings on. fortunately, with a good support system, a plan of attack, and a strong resolve, most doucectomys are successful and allow people to resume full, happy, and douchefree lives.

there you have it kids: you learned something today.

you’re welcome.