when life hits the reset button:

the other day a friend posted a video blog about taking care of yourself- following the 4 R’s: Rest, Rejuvenation, Reloading, and Reconnecting. i think those are pretty self explanatory, but if not, go check out his blog here: http://middleway.posterous.com/the-4-rs-of-self-care very wise words. as i was typing a comment on his blog, i realized i had WAY too much to say in one comment (shocker) and so decided to post my own blog.

i know…i bounce between completely crazy off the wall posts to serious life posts…imagine living with me.

but this one…i’ve been thinking about it for a while…what do you do when life hits the reset button?

you know what i mean…when everything takes a sudden left turn when you were planning on going straight or right. when life dumps you on your ass, gives you an atomic wedgie, steals your lunch money, licks your glasses (what? that never happened to you?) or in general just does whatever it can to fuck you over. i’ve had the reset button hit SEVERAL times on me. i know other people that have had it hit on them. and it’s never the same. some days the reset button is just a simple: hey- want to go to a big college? some days it’s : hey- remember everything that was important to you that you held dear and close to your heart? yeah, i’m taking that away.

and what do you do when shit hits the fan? there is no right answer. there is no perfect way to respond. there is no handbook, no right thing to do, no perfect first step. but the important part is TAKING a step. any step. to just keep stepping. like sean said in his post- you have to take time for the 4 R’s- you have to rest, rejuvenate, reload, reconnect (which implies a time of DISCONNECT which is ok). taking that in a different direction , or the scenic route of the same direction- i have to REDUCE. sean mentioned at the beginning having his routines that he does, his hobbies- i call it my core self. WHO AM I? what makes me tick? what is my main fall back that i can always go back to and always find myself in? some people it’s being out doors, some people it’s dancing or art or sports or music. for me, it’s writing. writing has ALWAYS been my fall back. journaling, writing, blogging, anything- it’s my core, it’s what i go back to. so when shit hit, i REDUCE back to my core. i cut out what i need to be it people or activities or tv or whatever. i go back to what i know best, what makes me feel my best, something i know that i can always do. i’ve been writing since i could hold a pencil (my mom still has my first book- stapled backwards since i’m left handed and it just made sense that way).

my first big reset button that i really remember was 10/1997. that’s when life said- hey, guess what: PREGO! talk about a reset button. from a no plans high school senior just wandering through life, suddenly i had someone else to be responsible for, a life to plan, things i had to do, decisions i had to make- HOLY CRAP. and at the time it wasn’t a conscious thought, but i started to journal. and i wrote about it ALL. from how it happened to thinking about adoption to the doctors appointments, fights with the baby daddy, making plans, being scared shitless, going into labor. i wrote it all out and it helped me focus and make it through it all.

second big reset button: hello divorce. wow. i just found all those journals a while back and read through them again. it got really REALLY bad there for a while. but i wrote it out. i remember TELLING myself to write that time around. i had no one to talk to, no where to go, and i KNEW that i could write. i was TERRIFIED to write. he had read a few old journals and was NOT ok with me writing- but i made myself write (and hide the journal under the mattress). it got it all out. it sorted my thoughts, reminded me on the bad days of the good things, and reminded me on the questionable things why i was getting out. it helped me hold it together and remember and make it through. it also helped heal afterwords- getting it all out about a major change- divorce, two kids, a sick baby, part time work, the whole mess. and it was A TON of crap going on. i look back now and know that if i hadn’t had some way to get myself through it- who knows. but i knew to go back to my core. i knew how to pull myself out.

the last few years big and little reset buttons have hit: problems with the kids, close people passing away, fights, loves, friends, happy, sad, pissed off. things change constantly: we’ve moved, we’ve changed schools, daycare, found out about abuse, found out about suicide, found out about betrayal- and it’s all been there on my blogs (sorry about some of those by the way…). it was my out. it was my way to make it through, to get back to a balance. i had to go back to my core, reduce to my true self: writing. and i always recommend that to people. my oldest son is turning into an artist: so when shit hits the fan for him i tell him to draw about it. i learned the hard way once to never take away his art work- holy world ending. but when he lost his step mom and brother last year he was lost. hell…anyone would be lost after a blow like that, but an 11 year old kid? and he didn’t know what to do or how to let it out and i told him to draw it out. draw his lost brother the way he wanted him to be: make him the hero in a comic book, or the main character in a story. draw about his step mom and his dad, draw whatever he felt. i don’t know if he ever did, but it helped him just knowing what to do or where to turn if he needed to. i could see the heavy lift off him when the suggestion sunk in- something he was good at and could freely express him self in. it was like watching a light bulb turn on in his head. and it’s been that way sense. when he gets stressed he draws. now we just have to learn the balance between getting school work done and being stressed at school and drawing…oy. double-edged sword!

but- i promise, i’m getting to a point. i need an editor. sheesh.

BUT. i look at friends, i look at people i know and i wonder if they have the tools. i wonder if they know the 4 R’s of taking care of themselves. i wonder if they know who they are and what their core is that they can fall back on. and i see people struggling and i hurt for them. i hurt for the lost feeling and the pain and not knowing how to come out of it.

i’ve seen so many people struggling and having HUGE reset buttons hit in their lives the last year and i wonder if they know who they are, if they have a core to go back to. do they know how to find themselves and rebuild from the ashes? and it terrifies me the ones that don’t seem to. even more so as a fixer: i want to make it better for them. i want to point them in the right direction and give them a push and hold their hand and make it all work out. but how can i point them in the right direction if they don’t know what their direction is?

i guess that’s the point. it’s not the point i started out to have…but go figure. FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE. take time away, before a crisis hits. think about it. WHO ARE YOU? what is your core? what can you fall back on? what do you need to reduce to? what can you rejuvenate yourself with? what will restore you? it’s one of the most important lessons i’ve learned in life: finding out how to heal myself. i can’t expect others to do it for me. i can’t expect other people to know what to say or what to do. I NEED TO KNOW. and i want my friends to know. i want them to know how to make it better when the really shitty reset buttons are pushed. i want to see (and help) them rebuild. i want to watch them grow and learn and come out of things instead of faltering and becoming lost. so. ugh. getting sappy up in here. please friends: take a minute to learn yourself. make a note of it somewhere you’ll run across it often. leave reminders/objects around your house. let your friends know. find out who you are. and once you know, remember to take time to be the healthiest YOU. the 4 R’s are really important to live by. because i love ALL of you. and i want you to stick around for A LONG TIME. i mean… my blog needs readers. cause in the end, it’s all about me and what i need. remember that.