re-learning

have you every had just a total mind blowing moment that is so simple and logical that you can't believe it's taken so long to get there?

tonight i did a web chat as part of the "renew you" sessions. it ended up that i was the only one that logged on and HOLY HELL- it was a serious mind blowing hour. it's going to take me a few days to work through all the stuff that got crammed in my brain tonight and even longer to really get a grip on it and make it part of my thinking. the biggest part for me is un-learning the BAD stuff and replacing it with this new GOOD stuff.

when it comes to learning i've always been that needs that certain key to unlock things. i can read over and over and OVER a math problem and never be able to understand it. then finally someone will say it a different way and BAM. why was that so hard? once something is unlocked just wait and see what i can do with it.

that's the way i feel about what i learned tonight.

people have drilled into my head for YEARS the fucking question i loathe the most on earth: "where do you see yourself 5 years from now?"

BITCH, PLEASE.

i have no idea what i'm doing this weekend let alone 5 years from now. and are you fucking kidding me? who the fuck can plan out 5 fucking years? or 10 years? do you have any fucking idea how fast things can change? a two minute phone call and your whole world can be knocked on it's ass and shaken like a fucking snow globe at a parkinsons convention. 

making a 5 year plan is just challenging the universe to find out how many ways it can fuck you up between now and then.

tonight i was asked that same damn question and i just laughed. fuck if i know.

then it was rephrased:

"what do you want to experience most in the future?"

well HOLY FUCK. that's a total different question. but it's really not. what you want to experience most in the future? a feeling, a trip, a life change...you have to start now and work towards it. it will take time. sometimes...oh...say...a few years. maybe even 5. who knows?

what do i want to experience most in the future? 

now there's a fucking question i can answer and work towards with the right tools.

the second mind blowing thought was a basic principle i've heard for a while, but i didn't actually apply it: the 80/20 rule (or the pareto principle to be fancy): roughly 80% of the results come from 20% of the effort. 80% of the work comes from 20% of the workers. 80% of the income is received by 20% of the population.

follow this- it took me a while to wrap my head around it. 80% of the time i'm content. but that other 20% - that other 20% holds 80% of true happiness.

i'm not sure i'm phrasing it right- it's one of those things that will make sense for a few minutes, but by the time i try to write it out it's gone again.

so 80% of the time i'm mostly content, plugging along, no real reason to want to make a change or rock the boat. but that other 20% of the time- that's where 80% of the change and progress and happiness making will come from.

i think that makes a little more sense. still not sure i'm getting it quite right. bottom line- when i can get to the point where i make that last 20% really start working for me and kicking out results- can you imagine that? 80% more content, happy, positive in life? that's HUGE. it's exciting. it's something to work for.

here's the biggest one- this is going to take a LOT of practice, unlearning, refocusing, just a LIST of things to achieve:

you know that voice in your head? the one that's constantly talking to you and telling you you're not good enough, that other people are judging you, that you're judging you- that stupid fucking voice that just won't quit? that voice that makes you think people are talking about you, the voice that "shoulds" you, the voice that can just tear you apart? it's in your head, so it must be your voice, right? it's your own voice telling you what's wrong with yourself and how can you argue with yourself? if it's your own voice, it must be mostly right...right?

truth: the negative voice you hear in your head is NOT you. it's an amalgam, a compilation of all the things you've heard since you were little. it's a giant pile of what you've heard FROM OTHER PEOPLE. it's what you've heard, read, assumed, learned, experienced and listened to over and over until you thought it was your own voice. it's all other people though. ALL OF IT. all these things i keep telling myself, these things i've heard and said to myself over and over- it's not me. it's all the things i've heard and believed from others.

why am i letting other people dictate what i say and think to myself? where is MY voice?

WHO WOULD I BE WITHOUT THE VOICE THAT LISTENS TO ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE?

that's a HUGE fucking question for me. who would i be if i wasn't listening to every negative thing that i've heard from every other person forever. who would i be if i listened to ME and the things that i know to be real or false?

i don't know how this works yet. i don't know how to stop listening to that voice that's been playing in my head for 32 years. i know it will be hard to unlearn the negative and start finding my own voice in there that actually likes me. what if i could quit listening to my family saying i'm not good enough? if i could quit listening to the people that have said i'm not pretty or smart or worthwhile? what if i could start hearing that i am worthwhile. that i'm enough just as i am? and beyond hearing that- truly believing it? from my own voice?

that's a big step and it will take a LOT of un-learning and selective hearing. i've been trying for years- when something like that is so ingrained in from way too many years to count- it's not an easy process.

but.

it's powerful. the idea that i don't have to listen to the negative because it's not true. it's not my voice. it's all these other voices. i've never been able to turn it off or not listen to it before because it was my own voice. finding out it's just a badly programmed recording of all these horrible outside influences- that's a whole different ballgame.

being able to honestly believe that i have found a path to start liking myself? that i've found the way to work towards truthfully, humbly, and completely being able to say: "I am enough. I am worthwhile. I am loveable."

FUCK. that's powerful. it's this overwhelming feeling. it's like coming home.

so that's what i learned and what i'll be working on. 12 more weeks of this too...i'm excited (terrified) to learn more and really start working on me and figuring shit out finally.