toys r us kid

i was never a toys r us kid.

that was the FANCY store (aka: expensive) and they didn't sell books.

i remember walking through it a few times with my dad and he told me to pick something out but it was so overwhelming i never knew what to even look at.

then i would ask for another babysitters club book.

and he would look at me funny.

and we would go get a babysitters club book.

i don't know where we would get them...that was in the days before barnes and noble. that was before borders or amazon.

WHERE THE FUCK DID I GET ALL MY BOOKS AS A KID?

fuck. that's really going to bother me now.

BUT. despite never being a toys r us kid, i very, completely, wholeheartedly bought into their tag line: I DON'T WANNA GROW UP.

i even remember one of my MANY counselors growing up laughing at me for saying that.

counselor: *smirk* so you're just not going to grow up?

me: if growing up means becoming an adult like you that tears other people down all the time, NO, i WON'T grow up. 

counselor: *no more smirk*

for what it was worth, it was actually my youth pastor, and he quit being a youth pastor a few months after that and became a computer tech.

probably not totally related, but i'd like to think i played a small roll in him not destroying another teenager's life like he tried his damndest to do to mine.

he's the same asshole that made me "confess my sins" in front of the "select group" (rich kids) in the youth group about my pregnancy because THEY deserved better than to hear the rumors in the hallways.

aces.

gee, why am i not involved in organized religion anymore? it's a mystery...

but. back to the not growing up.

*spoiler alert*

i did it anyway.

as soon as the first crib midget popped out of my "birthing hips" (thanks random guy in the hallway in high school) i grew up pretty damn quickly. taking care of my kiddo became the top priority and since he was 9 months old we had our own place, i had steady work, and shit was dialed in.

in 2011 when i quit my job i wasn't exactly smart. i bought the house, blew through all my money trying to fix up the house, and ended up having to go back to work to keep shit together.

this time *knock on wood* i've been slightly smarter and am able to carefully consider what work i want to do from here on out.

and...i kinda don't wanna grow up.

more to the point, i don't know what i want to be when i do grow up.

what did i talk about when i was a kid?

i remember wanting to be a kindergarten teacher for a while. then i had my own kids. a classroom full of 5 year olds? 

i mean...weed is legal now...so...maybe?

my dad wanted me to be a nurse. that dream abruptly died the day he knocked down the broomstick that help up the double pane on a window which then shattered all over his back. i cried, he got stitches, my brother ended up marrying a nurse and it worked out better for everyone in the end.

i wanted to be a writer for...well...as long as i can remember. but making a living at that? while i still have a kid under my roof?

let's be honest, i'm chicken shit when it comes to giving that a try.

i had ZERO plan in high school for post graduation. getting pregnant was probably the best thing to ever happen to me, i suddenly HAD to have a plan.

so now, now i have a moment to breathe, i made sure to have a bit of a safety net, and i get to figure out what i really want to be when i grow up.

do i want to go back to office work? i'm damn good at it. i should be after 20 years.

do i want to get a part time job and write part time and try to chase my oldest dream?

do i want to go back to work full time at some unknown job?

remember the time i had a whole business plan drawn up for a coffee shop that was geared towards parents with kids? i had it all figured out: a computer bar (no internet) with old school games like carmen sandiego, oregon trail, that incredible machine. a small tv in the corner with kids movies playing all the time (lord knows i have that part nailed). an open floor plan to make it a safe place for parents that need to do visitations with their kids to come to- they can play on the car-pet with old school micro machines. they could read books in the take a book leave a book corner, their supervisor could enjoy a nice cup of coffee in a comfortable chair with full visual at all times (and the one thing i've discovered in the last few months is that theres NO PLACE like that anywhere in the valley).

so. now that i'm closer to grown up than not, what do i want to be?

toys r us is going under. so. i guess i won't be a toys r us kid.

one option off the list.

it's a start.