bigger picture

well, here we are three weeks down the road and oh, the lessons we have learned.

i’ve been doing the work. sitting with the ugly thoughts. working through all the emotions- the anger, the frustration, the disappointment, the annoyance, the embarrassment, the disgust, the shame.

i forget that learning is a process and you don’t just KNOW all the things, and some lessons have to be learned more than once.

it doesn’t do any good to be so mean to myself. to blame, be frustrated, be disappointed. i’m working on it.

this week’s lessons are more tangential, which i think means healing is happening. life has stepped back in to remind me there’s PLENTY of other shitty stuff to focus on, i don’t have to just dip into the breakup well.

thanks for that, i guess?

on monday, i had a seemingly innocuous appointment with my insurance agent to discuss my life insurance and see if any adjustments needed to be made. i don’t know what those words mean. is my life insurance is supposed to DO something? not just be an oh shit back up plan? i had no idea what to expect. life insurance. it’s just a thing you have; part of the state farm package deal: home, life, auto. get those stacked discounts. good driver: check. no more good student, that’s long since gone, so the only other thing is multi plan. whatever. i don’t care. sure. i’ll do an appointment.

i hadn’t met this insurance agent yet. the one i signed up with 20 years ago has since retired and this new gal took over his practice. spoiler alert: father/daughter. she took over her dad’s practice. cool beans. i dig it.generational. in the family. nifty.

so. appointment. i get there. we sit down at her desk. she has my policies up on the screen; life insurance. 20 year term policy, started 2010 at age 30.

yup. that looks like what i pay for every month. ok. and?

and she starts asking questions.

a term policy?

yup.

do you know what that is?

ummm…life insurance?

so she explains the difference between term and whatever the other one is: term means you’re basically renting life insurance for a set chunk of time. if it pays out, it pays out. if it expires, well, you should have died faster i guess. i had a 20 year term. 5 years left on it.

 

ok. and?

her: well, what made you get a 20 year term policy at age 30?

me: ummmm…fuck if i know. the discount? home, life, auto?

her: it’s an unusual age to get a term policy.

me: huh. i don’t know.

her: *leaves the room for a minute*

me: why WOULD i have picked then for life insurance? i moved to spokane a few years before, so it wasn’t that. i don’t know..when did i turn 30? ummm….2010. oh, OH. OH YEAH.

oh yeah. between 2009 and 2010 was ALL. THE. DEATH.

all the death.

oh. yeah. yup. that tracks. that would be why i got life insurance then.

fuck.

FUCK. cool. well. that was a punch in the face i wasn’t expecting.

her: *comes back in the room*

me: oh, i figured it out. that was the year everyone died, so i made sure to get insurance to protect my kids. guess i didn’t really think about making it this long.

her: oh, yeah, that would be a reason why.

we finish all the paper work, renew for another 20 years. i now have a term policy that covers me til i’m 65.

me: 65 huh? well. i didn’t plan on making it this far, i guess i’ll have to figure out 65 now.

her: why didn’t you think you’d make it this far?

me: i was a single mom of 2 boys for 20 years. the number one killer of women is their domestic partner. i escaped one of those once, think i just avoided another one of those. and being a single female, and a single parent isn’t great odds. and also, just…when you lose 10+ people in a year…it just…

her: well, you made it!

me: well, i guess i did. huh. 

one more parting shot before i left, she was like: “it looks like you still have a lot of grief to work through…”

REALLY BITCH? you’re in here ripping off scabs and poking around old wounds, completely unexpectedly, catching me completely off guard, zero warning, and then you have the gall to say it looks like i have grief work to do? 

WELL. THEN.

what an uncalled for and unexpected punch in the face on a monday afternoon.

HEY, REMEMBER WHEN EVERYONE DIED AND SO YOU GOT INSURANCE IN CASE YOU DID TOO?

also, remember all the years you really didn’t think you were going to make it? when it really didn’t matter if you made it to another day? when it didn’t concern you to think about getting hit by a bus? well, we had a good run.

but we did it.

side note: i really do need to start carrying around a mouse in my pocket as much as i reference myself as “we.”

15 years into a life insurance policy. renewed for another 20. where the hell did 15 years go?

no, but really, WHERE DID THE LAST 15 YEARS GO?

the message of: “look at the bigger picture” has come up a few times in the last few days.

what do you mean bigger picture? what does bigger picture even mean? this is a dumb message. i don’t get it. bigger picture. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

bigger picture thinking: also thought of as long term goals, a guiding light or principal.

oh. well, when you put it like that…i mean…but like…what does that even DO??

big picture thinking helps regulate negative self talk, lessen fight or flight response, and lessens hostility and aggression when provoked. thinking about the bigger picture/long term goal helps relieve the stress and negativity of the moment to focus on the overall affect.

WELL WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT.

where did the last 15 years go? a lot of survival mode. a lot of just getting by. a lot of just duck and cover.

what do the next 15 years look like? what is the bigger picture?

look at the last 3 weeks: how does that frustration and disappointment look 15 years from now? i can take the lesson of knowing that it taught me to be more rigid about my boundaries. expect more from how i let people treat me. call myself on shitty decisions and listen to my intuition sooner. be more careful with my resources to reduce feelings of disappointment and feelings of being taken advantage of.

look at a bigger picture from a different perspective: my dad was 55 when he passed and he had been happily married to his third wife for 10 years. that means he was 45 when he got married again. at 45 he still believed in love and possibility after 2 divorces. at 45 he found the GOOD match and was happy. they were building a great life together in a nice home with good friends.

45 is still plenty of time to start over. to find the good chapters. to still have hope and plan for the future.

i may not have planned on making it to 45. i may not have planned on outliving a term life insurance policy. i may not have planned on a shitty break up reminding me who i am and what my worth is, but here we are.