purging the poison apple

ok. i've been meaning to sit down and write for a few weeks now. explain a few thoughts and processes i've been working through and some of the changes i've been making.

i finally made an appointment a few weeks ago to see the therapist that i went to this summer with my mum. i have my own that i've been seeing off and on since i was 16, but there's something about a therapist that doesn't remember you after 15 years that is slightly unsettling.

anytwaddle. there's something powerful about seeing a new therapist if you really pay attention. the power came from listening to myself explain things. i really heard the words _I_ was using to describe things. the way i was explaining, reasoning, rationalizing. she gave me several strong things to think about, but by far, the most change came from hearing myself.

i've been in a "non-relationship" for over 5 years. i've jokingly referred to the guy as my not boyfriend or my fake husband. in 5 years it's been off an on, around in circles, up, down, further down, bad, worse. you get the idea. it's the same guy that told me to buy a gold fish if i wanted someone to talk to. the guy that has more than a few times made me feel like complete crap and put me in tears over the simplest things. it's been ok, but it's never been good. i've known this. i've talked to many people many times about it. i've tried to take breaks, i've tried to cut ties, i've tried to get rid of this person SEVERAL times over the last few years.  hell, i've taken to referring to him as "the poison apple" when i'm talking to people. I GET IT. it's not in any way a healthy relationship. it never has been and it never will be.

so. i know all this. i've said all this before. but there was a shift this time as i was telling the new therapist about this particular guy. listening to myself talk about it, listening to myself try to find the right terms for all of it, i finally had to say it: it's a form of domestic violence. it's a cycle of abuse. i've let myself become the girl that tolerates being treated like shit again. i've become the girl that used phrases like "well, he's tolerated me", and "well, he's stuck around this long..."

i've gotten used to being treated like shit, enduring temper tantrums, waiting the two weeks for things to cool down and then starting the whole fuckwittery over again.

HOLY. FUCK.

are you kidding me? how in denial have i been that it's taken me FIVE years to be able to say that? i'm in another cycle of abuse. ME. the girl that speaks up against it and rages when i see it happening to other people.

ME. the girl that packed up and moved out with a 6 year old and a 9 month old to get away from the exact same thing.

ME. the girl that swore i would never let it happen again. the girl who has kicked more than a few too many guys to the curb for even hinting at even the slightest control issue or mistreatment.

and here i've been allowing this to happen for FIVE YEARS.

how fucked up am i that i let myself believe i was only good enough to be tolerated? or that it was ok to have someone in my life that "stuck around".

OH. FUCK. NO.

i don't deserve to be tolerated. i deserve someone that looks forward to being with me. someone that WANTS to be with me. not just someone that stuck around out of lack of better options.

that fucked up my brain- hearing my own words say that. having all the options in the world to describe whatever this is to the new therapist and choosing THOSE WORDS.

sad thing? i didn't even catch it at first. she made me repeat it and really hear it. and it sunk in. i don't know why it's taken so long. but i'll say it now and i'll repeat it over and over again: i was in an abuse cycle and i deserve better. my kids deserve better. I WILL NOT allow it to continue.

I WILL NOT ALLOW IT TO CONTINUE.

easier said than done. be patient with me. i've taken small steps. i've said as much to the guy in question. i've told him he's not allowed to be a part of my life any more and i deserve better. i haven't heard from him in weeks. BUT. this has been part of the cycle before. it's all about sticking to my guns when it does try to pick back up again. but you know what? it won't be an issue this time. now that i've named the problem for what it is, it will be easier to stick to what i know is better and healthier for me.

and out of this i've realized two big things: when you can completely cut someone out of your life and they don't notice or try to fight to be a part of it, you KNOW you made the right decision. the fact that when i told him he was no longer allowed in my life and his response was "ok" (literally, just ok. that's it.). THAT spoke volumes. he didn't care. it didn't matter to him. RIGHT DECISION FOR ME.

also: he was always available to hang out with. i could text him and go to dinner or out for ice cream. he was always available. umm...DUH. no one else wants to be around a poison apple either. of COURSE he was available. healthy people are worth waiting for and making arrangements in advance. when someone is always available at the drop of the hat, there's probably a reason.

the only catch to this is that he has my whole garage packed full of things. i have to purge that out and get the last connections out of my life. i've put a deadline of May 5th on it. so. i'll update then if it's happened or not and try to figure out a plan b if it doesn't happen by then. i'm sure he thinks i'm in one of my moods or just going through a bitch phase. it's been as much a cycle for him as it's been for me. but i can't go back.

I WILL NOT ALLOW IT TO CONTINUE.

i want good people around me. i want people that want to be around me, not people that tolerate me. i want people that make me feel smart and intelligent and good about myself. not people that make me feel awkward or stupid or like a class b citizen. 

and i will say: it's amazing the difference a few small changes will make. my attitude is better. i feel healthier and stronger. i'm more interested in taking care of myself and making myself better. the spawns and i are getting along better. my stress and grumpy levels have dropped and so the spawns grumpy levels have dropped. i feel at peace. i know i've made the right decision. i'm mad at myself for taking so long to get here, but I'M HERE. spring cleaning and all that. i'm taking steps to purge the bad to allow room for the good. and the good will come. i know it will.