well, fuck

*warning: medical junk to follow*

a while ago my right breast started itching. so i bought good old fashioned nursing cream and dismissed the issue (even though it didn't go away no matter how much cream i used).

last week while applying the cream i noticed that it seemed like i was lactating again. even through i haven't breast fed in twelve years. well. that's disconcerting.

around the same time i noticed my right breast. like. ALL THE TIME. spilling out of bras. hurting all the time. bumping against my arm whenever i moved. YUP. it's grown about a cup size in the last few weeks. GREAT.

so last friday i called in and made a doctors appointment for today. went in to the obgyn and she poked a bit and asked a few questions and sent me on my way to schedule a mammogram and some blood work.

i know the internet is a TERRIBLE place for medical stuff. knowing this, and having a LARGE grain of salt ready, i googled anyway. bad idea.

so. there's all that bullshit. whatever.

here's my response to all that bullshit:
YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT. why are you wasting your time and the doctors time and all the co-pay money? THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. THERE NEVER IS. you have pain and you have issues and they go away if you ignore them long enough. i mean, look at your ankle. yeah, it hurt to walk on, and yeah, it was swollen and tender for 6 months, but now you barely notice it. and when you did go to the doctor they what, charged you $90 to tell you there was nothing wrong. SO WHY ARE YOU DOING IT AGAIN YOU FUCKING IDIOT? there's nothing wrong with you. so what if you boob hurts a little. and is lactating. and growing. GET OVER IT.

*but what if this time...*

ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED AND DEAF? THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. cancel the other appointments. don't bother with the mammogram. don't bother with the blood work. pay me (which is myself, i get it) the $100 instead and follow one simple prescriptions: *headdesk* as needed until you quit acting like an idiot.


let's just stop and consider that for a minute. whether or not there's something wrong with me, my instinctual response to self sooth and reassure myself IS TO INSULT MYSELF. instead of being like, it's ok, that's why doctors exist, to check things. i'm like: DESTROY, MAIM, CAUSE MORE PAIN AND TERROR.

score.

thanks self.

then comes the real fun part: this voice is just rattling around my head with no out. i don't have family to talk it over with. i don't have a significant other to cry on when shit goes sideways. i don't have a christina or a meredith to call. i don't have a person. i'm a cold, uncommunicative, unwelcoming bitch who can't keep friends. i shut out people on good days and cut them from my life completely when things get hard. no big shocker there- look how friendly i am to myself; no one else would want to tolerate that. add in the fact that i am hyper aware of how many people other people have and how rude it is to intrude on their per-scheduled time and interactions. i'm not just going to call someone up out of the blue and dump a load of shit of them when they have a life and other things going on.

so then it just rattles around in my head, these negative, mean voices both simultaneously trying to convince me that i'm dying and that i'm an idiot for thinking i'm dying. so then i find myself at 3:40 on a monday afternoon barely keeping my shit together at work with a fucking INSANE migraine venting to a blog on the internet.

GOOD TIMES.

so. maybe there's something wrong with me. more likely there isn't. i mean physically.

obviously there's a fuck ton wrong with me mentally.

anyway. that's monday.